On Top of the World

Where I am

I was listening to this song and my brain clicked on something. See, I struggle with this silly little thing. Some people call it depression I just sometimes like to call it getting little lost. It seems a weekly battle of not losing who I am, staying focused, and purposeful.

I'm not sure why but listening to this song made me think of the past and how I could have died in 2011/2012. It was a very real possibility that I wouldn't be here writing this or living this life. So why am I getting so down about work, school, and just life? 

I have been given a second chance. To live. To be all I "can be"(quoting a British friend who once told me to be all I can be. If one day you read this sir, I remembered).

But seriously, I wouldn't have been here. Working fast food, going to school, having one or two good friends doesn't seem so impossible when the other option was not living at all. 

No, I don't have a lot of friends. I don't have parties and social gatherings every week, or even month. I may just be a minimum wage employee who spends most of her time wasted on Youtube, online classes, and the typical college student stuff, BUT what a blessed life that is!!! 

When I remember where I came from...This IS the dream life. I'm always reaching for more, which isn't bad... but what a wonderful place I'm in right now. 

To have a life. 

To have chance to accomplish my goals.

To even just have one good friend.

To be Free.

*Sometimes I feel as though. I'm living the sequel to "To Save A Life".

 This what you do with the saved life. *

2 Years

Today makes 2 years of living without my old self destructive ways.
It doesn't mean I haven't struggled with those things.
It just means it's been two years since the last time I truly gave in.
So I figured this calls for a post and a few lyrics since I'm just listening to music trying to find something fun to do today.


"They said we never would survive,
and I believed the lies,
and then there words were verified,
when I replaced my heart for your demise,
but you were always on my side."

I'm still getting over a cold/flu thing.
I've had quite a few auditions this week and things that are like one in a million of actually getting but still super fun to do! And who knows what God has in store. It would be super fun to do one of them.

Hmmm.. I suppose I should post my thoughts on reaching two years. Honestly, I don't have much thoughts. My life is so different now. I didn't even remember until I was writing down the date during church this morning. I was like "Oh yeah hey". I am happy to have reached another milestone.

Life Goals

Life Goals:

(September 28th, 2014)

1. Sing at the 1-800-ask-Gary amphitheater

2. When leaving an airport, have one of those people holding a sign with my name.

3. Sing/lip sync at the Macy's day parade/or Christmas Parade at Disney

4. Be a member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts

5. Make an amazing feature length film

6. Direct a Movie (movie defined by paid crew/cast, feature length, high quality, music made for...)

7. Stand on the Eiffel Tower

8. Go the Pearl Harbor site

9. Go to ground zero in New York ***Completed June 2015***

10. Go to London

11. Be on the Graham-Norton Show

12. Record an Album

13. Work on a film/show with kids

14. Sing at the Amalie Arena (Tampa Bay times forum)

(October 19th, 2014)
15. Be on Disney Channel at least once.
16. Do a role that includes being in a hospital bed***Completed December 29th, 2014***
17. Do a role that includes dying.
(November 24th, 2014)
18. Meet Josh Hutcherson
19. Play the game "Box of Lies" on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.
20. Get an agent in Los Angeles
21. Play a character that includes being restrained down as a crazy person.
22. Meet Benedict Cumberbatch
23. Attend a premiere at the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood
24. Get a british person's opinion on my fake british accent ***Completed January 2018***
25. Be on a talk show so far away that it requires a translator just to understand what the host is saying.
26. Meet Kelly and Michael from "Live! with Kelly and Michael".
(January 7th, 2015)
27. See any movie in the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood
28. Be in a comedy Film/TV show ***Completed January/December 2016***
29. Be in a horror Film/TV Show
30. Get a background check on Care.com***Complete 2015***
31. Get an IMDB pro account/or picture on IMDB***Complete February 2015***
(February 3rd, 2015)
32. Be a part of a film that is set in a different world than our own modern day one.
33, Be a part of a film series with multiple films.
34.Be a part of a film series with fantasy (magic, futuristic, scifi, etc.)
35. Speak on a panel at an event
(April 1st, 2015)
36. Be in a movie with Jennifer Lawrence
37. Meet Emma Stone
38. Go on a tour (either my own, or opening for someone)
(June 12th, 2015)
39. Learn to cry on command
(July 11th, 2015)
40. Speak at comic-con
41. Be on the Today show as a guest
(August 22nd, 2015)
42. Meet Simon Cowell
43. Be a judge on X Factor, Got Talent, Etc.
(September 29th, 2015)
44. Meet Julie Chen
45. Be on Big Brother
(January 4th, 2017)
46. Get any kind of role on Stranger Things before it ends.
47. Have a great agent.
48. Have a publicist.
49. Win a best actress/supporting award.
(January 7th, 2017)
50. Star in a music video.
(October 31, 2017)
51. Play the voice of a major role in an animated Disney film.
(January 31, 2018)
52. Pay off my parent's mortgage by 2025
53. Receive a check for $500,000 by 2030

Joy and The Lack Of....

...

For the past four days I've been struggling with depression.

This is not new to me, but still difficult to say. It feels wrong. I have no reason to be unhappy or hopeless. Goodness... out of all in the world I should be the most hopeful. 

I have no reason to be ungrateful.

I have no reasons. So why do I have certain weeks of such creativity and then other weeks of feeling so pointless? I have no answer.

It's never quite so simple to give on answer. Some times might be because my focus is too much on myself and I am too self-dependent which leads me somewhere lost. Others might be because I face a certain trial and do not trust in God. However, sometimes I am seeking the Lord with all my heart and trying to learn yet my emotions still tell me that I am pointless. I can't control it. So at the point, I no longer do what I use to. Give up and let it all sink in. Do what I feel like and allow it to spiral. No, I know better. I don't do that crap anymore. 

Instead. I take a breath. I allow myself to feel everything I am for a minute. I say, "I feel (X). And I don't know why. I would love to take control to change it but for whatever reason this is the way it is right now. And it's ok. What is true? God is in control. God knows. He tells me to talk to Him in these times."

  

"Let me see redemption win, 

Let me know the struggle ends,

That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn,

I wanna know a sun can rise,

from the ashes of a broken life,

and all that's dead inside can be reborn,

Cause I'm worn,

My prayers are wearing thin,

I'm worn,

even before the day begins,

I'm worn,

I've lost my will to fight,

I'm worn,

So heaven come and flood my eyes."

These moments or weeks of feeling this way are always weird. I just want it go away and be my normal self. It makes me overthink everything I do and what I need to fix. I just always want to fix myself till I'm perfect. But the best thing for me to do is to stop thinking about myself. Life's not about me anyways. 

The more I strive to focus on Christ the more I feel temptation to act on my thoughts. The past four days each trigger seems to get stronger.. but if I can resist it in that 1 minute moment it goes away completely. Today felt so strong my mind almost not turning back but God was so good to lighten my heart with these sweet customers that came up and all they did was say "Thank you" but I instantly felt the weight off the temptation off.. Yes even at work I feel it.. and I'm so grateful for their blessing. I wouldn't be surprised if they were really angels... Oh God, you are so good.

Since I'm such a researcher of self-help I researched the christian perspective on depression. Instead of finding easy steps to get rid of such.. I found a sermon by John Macarthur and 14 things that steal joy. I never thought of it that way. Bad things are simply the lack of good things. So depression would then be the lack of joy.

Here's what I found:

14 Things that can Steal your Joy!

1. False Conversion – You are a false convert to Christ, you are not truly born again
2. Satan & Demons
3. Not understanding God’s Sovereignty – He is in Total control
4. Praylessness – Not going to the Lord in prayer
5. A low after a Spiritual High – e.g Monday after Sunday
6. Circumstance Orientation – Your circumstances dictate your joy
7. Ingratitude – Not being thankful
8. Forgetfulness - Forgetting what Christ has saved you from
9. Dissatisfaction with your earthly condition – what you have, where you live, how you look
10. Fear of the future – The “What If” syndrome
11. You Live by Uncontrolled feelings – You don’t take captive your thought life
12. Morbid self analysis – Self centered continual focus on your faults
13. Self Centered – When it’s all about you and your needs
14. Guilt – unwilling to forgive yourself even though God has.

SO TRUE. Good reminders. I think I can see the silver lining. And I'll be just fine. 

(http://truthwar.wordpress.com/2007/11/22/14-things-that-can-steal-your-joy-john-macarthur/) 

Work Devotional #2: Focus on God

Today, instead of going over a specific issue. I want to just refresh my knowledge and focus on God.

I am doing this in order to avoid focusing so much on fixing myself that I have no purpose. It is great to focus on specific issues and bring it to scripture. However, I know how easily it can start to become more like "self-help". Which is shallow. Worship is deep.

As I am heading into a new day where I will go to work. I want to remember my purpose.

God is way too much for this entire blog could hold. However I just want to focus on my mind on a few things I do know about Him.

God:
-Is mighty and awesome. Accepts no bribes. Shows no partiality. (Deuteronomy 10:17)
-Is not like man. He does not lie. He does not change His mind. When He speaks, He acts. When He promises, He fulfills. (Numbers 23:19)
-He is my guide. (Psalms 48:14)
-He is my strength. My own power fails. But He doesn't. (Psalms 59:9-10,Psalms 73:26)
-He is gracious. Compassionate. Righteous. Not cold or inactive. Present and caring. (Psalms 116:)

This is just a tiny tiny piece of who He is. He controls everything. And He's on my side. Not only that, but His Spirit lives in me. All that power is at my reach. There's no reason to fear because He's protecting me. My job is my job because He gave it to me and wants me there. I can worship Him through my work and by obeying His word because it is for my best. 

Work Devotional #1 Introduction

So. I've been thinking about this for awhile and I'd really like to make a video version but for now this will have to do. It seems that I get a lot of anxiety when it comes to work. Over many different things. Though I only work in the fast food industry I am still human and succumb to the temptations to be impatient, angry, anxious, lazy, and some days I just don't want to go.

When I realized how badly I was struggling with all these thoughts and difficulties at work I turned to google for help. I tried searching work devotionals or any youtube videos just with a bit of scripture encouragement to help me get through the day. To my surprise.. I couldn't find any. I thought for sure google would have all the answers but instead I had to go to my bible alone to search for peace and contentment. Now please don't misunderstand, of course the Bible tops google any day... but I was in search for a specific outline.I was sure at least biblegateway would have something. Now either I'm just blind or lazy but I couldn't find anything.

So I want to make myself my own little mini outline for specific issues that I tend to face at work with ways to fight them.

I think my problem had been that fact that I am not specific. For example, my first issue I'd like to look at today is when: I don't want to go to work.

It's easy to just say, "I don't want to go to work", but that doesn't really help me.
So we have to look at why.

Reasons:
1) I just want money, but I don't want to work.
2) I feel it is a waste of time and life.
3) People scare me
     -Managers
     -Co-workers I don't get along with as well as others.

Alright so now we have a bit more to work with.

#1: Laziness
This is the thing that says "I just wish I could just get the paycheck and not have to work for it."

Proverbs 20:4
"The sluggard does not plow after the autumn, so he begs during the harvest and has nothing."

The sluggard does not plow after the autumn, So he begs during the harvest and has nothing. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Laziness#sthash.pmycF9O1.dpuf

Proverbs 20:4

Verse Concepts

The sluggard does not plow after the autumn, So he begs during the harvest and has nothing.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Laziness#sthash.pmycF9O1.dpuf

This is really saying:
I deserve to be paid without working = Pride
I'm tired, bored, and just want to complain because it's my right = Self Focus
I don't really care for the company. I just care about myself = Pride/Self Focus

So... In order to fight the temptation to be lazy I need to be fighting pride and self focus.

 It's not enough for me to just say, "Oh yeah I'm a bad sinner, bad person, blah blah blah.." but to remember specifically. Remember.

The more I learn about who God is the more I realize myself in comparison. I see how when I snap at my friends for.. oh what was it they did? For breathing weird? Right. Then my evil heart says they deserve to be yelled at. And THEN... I try to control my life. I get upset when it doesn't go my way. I push God. The Holy God. Out. And try to be as powerful and great. As if I gave myself life.

"I lay me down, I'm not my own. I belong to you, Oh Lord. Lay me down. Lay me down."- Chris Tomlin

1 Peter 5:6-7 "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him for He cares for you."

Self Focus:
It's not about me. Life. It's all about Christ.
Colossians 3:2 "Set your minds on things that are above, not the things on earth."

#2: Waste of time

This is saying:
That God has made some sort of mistake by giving me the job I have.
That time can be wasted.

God is in control of every single moment.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

He doesn't waste time. My authorities are all placed under God's hand.

#3: People

This is saying:
That people are more important than God.

Galatians 1:10
"Am I now a servant of men? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men I wouldn't be a servant of God."

******

Well looks like I just got my schedule for the week. Time to go.

Can't Sleep

Hello There...

So it's like 2:40am and I haven't been able to sleep. Been laying here for quite some time.
I tried watching some Youtube videos (the usual: Pewdiepie, Vanoss, failarmy, etc). Didn't work. So then I tried just laying quietly. My brain kept me up still.

I started thinking about things that have made me sad lately. Posts I've seen about people calling others homophobes or haters when that wasn't even the situation.
Let me explain: Some drunk guy started cursing at two gay guys who were in a play and they labeled it a hate crime... but I say if we are going to start calling things like this a hate crime then everytime some drunk guy calls me names we should respond the same. But honestly... he's drunk.. how could he or anyone take seriously what he says?

I've been feeling sad though because well I'm a Christian. And people label me a homophobe. I'm not sure the people who are calling me that though know what a phobia is.

Let me clarify something. I'm not afraid of homosexuals. They're just people.

I believe 100% what the Bible says. I believe it is God's inspired word and it is my guide to life.
So yes, I don't agree with normalizing homosexuality.
HOWEVER, disagreement does NOT mean fear.
Let me also clarify.
Disagreement does NOT mean hate.

I could go into all the reasons why I don't agree with normalizing homosexuality but I'll save that for another post.

Here's something I find ironic.
People are upset because homosexuals are bullied and made to feel ashamed, etc. (I don't agree with bullying either).
AND THEN: Pro-Homosexuality activists make this "Homophobe" name to taunt people who don't agree with homosexuality. And they do all the same thing bullies did to them.
What?
Why?

I know not all do this. You can't really generalize anyone for anything in life because life's not that simple.
But we do..
Not all homosexuals bully people who disagree.
And not all people who disagree hate.

Alright. Now that I've gotten my whatever out let me tell you about the rest of my night so far.

So I was sad.
and I got all emotional because well it's in the middle of the freakin night and it all got to me.
AND my phone's dead because well it decided to go into a coma and not come back.
So I had the idea to continue reading the book we've been reading in my college group "Un-eclipsing the Son" by Rick Holland.

God is so good. He calms my heart. Through reading and just reminding myself who Christ is my heart was just put at peace. Remembering that God holds this world. Nothing can separate me from Him and He's all I need.

I've had a lot going on. Lots of new acting opportunities. I'm even going to LA and Nashville this month for various things I get to do. Everytime something comes up that I really want to do- I instantly try and research how to make it possible. I'm learning how the first thing I should do is pray because God is in control and can give and take away but it's all for good.

For example. I got booked for a job tomorrow I really wanted to do. I prayed about it and due to some circumstances I am unable to go. Disappointing, yes, but I can easily brush it off knowing that God is in control. Haha. He's my manager. And He's perfect for the job because He knows exactly what jobs and people will be best to work with so that I can glorify Him most and live to the fullest.

Well. I ought to try to sleep. If you're having a phase of insomina as well check out these verses I found: http://www.faithdeployed.com/2010/06/bible-verses-for-sleepless-nights/

Goodmoght!