Joy and The Lack Of....

...

For the past four days I've been struggling with depression.

This is not new to me, but still difficult to say. It feels wrong. I have no reason to be unhappy or hopeless. Goodness... out of all in the world I should be the most hopeful. 

I have no reason to be ungrateful.

I have no reasons. So why do I have certain weeks of such creativity and then other weeks of feeling so pointless? I have no answer.

It's never quite so simple to give on answer. Some times might be because my focus is too much on myself and I am too self-dependent which leads me somewhere lost. Others might be because I face a certain trial and do not trust in God. However, sometimes I am seeking the Lord with all my heart and trying to learn yet my emotions still tell me that I am pointless. I can't control it. So at the point, I no longer do what I use to. Give up and let it all sink in. Do what I feel like and allow it to spiral. No, I know better. I don't do that crap anymore. 

Instead. I take a breath. I allow myself to feel everything I am for a minute. I say, "I feel (X). And I don't know why. I would love to take control to change it but for whatever reason this is the way it is right now. And it's ok. What is true? God is in control. God knows. He tells me to talk to Him in these times."

  

"Let me see redemption win, 

Let me know the struggle ends,

That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn,

I wanna know a sun can rise,

from the ashes of a broken life,

and all that's dead inside can be reborn,

Cause I'm worn,

My prayers are wearing thin,

I'm worn,

even before the day begins,

I'm worn,

I've lost my will to fight,

I'm worn,

So heaven come and flood my eyes."

These moments or weeks of feeling this way are always weird. I just want it go away and be my normal self. It makes me overthink everything I do and what I need to fix. I just always want to fix myself till I'm perfect. But the best thing for me to do is to stop thinking about myself. Life's not about me anyways. 

The more I strive to focus on Christ the more I feel temptation to act on my thoughts. The past four days each trigger seems to get stronger.. but if I can resist it in that 1 minute moment it goes away completely. Today felt so strong my mind almost not turning back but God was so good to lighten my heart with these sweet customers that came up and all they did was say "Thank you" but I instantly felt the weight off the temptation off.. Yes even at work I feel it.. and I'm so grateful for their blessing. I wouldn't be surprised if they were really angels... Oh God, you are so good.

Since I'm such a researcher of self-help I researched the christian perspective on depression. Instead of finding easy steps to get rid of such.. I found a sermon by John Macarthur and 14 things that steal joy. I never thought of it that way. Bad things are simply the lack of good things. So depression would then be the lack of joy.

Here's what I found:

14 Things that can Steal your Joy!

1. False Conversion – You are a false convert to Christ, you are not truly born again
2. Satan & Demons
3. Not understanding God’s Sovereignty – He is in Total control
4. Praylessness – Not going to the Lord in prayer
5. A low after a Spiritual High – e.g Monday after Sunday
6. Circumstance Orientation – Your circumstances dictate your joy
7. Ingratitude – Not being thankful
8. Forgetfulness - Forgetting what Christ has saved you from
9. Dissatisfaction with your earthly condition – what you have, where you live, how you look
10. Fear of the future – The “What If” syndrome
11. You Live by Uncontrolled feelings – You don’t take captive your thought life
12. Morbid self analysis – Self centered continual focus on your faults
13. Self Centered – When it’s all about you and your needs
14. Guilt – unwilling to forgive yourself even though God has.

SO TRUE. Good reminders. I think I can see the silver lining. And I'll be just fine. 

(http://truthwar.wordpress.com/2007/11/22/14-things-that-can-steal-your-joy-john-macarthur/)