For some reason I keep coming back to this same place of mind. I'm starting to wonder if it's really wrong or if it's just a sign that I really need to give it up.
My best friend and my other best friend. Two of the closest people to me. They are incredible. Amazing. I love them so much there's not a doubt in my mind that if they called me I'd do anything physically possible to help them. I know they love me too. We've all had amazing moments together. They both have changed my life.
Earlier this year I let the 1st down. I wasn't there for her... I was stuck in my old world and she got left behind. I will always regret that. After 7 years of her being amazing to me and ALWAYS being there for me. I failed her.
Then the other one I became really close to early this year. She showed me so much love in such a way that I had never known. She completely opened my eyes to a new world and helped me in ways she'll never understand.
Well..... I introduced them to each other. At first I thought it was nice having them both know each other.. but there was always this horrible fear inside of what would happen next. As time passed... my worst (selfish) fear came true.
They both realized how amazing each other are. Now they are making pictures for each other, dedicating songs, sending never ending smiley faces and love to each other. They both use to do that with me....
I know they care... and they are trying. They make attempts to see how i'm doing and show love, but it's so forced now. They have each other. They may say that they need me but they really don't. That's easy to see.
Ever since I was little I was in love with the idea of having a best friend. I love the idea of sleepover's all the time. Wanting to be with someone all the time. Sitting by them, standing by them any chance you get. Talking to them forever. Making everyone else know that we are best friends with inside jokes and best friend bracelets and all that. Sending cute messages and songs. Having deep conversations until the sun comes up. Having no distractions but just having me and my best friend talking with no cellphones, internet, or television. Eating junk food but not caring about weight or health for a night. Running around in the rain with them and laughing.
These are the things that mean the most to me.
I don't know what's right or wrong.. I've just always loved these things... and I'm not sure exactly what I did to each of them to push them away, but now it's all forced. There's no passion behind there words. I'm selfish I know. I want a best friend who loves me. Maybe my brain just doesn't work the same way theirs does. I have not lost one single bit of intensity towards my love towards them. I would do anything for them. Just call me. I'll be there.
Maybe this is God's way of saying it's better if I'm not close to them. Maybe I need to have it just be me and God... but I prayed.. I prayed to God that I could have just a best friend to do all those things with... and with each of them I have done those things... maybe God is saying that my time is up with them and I need to let them go. That just brings so much pain because it feels like letting them go would be like going to their funeral. Imagine going to your best friend's funeral. I can't bear the thought of letting them go... and maybe that's why I should...
I know I'll love them both forever.. because even if I have to let them go it can't stop this love I have for them. I don't know what to do. I can't make anyone love me. You just can't.
I love you guys with the same passion as the day I first met you.. Actually it only grows more everyday.
No comments:
Post a Comment