I've fallen into a horrible mindset.
I've fallen back into myself.
Where I must be doing something to be a "good christian".
And if I'm sad, then I'm doing something wrong and need to fix it.
Where school and work are burdens that cause me anxiety as responsibility approaches.
And confusion, anger, and frustration is in control.
As I strive for control over these things and try to appear happy, beautiful, and like someone who has it all together, I feel so lost inside.
I forget grace. And the fact that even if I am sad and fail to be thankful, that God's grace is still sufficient for today.
I forget that God blessed me with my job and that I'm there with a purpose. That it shouldn't matter where or what I'm doing because I have God right with me.
I think because this semester has been so lonely it's been easier for me to be depressed. Not so much depressed over being lonely anymore as it is just random sadness for no apparent reason. When I had friends that I saw daily I was distracted by my natural sadness and had rest from this way that I am. Now that I am just by myself it's so much harder to distract these thoughts. So I have to rely on God. I have to rely on the fact that I can't trust myself.
I can't trust how I feel.
But I also need to understand that being sad isn't wrong. I need to admit that I struggle with depression, but that it doesn't control me, because I know that what God says is true despite what my head tells me.
I felt like I had run out of forgiveness. And I needed to do something destructive to make it right.
But that's not the answer. Because as soon as I do something destructive I will feel guilty and that will just re-start the cycle of guilt and destruction.
When I sin.. instead of living in anger and guilt the whole week I just need to pray and accept what God has offered me.
I'm leaving for work soon. Work is hard. Sometimes it seems impossible to make it through the day, but God has me here for a purpose and I'm never alone even if I feel it. He is always with me. I find it's so important to have His word in my heart because I don't get hardly any chance to read scripture during work. So if I have it memorized then I can just pull it out of my head.
"Hello my name is child of the on True King,
I've been saved, changed, I have been redeemed."
On a good note: I've finished all my 2013 goals I had set before on here. Now time to figure out 2014 goals. I think one is that i'd like to become a Youtube Partner.
