Make something

I'm working full time now.
It's such a huge answer to prayer to put away the money I have been asking God to help me with.
However, in my job I don't "create" anything, which is hard for me. I need to be making something, and school and work has taken me away from that. So I'm trying to do vlogs, write songs, edit my first film project. Making something is so fulfilling and a blessing to do.

Quiet

A few months ago I wrote on my new friend and all the joys of getting to know someone for the first time. Us, as friends, would probably say we are best friends now. I have shared my story, and I know most hers.

We've officially reached the quiet stage. The sitting in the car just listening to music stage and being able to be quiet. However, it also feels like certain points we have run out of things to say. I know a lot of it for her is simply being stressed and tired from work. I've tried to do things to ease her stress. Today I got up early and took her a donut and an energy drink and then drove her to work. I really enjoy this type of giving. I'm hoping it helped, but I can tell she's still quite tired from a long day. She's getting use to a new schedule. Overall, I'm just going with the flow. I love my friends.

Last night I got to go out with my other friend Olivia. We went iceskating and then for icecream and it was totally lovely. I've been doing my best to be very giving to my friends, and to others.

New Friend

This week I have made a new friend and I want to document it.

We are currently in the super fun phase of: "I don't know anything about you. There is so much to learn. You are so interesting".

It's such a great phase of friendship to be in, but when one has been friends for years, you forget what this feels like. To not know someone at all and to learn everything about them. To share with them things that everyone else has known for years, and have them be pleased or displeased with what they hear.

It started like this:

Niki (my new friend) joined my Young Adults Group sometime around March (because she was at a dinner on my birthday that I was at as well). 

A month or two after that she had made a post about if anybody needed anything from Staples she could get discounts because she works there. I said that I might need some materials, but our conversation with that kind of ended there (we talked a bit at our group but just a bit).

Context needed to understand my actions:

I recently... I wouldn't say "lost" but it's the only word I can think of... "lost" my best friend. It's hard to explain. Basically, and ironically enough we haven't really spoken since my birthday. I took her out for hers, but when mine came and went.. I didn't really hear anything from her. She got some new friends- which is all good. We should all have multiple friends. However, I haven't really heard from her since. I was, as well, going through a particularly difficult time. I get that dealing with other people's problems is no fun... but I wasn't like someone you have to tip toe around. I was transparent in saying that "Yes, I'm having a really hard season of life right now" but "Let's go hang out. I'm not going to sit around and mope all day". So I can't imagine that being a really strong reason for radio silence on her end. I am unsure of what I did, if anything. 

I got use to not having anyone again. Truth is, I am fine on my own. I can watch movies by myself, I can write about my feelings, I can run by myself, I can live by myself. This is true. However, this past month I started to really feel this pit of loneliness. It sounds pathetic but it didn't feel pathetic. It didn't feel like self pity or anything. 

It felt like... like scrolling through your phone because you've been in the house too long.. and there's no one to text. So you go out and you walk by yourself. Which is fine, but you look around at strangers and you start to think "I should just meet someone new in public like the old days before phones". You admit to yourself that you're fine.. but looking around at people with friends, girlfriends, boyfriends... you just feel something missing. You miss conversations. You miss laughing. You can only laugh at yourself so many times before you start to fear your mental state... but after all, you're fine alone. Loneliness feels like no ones knows you. No one knows who you really are. Those in your daily life know your professional/working self.

 You can reach a point in loneliness where you reach out for anything. Like throwing five bucs into a pile of people and hoping someone will pick it up. Throwing out lonely vibes without wanting to worry or scare anyone.

What Happened This Week:

Before I continue my story, I want to make something clear. Niki is more than a chick who picked up five bucs or just the first person to say hi. I am so grateful because she is (so far) so wonderful and so interesting. I am so happy she has entered my life. 

Last week.. in my lonesomeness. I sent out a text to everyone in my phone. I stated that I wanted to go on a walk but would enjoy some company. As usual, I received no after no. Not quite worded that harsh.. but feels the same.

I asked my friend Naomi is she was in town (because she lives in the town right north of us and doesn't have a car). I had texted Niki as well out on a limb. Naomi texted back stating that she was with Niki. They then asked me to pick them up from the mall and then go to our group since they don't have a car. So I did. We stopped by Niki's house. Her stepmom had just redone her gorgeous kitchen. Their house was very nice and I felt just slightly out of place, but doing my best to not be weird or say something offensive (which is usual).

We then stopped by Starbucks and spend ten minutes trying to pick out drinks but we all went with sandwiches anyways. We had some hilarious conversations there and Naomi made a comment about Niki and I as a "match made in heaven" and that was the moment my brain clicked. Why haven't I reached out to her before? Why haven't we been friends?

Oh I should probably mention that my only other communication with her before this was her group texting all our numbers (of people in the young adults group) and me convincing her I was a bunch of other people... She literally had me in her phone as "Daniel" for a week.

From Starbucks night, I sent her a photo of me in goggles which became my contact photo according to her. Then we were sending each other memes and gifs of weird things.

Then this past Sunday (May 28th) we hung out after church.. I introduced her to the first episode of Sherlock. She fell in love. How can one not? Then she came over Tuesday night and we watched Sherlock for 6 hours. I made sandwiches and put out a bunch of fruit and veggies. I haven't laughed so hard in one night in a long time. It was such a great night. Probably the best night of 2017 so far. You can't get better than Sherlock, food, and laughter. 

I continue to learn about her. I hope this blog post isn't creepy. I just am happy to have a new friend. I want to remember these nice times... because I am also concerned. I am very cautious. And I don't want to say too much too soon and possibly ruin another friendship. I am not scarred or being "that girl" who is afraid to trust people- I'm just trying to be cautious. I just am tired of losing people. So I want to hold on to the goodness of a gain. 

"After an audition, let it go"

This is not an easy concept. Especially when the opportunity was large and the script was great. I had a large opportunity this past week. I did my best, and I believe it was quite good.

Casting comes down to so many things though. One's height, hair color, voice, and then all of it compared to the lead role. I could do this role, 100%. I have the ability and training. However, I am also non-union and it is a union film.

I get it. Which is why I have also decided that tonight at 5pm, if I have not received a callback, I will let it go. Though this is still not easy to do.

If I were to get a callback and even a role, this would be a career changing month.

Update May 29th, 2017: No callback. Life continues on. Another no. On to the next.

What is Happening

I'm in a "blah" phase. I'm hoping it goes away soon. Basically I don't want anything. I don't want to do anything. This makes me frustrated. I don't want to talk to people either. I don't want to answer questions. Everything feels ten times more difficult. I'm not depressed. I swear. It's just a blah phase. It does feel awfully lonely though. I read an article that described exactly how I was feeling. The article claims that the "blahs" is a way of the mind protecting itself from unwanted negative emotions. It just sort of numbs itself out. I guess that makes sense. Problem is, I have no idea what I'm blocking out.