Jan. 20th-2013- Perfect Life

Perfect Life

So... Things are messy right now but I've been ok. I've stayed pretty steady.. my friends have been falling apart and I've been trying to help them the best I can. However today I'm having a hard time..

Here's whats on my mind... I feel like a mute... and even when I do say something no one listens..

It's like they already expected what my response would be and they already summed up what they were going to say to my "response" so they say it and then it makes no sense to what I was saying..

Am I crazy?

Is this unreasonable?

I'm starting to notice it other places then just home.. but it's especially at home.. and I can't stay this or I will get yelled at for thinking this.. I just feel like i'm continually shut down.. or ignored, and if I do get a chance to actually have a conversation it never goes well.

Trapped.

Considering going back to my mute status...
but I know if I do that..
 I'm gonna go back to other things too...
Things I shouldn't..

UGH!

I feel like i'm back at 12 years old. Where fairytales, stories, and dreams are all I have to cling on to. Where even though I feel trapped at home where no one wants to hear my voice, thoughts, opinions, I can still go back to stories and dreams. Even if the dream is impossible. Breakaway. 

THE RIGHT WAY TO THINK:
I was being selfish in this post- now I'm editing in (It's March now).
I can't assume they can read my mind. I need to be more considerate of them. God  does not want me to think this way ^^. And this is not the way scripture says to think.

Jan 7th- Honeymoon stage :)

Hi......

My name is Rebeca...

And I've been in the honeymoon stage for about 18 hours now...

Jan. 4th, 2013- Bored

Booorreeed...

but at the same time I have stuff I need to do.

I have my little list of 2012 goals I need to take down and put up my 2013 ones.

By the way, for Christmas I got a sketch book. Might post some of my random drawings on here one day. I really don't consider myself a painter or artist it's just something I do when i'm bored like now. Just like I don't consider myself a blogger yet I have this thing.

What should my 2013 goals be... What do I want to do..

Let's see....

2013:

1) Get new agent
2) Share REAL testimony
3)Get one non-extra acting job
4) Sing, sing, sing
5) Learn to Trust God more
6) Go on an adventure
7) Record a Song
8) Sell on Itunes
9) Get into college
10) Do something nice for someone.

There we go.

Happy New Year

Good News: I found my lipstick.

You Get Me Through 

Bad News.... 

I have something that's on my mind and I'm not exactly sure why it's hitting so hard right now..

So someone I knew died recently. I'm not going to claim to be best friends with him because I wasn't. I was at one time friends with him when I was in middle school. I still have seen him every once awhile.

New Years Eve was hard for me. I was in a few spats with friends. Not really "drama" but just it seemed that I had lost a friend of mine. It seems there is a lot of damage between us we are slowly trying to repair. Then it seemed that I had gotten another friend of mine mad at me. A lot of things were wrong at once and I was struggling with "code,zach,etc" a lot. I was really down. One part of me wanted to trust God so desperately and then the other felt just trapped and hopeless... I felt like I couldn't make it through the night.. .You see I was at a party with the friends who seemed to not care for me anymore and they would not talk to me. I felt alone. Luckily good friends Caitlyn and Hope kept talking to me and trying to get me to enjoy myself. Then had good talk with Sabbina. 

However, For some reason my brain just kept telling me that I couldn't make it through the night, and that I was alone. It was like a back and forth war that was extremely miserable. 

I've learned how amazing and ridiculous it is that these little thoughts turn into actions but the action never feels real. This time I didn't do anything stupid like I normally would have done. I think what I never realized as a stupid little 8th grader years ago was that these actions are real.. and leave consequences. They effect everyone around you.. and if you let it get bad enough to the point where the action becomes permanent (death) that there is no going back. There's no fixing. No talking. No happy ending. It's just over.

Jan. 1st- I found out this kid from middle school died... i found out New Years Eve he killed himself.

Everyone keeps telling me "we can never truly understand".... Can't we? 

Those stupid little thoughts... turning into actions... stupid little actions.. turning into horrible actions, and  permanent consequences.

I wonder...

If he realized just how far this took him.

If He knew that there would be no changing his choice.

If he knew the reality of his choice.

Either way I find myself confused and disturbed about it all. 

Lots of people miss you Josh. 

So many people care about you.

I wonder if you knew that.