Monday, September 10, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
September 9th, 2012- Hello :)
3:56pm:
^In case you didn't know. Click it to listen to the song^
Hello, My name is Rebeca. I've been writing for a little while on here.... A lot of complaining... ranting.... dreaming... etc. I figured I'd write a little bit about myself. Now this blog is where I kinda get to rant.. so you only get to read the negative things.. the things that have changed me. The things that people think I am, and things that aren't who I am. So. This is just a little bit about me and what's been happening recently.
I always say my mistakes and who I was is NOT who I am... however. I never explained who I am.
So. I'm Rebeca, Beca, Cece, Sherlock, Bex, Abecabook, Hey You, Short one, shorty, etc.
I am 17 years old.
My birthday is March 2nd.
I am a student actress/singer.
I've been going to small christian private school for 8 years.
I've been saved by the grace of GOD from my sin. (My testimony is too long to type it all out now)
I've been in drama class since I was 11 years old.
I've been singing in the chapel at my school since I was 14.
My closest friends are Hope, Hannah, and Sabbina.
My family is awesome.
I get typical good grades.
I get crazy hyper sometimes and shout random things.
When I asked for gum I always ask people for "mug" cause I say a lot of things backwards for fun. (not dyslexic)
^^^^^^^^^^
These are all the obvious things that people at school no about me.
If you were to subtract the sin, struggles, and trials this is me:
-I love things like eating cold pepperoni, peanut butter on a spoon, swedish fish, anything dipped in olive oil, while drinking sprite and using a twizzler as a straw. (My typical junk food night)
-I love it when places have signs where one or two letters aren't shining. Like when Mcdonalds becomes "Monas" :D
-No one thinks I can get a tan because i'm so white.... but I CAN ;)
-I've grown two inches in the past 3 years and feel extremely successful for making it to 5' 2".
-I've always loved Disney music :) No matter what anyone says.
-I love sort-of-screamo bands like RED.
-When I'm home alone I turn on music as loud as it goes and whip my hair back and forth and swing my arms around while spinning in a circle.
-I'd do anything for my friends. If you call me... and want me.. even just a little... I will drive to wherever you are. I make cards, paint pictures when they are sad. I write notes. I will spend hours looking through music i've never heard to find a song that relates to a friend of mine just so I can send it to them (I've never told anyone that).
-Though I seem dependent on my friends.. I'm actually really independent. I do what I want and get what I need done.... however... if you start to notice that I seem dependent on you.. That should show you how much you mean to me... You make me vulnerable.
-I hate dancing in front of my parents.
- Most of the time at school I force myself to be hyper and crazy so that way the day is a little more interesting and I don't seem like a downer to my friends.
- Sometimes I'm actually really happy and hyper and it's completely genuine.
- I really don't care what you think of me.
- I care about what I think about me.
- I want to sing and act forever.
- I love God.
- I love the Bible
- I'm super white, short, and awkward but I will rap to Bon Qui Qui if you challenge me.
- I love to memorize raps and dance moves.
- I go to Zumba every week and its my place to punch the air and spin around and not feel stupid.
- I love people too much.
- I once made a dress completely out of staples and capri suns.
- I love to build things.
- I love to write songs about whatever is going on in my head.
- Everything I say has a purpose even if it's in giberish. It means i'm just too scared to actually tell you.
- I've been in counseling for awhile now.
- I love spiderman,, xmen, CLARK KENT, and all super heroes.
- When I was little I made my own super hero constume and decided I was going to be a real super hero gymnast.
- I never became a gymnast.
- I was a cheerleader for 3 years.....
- Every pet i've ever had has died.
- I've seen a lot of people die infront of me.
- When people are mean to other people it makes me cry.
- You mess with one of my friends I will write a song about you and scar you for life by singing it infront of the school.
- I relate everything to music.
- Demi Lovato= a lot of music inspiration
- Love Carrie Underwood
- AVENGERS :)
- I wear boots and winter clothes in the summer.
- I love vests with light tshirts.
- It's ALWAYS just been me, myself, and I till this year.
- Whenever I look out a car window I picture this little creature I created in my head flying at the same speed as the car... and it makes me laugh... and my friends are use to me laughing randomly in the car for no reason.. They just don't know why.
- My best friend (my dog) died almost three years ago. I've never told anyone exactly what she was there for and what sides of me she saw... but I want to... but I don't think I will... When I think about her I still feel pain. I watched her die slowly in an extremely painful way and I held her through it.
- All of my former best friends have explained their reasoning for leaving me. ( I appreciate that)
- I have never left a best friend.
- I wasn't allowed to be a singer or actress when I was little but my parents have changed their views.
- I LOVE Screaming!
- When someone says a crude joke I will say "What?" even if I DO understand it. I don't care if you think i'm a goody-goody.
- I'm a goody-goody (Innocent! JK)
- There's a lot more to me.
- I believe there is ALWAYS more to a person if you think you know everything about them.
And in conclusion:
- Over the past year.. I have lost who I truly am. I'm bringing it back today.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
September 1- The Driveway
1:12pm:
For some reason I keep coming back to this same place of mind. I'm starting to wonder if it's really wrong or if it's just a sign that I really need to give it up.
My best friend and my other best friend. Two of the closest people to me. They are incredible. Amazing. I love them so much there's not a doubt in my mind that if they called me I'd do anything physically possible to help them. I know they love me too. We've all had amazing moments together. They both have changed my life.
Earlier this year I let the 1st down. I wasn't there for her... I was stuck in my old world and she got left behind. I will always regret that. After 7 years of her being amazing to me and ALWAYS being there for me. I failed her.
Then the other one I became really close to early this year. She showed me so much love in such a way that I had never known. She completely opened my eyes to a new world and helped me in ways she'll never understand.
Well..... I introduced them to each other. At first I thought it was nice having them both know each other.. but there was always this horrible fear inside of what would happen next. As time passed... my worst (selfish) fear came true.
They both realized how amazing each other are. Now they are making pictures for each other, dedicating songs, sending never ending smiley faces and love to each other. They both use to do that with me....
I know they care... and they are trying. They make attempts to see how i'm doing and show love, but it's so forced now. They have each other. They may say that they need me but they really don't. That's easy to see.
Ever since I was little I was in love with the idea of having a best friend. I love the idea of sleepover's all the time. Wanting to be with someone all the time. Sitting by them, standing by them any chance you get. Talking to them forever. Making everyone else know that we are best friends with inside jokes and best friend bracelets and all that. Sending cute messages and songs. Having deep conversations until the sun comes up. Having no distractions but just having me and my best friend talking with no cellphones, internet, or television. Eating junk food but not caring about weight or health for a night. Running around in the rain with them and laughing.
These are the things that mean the most to me.
I don't know what's right or wrong.. I've just always loved these things... and I'm not sure exactly what I did to each of them to push them away, but now it's all forced. There's no passion behind there words. I'm selfish I know. I want a best friend who loves me. Maybe my brain just doesn't work the same way theirs does. I have not lost one single bit of intensity towards my love towards them. I would do anything for them. Just call me. I'll be there.
Maybe this is God's way of saying it's better if I'm not close to them. Maybe I need to have it just be me and God... but I prayed.. I prayed to God that I could have just a best friend to do all those things with... and with each of them I have done those things... maybe God is saying that my time is up with them and I need to let them go. That just brings so much pain because it feels like letting them go would be like going to their funeral. Imagine going to your best friend's funeral. I can't bear the thought of letting them go... and maybe that's why I should...
I know I'll love them both forever.. because even if I have to let them go it can't stop this love I have for them. I don't know what to do. I can't make anyone love me. You just can't.
I love you guys with the same passion as the day I first met you.. Actually it only grows more everyday.
For some reason I keep coming back to this same place of mind. I'm starting to wonder if it's really wrong or if it's just a sign that I really need to give it up.
My best friend and my other best friend. Two of the closest people to me. They are incredible. Amazing. I love them so much there's not a doubt in my mind that if they called me I'd do anything physically possible to help them. I know they love me too. We've all had amazing moments together. They both have changed my life.
Earlier this year I let the 1st down. I wasn't there for her... I was stuck in my old world and she got left behind. I will always regret that. After 7 years of her being amazing to me and ALWAYS being there for me. I failed her.
Then the other one I became really close to early this year. She showed me so much love in such a way that I had never known. She completely opened my eyes to a new world and helped me in ways she'll never understand.
Well..... I introduced them to each other. At first I thought it was nice having them both know each other.. but there was always this horrible fear inside of what would happen next. As time passed... my worst (selfish) fear came true.
They both realized how amazing each other are. Now they are making pictures for each other, dedicating songs, sending never ending smiley faces and love to each other. They both use to do that with me....
I know they care... and they are trying. They make attempts to see how i'm doing and show love, but it's so forced now. They have each other. They may say that they need me but they really don't. That's easy to see.
Ever since I was little I was in love with the idea of having a best friend. I love the idea of sleepover's all the time. Wanting to be with someone all the time. Sitting by them, standing by them any chance you get. Talking to them forever. Making everyone else know that we are best friends with inside jokes and best friend bracelets and all that. Sending cute messages and songs. Having deep conversations until the sun comes up. Having no distractions but just having me and my best friend talking with no cellphones, internet, or television. Eating junk food but not caring about weight or health for a night. Running around in the rain with them and laughing.
These are the things that mean the most to me.
I don't know what's right or wrong.. I've just always loved these things... and I'm not sure exactly what I did to each of them to push them away, but now it's all forced. There's no passion behind there words. I'm selfish I know. I want a best friend who loves me. Maybe my brain just doesn't work the same way theirs does. I have not lost one single bit of intensity towards my love towards them. I would do anything for them. Just call me. I'll be there.
Maybe this is God's way of saying it's better if I'm not close to them. Maybe I need to have it just be me and God... but I prayed.. I prayed to God that I could have just a best friend to do all those things with... and with each of them I have done those things... maybe God is saying that my time is up with them and I need to let them go. That just brings so much pain because it feels like letting them go would be like going to their funeral. Imagine going to your best friend's funeral. I can't bear the thought of letting them go... and maybe that's why I should...
I know I'll love them both forever.. because even if I have to let them go it can't stop this love I have for them. I don't know what to do. I can't make anyone love me. You just can't.
I love you guys with the same passion as the day I first met you.. Actually it only grows more everyday.
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