Bad News....
I have something that's on my mind and I'm not exactly sure why it's hitting so hard right now..
So someone I knew died recently. I'm not going to claim to be best friends with him because I wasn't. I was at one time friends with him when I was in middle school. I still have seen him every once awhile.
New Years Eve was hard for me. I was in a few spats with friends. Not really "drama" but just it seemed that I had lost a friend of mine. It seems there is a lot of damage between us we are slowly trying to repair. Then it seemed that I had gotten another friend of mine mad at me. A lot of things were wrong at once and I was struggling with "code,zach,etc" a lot. I was really down. One part of me wanted to trust God so desperately and then the other felt just trapped and hopeless... I felt like I couldn't make it through the night.. .You see I was at a party with the friends who seemed to not care for me anymore and they would not talk to me. I felt alone. Luckily good friends Caitlyn and Hope kept talking to me and trying to get me to enjoy myself. Then had good talk with Sabbina.
However, For some reason my brain just kept telling me that I couldn't make it through the night, and that I was alone. It was like a back and forth war that was extremely miserable.
I've learned how amazing and ridiculous it is that these little thoughts turn into actions but the action never feels real. This time I didn't do anything stupid like I normally would have done. I think what I never realized as a stupid little 8th grader years ago was that these actions are real.. and leave consequences. They effect everyone around you.. and if you let it get bad enough to the point where the action becomes permanent (death) that there is no going back. There's no fixing. No talking. No happy ending. It's just over.
Jan. 1st- I found out this kid from middle school died... i found out New Years Eve he killed himself.
Everyone keeps telling me "we can never truly understand".... Can't we?
Those stupid little thoughts... turning into actions... stupid little actions.. turning into horrible actions, and permanent consequences.
I wonder...
If he realized just how far this took him.
If He knew that there would be no changing his choice.
If he knew the reality of his choice.
Either way I find myself confused and disturbed about it all.
Lots of people miss you Josh.
So many people care about you.
I wonder if you knew that.
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