Short thoughts on 2017

I'm trying to figure out what I really want out of 2017.
I could make these huge goals, but a year really isn't that long. Odds are I wont be able to accomplish the long term goals.

I feel like school takes over most of my year as well.

Christmas

Current Favorite Christmas Instrumental

This year for Christmas I'm asking the Lord for a few things. One of the main things is to understand Christmas. I don't feel like I have ever properly understood it. I want to understand and believe the significance of Christ's birth. I want that to be the focus.

 Otherwise Christmas is just a disappointment. 

I also want to give. I feel like Christmas isn't Christmas if I haven't sacrificed something to give to someone else. It's always a scary kind of giving that requires going outside of your comfort zone. I'm considering volunteering to make food for kids in Haiti... or deliver Angel Tree presents. Not sure. Both kind of scare me. 

Time

This week I found the school I would most like to attend for my masters in acting. Today was my mom's last session of chemo. It's not over yet though... She still has five weeks of radiation and possible another month of another drug. I was just sitting here tonight, practicing "Bird Set Free" as a cover, and thinking about my possible future that I look forward to.

Then I remembered that none of this guaranteed. Don't misunderstand though. I am aware that getting into a fancy acting school is a 16/7000 chance. That's not what I mean. I mean life is not guaranteed. I do not know what is going to happen in the next year or five, ten, twenty years. I could get into a car accident or come down with a disease myself. My whole life planned out is not guaranteed. It's just a reminder that I need to be living everyday towards eternity.

Stuck

I am unaware how other people go about their lives with simple desires and the common struggles.

I'm referring to those who desire to be mother's and wives. A simple and common desire. Common struggles include finances, inability to find a husband, and contentment while single.

Don't get me wrong. I am in no way belittling the struggle of going many years desiring to be married.. desiring to be loved.. and unable to find it. In many ways it's similar to my own struggle.

I write this today because I feel trapped. It almost feels selfish to say that, but it's simply how I feel.

Many people say I'm lucky because I have known what I have wanted to do since I was seven years old. However, yesterday I found myself holding back tears as I said to my mom, "People like me, who come from where I do, don't become actors".



It's sounds so silly. Becoming an actor. I've heard every opinion there is on actors. Here's my battle:

I live in a state where we have a few opportunities.... but if I stay here there is very little chance of working full time in the industry.

If I stay, I will not be able to do what I've been working towards for fourteen years.

Simply saying "the job I want" doesn't feel right to me. Job. This was never a job to me. This has been and always will be my passion. I even feel like passion is an overused word. I don't know how to accurately describe what I want in words. I just know that stories have always been a huge part of my life. The chance to tell them through screen and film has been one of my greatest joys.

The battles are these:

The battle between money and ability to go to places where auditions are held.

The battle between leaving and staying for the sake of my mother's heart.

The battle between working full time in a regular job while giving up ability to go to auditions and not being able to afford going to auditions due to no full time job.

The battle between myself and I as I contemplate whether I'm smart or good enough for this work anyways.

The battle of turning down big auditions due to them crossing lines I have set for myself as a Christian.


This week I am just feeling stuck. Financially stuck here with no clear way to afford travel or the basics of acting business expenses. Career wise... just feels like I am not moving... I know that's not true. This year I've gotten auditions for things I normally would have never been considered for.. but I don't have a solid agent and I don't know if I'll ever book anything bigger than local and student type films...

I know I am probably less stuck than I appear. So I am trying to hold onto that. And hold onto the Lord. Knowing whatever He has planned from the beginning of my life is what is going to happen.

Moving forward from this post:

This is a down moment... but these are the moments that count. How you respond to this kind of discouragement and when there is nothing to offer is what is really important. I am in no way giving up. I'm feel trapped.. but that makes me even more so determined to break out.

I am going to work 2x harder and keep going. I will be consistent. I will allow this to make me a better actor. To be a better human. This is just another step.

Going Alone

Everything I've been through in my life I have always had a close friend who has been there with me. I've been fortunate to always have someone to text. Someone who could be there in a moment.

With everything currently happening I feel like this one I'm going through alone. It's not that there aren't people who aren't willing to listen. That's all they can do though is listen. They can't go through this with me. They can't be here in the moments when I feel helpless.

I could grab my phone right now and text the first person I think of and let them know how I truly feel. They would send a sad emoji and an "I'm sorry". It wouldn't help though.

"Go ahead a wish me well. I'll cry a wishing well."

I've scared away one of my best friends. The other can't be here with me, and I would never ask her to. So that sense of closeness is gone. It's just me and my thoughts now.

And that's it I guess.

Waiting...

The past 2.5 hours has consisted of me sitting in my car and then at my desk waiting for 101.5 to play "Good For You" by Selena Gomez so that I can call in and try to win the $1000. I really need/want this $1000 because of my efforts to raise $20,000 to go to London and study classical acting.

So I'm waiting for a radio station to play a song.

Waiting to raise $20,000.

Waiting to go to London.

Waiting to study classical acting.

To wait to try to make a career out of acting.

There's lots of waiting.

It's very important to me to not waste today with my waiting.

The Song they are currently playing...

I try not to waste the days.

I'm extremely focused on my goals. So easy to let life just slip away.

Our life is a mist anyways. Let's say one day I get to do all that I want to, that too will end. That's why God is so important. Well, just one of the many reasons.

"I don't know what kind of girl I am"

This year so far has been this: filming, first premiere, school, first red carpet, and now summer time.
Work is kind of sprinkled through out all of this.

The theme of the first half of this year has been a lot of learning, as usual, but specifically, in who I am. Don't worry, I'm not about to go all self-discovery drama. What I mean is who I am to the public. The premiere I was really nervous for people to see the film and to talk to me. I have a lot of role models of actors and talented artists.

One of the things I love about them is who they are and how they portray their characters. Going to the premiere I found myself thinking of who I am.. who I am publicly to these people who see my work. Who am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be funny? Graceful? Confident and serious? I struggled with these same thoughts going into the Red Carpet and Award Ceremony. As an actor, if there's anything that drives me crazy it would be an actor who isn't genuine. If you aren't genuine in your life then how can you be on screen? 

I can't believe I even had these thoughts of who I was suppose to be. I can only be me. How the public responds to that is their decision. So I don't need to be as funny as Amy Schumer, as graceful as Anne Hathaway, as adorable as Emma Stone, as quietly confident as Benedict Cumberbatch, or any of the people I look up to. I don't need to be anything.

This year I've actually been taking proper acting classes. One of the things I've learned about myself is when I think of how I'm suppose to say the lines, what I look like, or just plain overthinking the scene- I come off super fake. When I take on who the person is and then just let it be- that's when I do my best work.

So this is me. Just saying that I'm what I am. Not making excuses. If I turn into a jerk or a dive I can't use the excuse that it's who I am. I'm not a fan of people who use that.

I'm also learning. I'm learning to listen. To not blurt out as much as I do. To serve people. As a Christian, this will be a lifelong sanctification. This post is in reference to who God made me as my personality and who I am as in my soul. I want to be the best I can be. Genuine and determined. Loving and serving. Lifting people up on every set I enter. More than ordinary but less than perfect. Or what I think perfect means.