Heart Sick

Forgiveness

Why is that.. my evil sinful heart can be forgiven by the One who.. has never sinned?

Yet, I can hold a grudge against someone who hurts me just a little compared to how I hurt God. 

My best friend, will always be my best friend. Even if she doesn't want to be. I will make the same promise I did to her as I did to Ciara, Julie, Kalyx, Hannah, Hope, etc. 

You will always be my best friend.

Even if you don't want to be.

I will always love you the same.

No matter what you do,

I will always remember you like this.

Beautiful, kind, amazing, worth the pain. 

One day when we are older,

if you are angry or you simply forgot me,

or if time simply takes us apart,

 I'll still be here if you ever want to come back.

Once you are my best friend,

You are in for life. 

"Oh Father wont you forgive them,

They don't know what they've been doing.

Father, give me grace to forgive them,

Cause I feel like the one losing." 

I don't know why but my heart feels like it's going through mourning of a death. Like they are gone.. and aren't ever coming back. I think that may be because i know it will never be the same. So I keep thinking about our amazing memories of staying up late and just talking. I'm trying to delete the bad ones and remember the good ones with acceptance of moving on. Sometimes I just want to be sad about it though. I just want to cry. Why is wrong it to be sad? Everyone expects me to just go to work, school, and keep moving forward and forget it all. I can't just forget. 

I will always love you though.

Whatever I Want

I'm writing a book.
I spent a month on the outline for all 15 chapters. Now I'm at the end of writing chapter 2. I'm not really much of a writer. I've come to the conclusion I'm always so stinkin confuzzled- but i'm always learning. So this is my norm.

I think the world's creating villians without heroes.

We all know about super-heroes. It's something I think we all kinda dream about. People out there using their abilities to save lives in the night and stop villains.

Unfortunately, it seems by creating the fantasy of super-heroes we have created real-life villains.

By creating this guy:

We also created this guy:

James Holmes AKA Batman Shooter

And now it seems a new terror has made it's way to New York.

So what do we do when it seems the world is just full of madness? Well turns out there is a slight bit of hope. 

 

Not this guy... Keep going..

 

Mathew Argintar is on of the few men who go around actually trying to help people- though I find it weird they stick to the traditional costuming and such.. It's still a nice thought- however recently arrested for being dressed the way he is- He says his mission is to give hope and try to show that there are people willing to do good.

Something Wrong

I'm not talking to anyone right now.
I don't know why but it just feels right to be by myself a little bit.
Correction.. it doesn't feel right something actually feels wrong. It all feels wrong. I talk to people if I see them but I'm not texting anyone. Which is good, i think. It's always good to take a break from texting. It all just feels wrong though. I feel like my every thought is wrong. I'm trying to remind myself of the Lord, but I'm all over the place right now. So it's better to not talk to people and say something I'll regret.

Whatever this is I know that it will pass and everything will be fine.
So in the mean time I don't want to bother anybody.

Ugh... I hear my own words and I know its all WRONG...
I know what I should do.. I think...
I know my brain is fuzzy and I know thats because Satan is packing my brain with crap... and i'm letting him.
It's a weird feeling. A lost identity.
You can't serve two masters.
I love certain things. I love certain stories. However, they put my brain in a fuzzy place. I don't want to give them up though.

I can't really exactly pin point what's wrong with me right now. It's not clear.
I just know it's wrong.
Talking to people might actually help make it clear.
I don't know...

Pretend- August 2013

I feel lost. The result of a lost identity.

I don't like who I am without God.
I lose who I am and my purpose.
I am nothing. I lose hope and meaning. All I'm left with is regret, and guilt. Feels worthless.
I don't like it.
I just want to forget it all.
I want to desire life again.
I'm no good.
I'm just another girl in the crowd.
I don't have to be special.
I don't have to be good.
I don't have to be worth anything.
You, Lord, are everything.

Anxiety Attack

 May 5th, 2013

When you finally find a songs that sounds like you feel....


I know where I am right now isn't good. It's amazing how in just twenty-four hours I can spazz so much.
I'm freaking out.. inside.. and it paralyzes me.
I wish I could be like Iron Man and when I have anxiety be able to work with it and just become super productive.... for me.. I just freeze and lay in bed.

Every minute that goes by makes me freak out more..
One more minute closer to going to school tomorrow. To having long rehearsals this week and lots of tests to finish. Then after that prom is the next week. Gotta figure out all the details and then it will be over.. Than I will graduate. Gotta figure out college. I don't wanna.

I just wanna freeze. I want time to stop. I can't say goodbye yet. It feels like my friends are already leaving me.. and all this.. All these little things I'm trying my hardest to not think about.

Haven't been able to eat today. 

I'm going on lockdown. No texting. No facebook. No distractions. Just me. Tonight.

May 3rd

"You don't know how I'm doing,
because you never really ask,
You say you see right through me,
but that was just the past,
Now you're blinded by your own self,
Maybe I am too,
but once you're put on a shelf,
you see things you never knew."




Ps: Happy Birthday Hannah :)