"I don't know what kind of girl I am"

This year so far has been this: filming, first premiere, school, first red carpet, and now summer time.
Work is kind of sprinkled through out all of this.

The theme of the first half of this year has been a lot of learning, as usual, but specifically, in who I am. Don't worry, I'm not about to go all self-discovery drama. What I mean is who I am to the public. The premiere I was really nervous for people to see the film and to talk to me. I have a lot of role models of actors and talented artists.

One of the things I love about them is who they are and how they portray their characters. Going to the premiere I found myself thinking of who I am.. who I am publicly to these people who see my work. Who am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be funny? Graceful? Confident and serious? I struggled with these same thoughts going into the Red Carpet and Award Ceremony. As an actor, if there's anything that drives me crazy it would be an actor who isn't genuine. If you aren't genuine in your life then how can you be on screen? 

I can't believe I even had these thoughts of who I was suppose to be. I can only be me. How the public responds to that is their decision. So I don't need to be as funny as Amy Schumer, as graceful as Anne Hathaway, as adorable as Emma Stone, as quietly confident as Benedict Cumberbatch, or any of the people I look up to. I don't need to be anything.

This year I've actually been taking proper acting classes. One of the things I've learned about myself is when I think of how I'm suppose to say the lines, what I look like, or just plain overthinking the scene- I come off super fake. When I take on who the person is and then just let it be- that's when I do my best work.

So this is me. Just saying that I'm what I am. Not making excuses. If I turn into a jerk or a dive I can't use the excuse that it's who I am. I'm not a fan of people who use that.

I'm also learning. I'm learning to listen. To not blurt out as much as I do. To serve people. As a Christian, this will be a lifelong sanctification. This post is in reference to who God made me as my personality and who I am as in my soul. I want to be the best I can be. Genuine and determined. Loving and serving. Lifting people up on every set I enter. More than ordinary but less than perfect. Or what I think perfect means.