We are currently in the super fun phase of: "I don't know anything about you. There is so much to learn. You are so interesting".
It's such a great phase of friendship to be in, but when one has been friends for years, you forget what this feels like. To not know someone at all and to learn everything about them. To share with them things that everyone else has known for years, and have them be pleased or displeased with what they hear.
It started like this:
Niki (my new friend) joined my Young Adults Group sometime around March (because she was at a dinner on my birthday that I was at as well).
A month or two after that she had made a post about if anybody needed anything from Staples she could get discounts because she works there. I said that I might need some materials, but our conversation with that kind of ended there (we talked a bit at our group but just a bit).
Context needed to understand my actions:
I recently... I wouldn't say "lost" but it's the only word I can think of... "lost" my best friend. It's hard to explain. Basically, and ironically enough we haven't really spoken since my birthday. I took her out for hers, but when mine came and went.. I didn't really hear anything from her. She got some new friends- which is all good. We should all have multiple friends. However, I haven't really heard from her since. I was, as well, going through a particularly difficult time. I get that dealing with other people's problems is no fun... but I wasn't like someone you have to tip toe around. I was transparent in saying that "Yes, I'm having a really hard season of life right now" but "Let's go hang out. I'm not going to sit around and mope all day". So I can't imagine that being a really strong reason for radio silence on her end. I am unsure of what I did, if anything.
I got use to not having anyone again. Truth is, I am fine on my own. I can watch movies by myself, I can write about my feelings, I can run by myself, I can live by myself. This is true. However, this past month I started to really feel this pit of loneliness. It sounds pathetic but it didn't feel pathetic. It didn't feel like self pity or anything.
It felt like... like scrolling through your phone because you've been in the house too long.. and there's no one to text. So you go out and you walk by yourself. Which is fine, but you look around at strangers and you start to think "I should just meet someone new in public like the old days before phones". You admit to yourself that you're fine.. but looking around at people with friends, girlfriends, boyfriends... you just feel something missing. You miss conversations. You miss laughing. You can only laugh at yourself so many times before you start to fear your mental state... but after all, you're fine alone. Loneliness feels like no ones knows you. No one knows who you really are. Those in your daily life know your professional/working self.
You can reach a point in loneliness where you reach out for anything. Like throwing five bucs into a pile of people and hoping someone will pick it up. Throwing out lonely vibes without wanting to worry or scare anyone.
What Happened This Week:
Before I continue my story, I want to make something clear. Niki is more than a chick who picked up five bucs or just the first person to say hi. I am so grateful because she is (so far) so wonderful and so interesting. I am so happy she has entered my life.
Last week.. in my lonesomeness. I sent out a text to everyone in my phone. I stated that I wanted to go on a walk but would enjoy some company. As usual, I received no after no. Not quite worded that harsh.. but feels the same.
I asked my friend Naomi is she was in town (because she lives in the town right north of us and doesn't have a car). I had texted Niki as well out on a limb. Naomi texted back stating that she was with Niki. They then asked me to pick them up from the mall and then go to our group since they don't have a car. So I did. We stopped by Niki's house. Her stepmom had just redone her gorgeous kitchen. Their house was very nice and I felt just slightly out of place, but doing my best to not be weird or say something offensive (which is usual).
We then stopped by Starbucks and spend ten minutes trying to pick out drinks but we all went with sandwiches anyways. We had some hilarious conversations there and Naomi made a comment about Niki and I as a "match made in heaven" and that was the moment my brain clicked. Why haven't I reached out to her before? Why haven't we been friends?
Oh I should probably mention that my only other communication with her before this was her group texting all our numbers (of people in the young adults group) and me convincing her I was a bunch of other people... She literally had me in her phone as "Daniel" for a week.
From Starbucks night, I sent her a photo of me in goggles which became my contact photo according to her. Then we were sending each other memes and gifs of weird things.
Then this past Sunday (May 28th) we hung out after church.. I introduced her to the first episode of Sherlock. She fell in love. How can one not? Then she came over Tuesday night and we watched Sherlock for 6 hours. I made sandwiches and put out a bunch of fruit and veggies. I haven't laughed so hard in one night in a long time. It was such a great night. Probably the best night of 2017 so far. You can't get better than Sherlock, food, and laughter.
I continue to learn about her. I hope this blog post isn't creepy. I just am happy to have a new friend. I want to remember these nice times... because I am also concerned. I am very cautious. And I don't want to say too much too soon and possibly ruin another friendship. I am not scarred or being "that girl" who is afraid to trust people- I'm just trying to be cautious. I just am tired of losing people. So I want to hold on to the goodness of a gain.
