I'm referring to those who desire to be mother's and wives. A simple and common desire. Common struggles include finances, inability to find a husband, and contentment while single.
Don't get me wrong. I am in no way belittling the struggle of going many years desiring to be married.. desiring to be loved.. and unable to find it. In many ways it's similar to my own struggle.
I write this today because I feel trapped. It almost feels selfish to say that, but it's simply how I feel.
Many people say I'm lucky because I have known what I have wanted to do since I was seven years old. However, yesterday I found myself holding back tears as I said to my mom, "People like me, who come from where I do, don't become actors".
It's sounds so silly. Becoming an actor. I've heard every opinion there is on actors. Here's my battle:
I live in a state where we have a few opportunities.... but if I stay here there is very little chance of working full time in the industry.
If I stay, I will not be able to do what I've been working towards for fourteen years.
Simply saying "the job I want" doesn't feel right to me. Job. This was never a job to me. This has been and always will be my passion. I even feel like passion is an overused word. I don't know how to accurately describe what I want in words. I just know that stories have always been a huge part of my life. The chance to tell them through screen and film has been one of my greatest joys.
The battles are these:
The battle between money and ability to go to places where auditions are held.
The battle between leaving and staying for the sake of my mother's heart.
The battle between working full time in a regular job while giving up ability to go to auditions and not being able to afford going to auditions due to no full time job.
The battle between myself and I as I contemplate whether I'm smart or good enough for this work anyways.
The battle of turning down big auditions due to them crossing lines I have set for myself as a Christian.
This week I am just feeling stuck. Financially stuck here with no clear way to afford travel or the basics of acting business expenses. Career wise... just feels like I am not moving... I know that's not true. This year I've gotten auditions for things I normally would have never been considered for.. but I don't have a solid agent and I don't know if I'll ever book anything bigger than local and student type films...
I know I am probably less stuck than I appear. So I am trying to hold onto that. And hold onto the Lord. Knowing whatever He has planned from the beginning of my life is what is going to happen.
Moving forward from this post:
This is a down moment... but these are the moments that count. How you respond to this kind of discouragement and when there is nothing to offer is what is really important. I am in no way giving up. I'm feel trapped.. but that makes me even more so determined to break out.
I am going to work 2x harder and keep going. I will be consistent. I will allow this to make me a better actor. To be a better human. This is just another step.
