In 2016 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Since then my life has slowly but surely changed... completely
For a lot of reasons but her health has drastically changed my day to day.
Tonight after a long day of many errands and things to do I find myself exhausted. It's my first day of break for the holidays but I'm more tired than when I worked my 9-5. As I mashed up a baked potato and placed it in a Tupperware container, because my mother who is newly blind as of early 2020 is uncomfortable eating out of anything else, I found myself wondering why. I had just finished putting all the groceries away that I had picked up earlier. I hand her the food and explain what each thing is. I sit down finally for a moment to breathe and I hear: "Can you add more butter it doesn't taste like there is any on here?"..... I get up with bad attitude, get the butter and place the biggest scoop of butter I can into her bowl. Back to the kitchen where I find my father has left his trash on the stove I just cleaned. I pick up his trash for what feels like the ten thousandth time and throw it away. I go to my room, exhausted. Why. Why. Why. How am I 25 but I feel like a 40 year old mother of 3?
I'm lucky. My mom has been cancer free the last three years. She survived pneumonia, sepsis, probably the world's largest pulmonary embolism (estimated), thyroid issues, diabetes so far, and now blindness. I am thankful because she is not currently actively dying. That's what I tell everyone when I get the daily "how is your mom doing?" that I have become so accustomed to now it feels more prevalent then "how are you doing". I tell them that as long as she's not actively dying I am good. Which I am. I am extremely thankful for these pockets where there are no hospital visits and I don't have that tightness in my chest of panic.
I remember telling a friend I loved hospitals... years ago. I thought they were so interesting because you get so many weird cases and interesting medical things. Now I almost despise them. Funny how time does that.
When mom was diagnosed with cancer I was still in college and not working full time. I was the one with her at every chemo treatment. I made her playlists of her favorite songs. She would dance in her little infusion chair as they pumped her full of "the big red" they (the nurses) called it. I did everything I could to make the experience pleasant. I remember just wanting to take in all the time I could with her because suddenly losing my mom became a real possibility.
Sudden possibility illness is terrifying. It's got such drama, power, and sting to it.
Chronic illness.... is a whole other monster. For the person suffering and for those closest to it.
That attitude of wanting to make the best was sanded down to a bitter, resentful, tired attitude. Feeling used, taken advantage of, invisible, and emotionally dull.
My mother would call me cold. Truthfully, sometimes I was. Sometimes I was because I had a sinful bad attitude. Other times I had to be. If she was having a panic attack and crying in pain or fear... I had to shut off my emotions because if I allow myself to break with her, we aren't going to get anywhere.
This year everything built up. For the first time in my life I started drinking, and not for the right reasons. I'll tell ya what. I knew it to. I knew myself and even told people before that I don't drink because I know my tendencies to overdo anything like that. This is not my situations fault or anyone else's fault but mine. I knew what I was doing. I quickly repented to the Lord and confessed this to my friends who were present during these times and asked for accountability. Drinking isn't a problem... but WHY you drink and being controlled by alcohol is.
For a long time I felt stuck, and to be honest I struggle with this kind of stuck everyday. The only difference is now I actually know what's true. You see, I felt stuck. Like I could never leave and pursue what I want for my life because how could I abandon my sick mother? My dad works, my sister is busy with her life, if I leave she would be on her own. This guilt ways heavy on me every time I decide to eat with a friend, every time I stay out a little later, every time I did something for me. This guilt is so real and it weighs on you like an invisible stone that gets bigger every time you feel it.
What helped me was reading a book with a woman from church called "Loving God with your mind" by Elizabeth George. Through reading this book, speaking with a pastor at my church, and therapy I learned that I can be helpful to my parents. I can offer help. They are not my responsibility though. I don't have to fix them and I need to set boundaries. As long as my dad is healthy it is his responsibility to care for my mom's needs, but I can help. This definitely releases so much weight of the burden of it all.
Some other helpful truths I've learned:
-God allows you to be in the circumstances you are. All you have to do is be obedient to his word.
-There's nothing that enters your life that God didn't allow.
-Boundaries are ok
-So many opportunities to store your treasures in heaven through service
-God understands that struggle both with sin and with just being plain old tired.
-Just focus on the Lord. So if no one recognizes all you do, it doesn't matter. God knows and that's the only person you need to please
-You don't have to control everything. God is in control. Let it go. Just be obedient and move on. You can only control what you do. Not how other's live.
Ya know what's interesting? When I was doing absolutely everything and drowning I got tons of compliments from my mom's friends about what a good daughter I was. Since I have set some boundaries and started pursuing more of the things I want to do... I have gotten more dirty looks and side remarks from her friends. For example, I was busy working on something when my mom called me in my room and asked me to get a box from the shed to decorate the tree. We had another box already out that was plenty to decorate the tree with. I told her I would if I could but I was working on something. A couple hours later I came out and the tree was decorated sufficiently with the things from the first box. My mom's friend who had decorated it said, "how does it look?" "Nice!" I said. "Well, you wouldn't go get the other box so we had to make do...." she said rolling her eyes almost. I also heard my mother on the phone with a friend who said to her "Tell Rebeca to make you dinner. She's a woman. She should know how to, goodness."... which is funny considering I make dinner for my parents almost every night.
THIS IS HARD. BECAUSE I AM SO SINFUL. I swear, I am the WORST. My natural instinct is to literally scream in my car because now I am getting accused of being a bad daughter by my mother's friends despite still doing quite a bit in my opinion.
Here's what you do instead: you let it go. Who cares. They're sinful just like me. Who cares what they think of me or of what I do. All that matters is God's opinion of me (Gal 1:10). I am here to serve God, not men or their opinions.
I'm still struggling. I'm tired tonight. I'm wrestling with every inch of me. I want to hide, or yell, or say means things, or distract or numb or disappear. I wanna do anything other than respond biblically. Don't get me wrong, sometimes a perfectly fine response is to rest. But rest in Him. Rest in His truth. Take a bath and meditate on truth. Too often I'm "resting" in youtube, video games, and instagram which just makes me more tired.
If you're in a similar type of feeling or situation. I recommend you search the scriptures for how to obey it, seek out wise counsel, pray about it, and keep moving forward. You're only right here anyway. You aren't yesterday and you're not tomorrow. You're right now. So that's all you can do.
I don't know what this blog is. I didn't proofread this, so good luck.
