July 9th

8:45pm: It's Already Over. I need to record yesterday's complication.

July 8th, 2012: Went to church and heard a sermon by my pastor Danny Hodges. One of the things he said that stood out to me was "If you're not sharing your faith, you are not growing". I knew I needed to speak with Hannah. So I drove up to her house and went on a walk with her. I explained it would take me time to get the words I needed to out and she understood. I then asked if we could sit somewhere in which we drove to three different Starbucks until we found a spot to sit.

We found a table in which a man walked over and sat near us.. making me feel very awkward.. so we totally in a "non-obvious" way moved over to another table. I sat.. laughed nervously.. and somehow got the words out. Every time I hear myself say these words I feel like someone else. She didn't say anything. I sat mumbling to myself. Then... silence.... I looked up no expression had changed on her face. Having no clue what was going on in her mind. This.. my best friend since fifth grade... had no expression. Although I had expected this. Still can't help the fact this left me feeling vulnerable and in need of some sort of assurance. However, I know that God is my assurance of who I am, where I've been, and where I am... not only that but of where I will be. I can have peace knowing He will take care of me.. and in that moment even though having no reaction from my friend I was at peace. Despite the anxiety I put myself through trying to get the words out. 

After a few moments (which felt like ages) she asked me a few questions. I told a few stories trying to explain... but along the way trying my hardest to not let myself try to justify my own sin. There is nothing that can justify my sin but Christ. 

So there we have it. I hope to continue to get back on track with our friendship... 
Next stop: Telling my sister (and my best friend) Christina........ this is going to be the hardest one yet. 

July 6, 2012

 Pieces by Red 
9:20pm: I'm sitting staring at my laptop's computer screen. Pretty Obvious. Keeping this for my own record of the complications that have occurred and will occur. Today's complications are simple. I've been dealing with an issue. My family does not know of this issue... so let's call it...... Ummmmm....... Let's just go with what it is: Sin. And the temptation of it.

So today's complication was the fact that... two days ago.. I believe it was two days.. maybe three... You get the point- Two days ago I failed at this. I gave in. This was my first time in about a month. And before that I had gone like three months. Since I failed so recently it brings complications of guilt, accountability (by three people that I know)... Maybe if some strange person out there is reading this I'll take you back a bit to explain myself.

Into the past:
2007: My 8th grade year. Developed a problem in which didn't seem to be wrong at the time.
2008-2009: Continued in my own little world doing whatever while trying to follow the Lord (I'm a follower of Christ/Christian)
2010: Started to realize this issue was getting worse but was already to far in to get myself out.
2011: (Junior in highschool) By the end of the year.. I had reached my end.The issue had gotten to extreme becoming an everyday distraction from the world.. an addiction... It left me lost and alone though.. oh and many other adjectives I could use. Pretty much hopeless. Wasn't sure what to do. Thought my life was over. The end. (That's what someone would be saying if it weren't for this next part)- December- Visited an old friend who was a teacher of mine for five years... Talked to her a bit without giving too much detail on the issue.. Saw just a bit of hope in her but still not sure. \
2012: January: Went to a little thing called "Winter Jam". (A big christian concert) with close friends. Three of which by the names of Hannah, Sabbina, and Hope. Heard something from one of the bands that shook me. (Earlier that week had considered telling someone).
The next week: Went to youthgroup. Jason Bruns speaks on "Fear Factor" and speaks on what holds us back. Fear was the only thing holding me back from talking. Went up to Sabbina asking if I could spend the night sometime in order to talk with her and Hope. Next thing I know..
January 19th, 2012: Watching the movie "Abduction" with Hope and Sabbina. Sitting on the ground shaking already knowing what I'm about to say I haven't said in the past 4 or so years it had been going on. Movie ends. Stood up. Look at them both. Something like "I have something to tell you" came out. Their faces grew serious but curious. Sat on the bed... Started crying. Took me about thirty minutes to get the words out. They both just held me the rest of the night.
February 22nd, 2012: Hope had convinced me it would be good to tell a good friend/teacher/counselor of mine named Steph. Told her.. Took me forever to get the words out then..

Present:

9:56pm: Since then have been working on it with Steph one painful step at a time. Many long talks with friends.. Many break downs in the school hallway. Now it's summer. And what's the next step in this insane journey God is taking me through?


Well as you can see i've decided to keep record of everything that happens. Even just typing this out makes me insanely GRATEFUL to God for getting me this far... In the midst of all the extreme pain you don't really say "How great is our God" and that is one of the hardest things to get yourself to do. It usually goes something like "When God? When will I get out of this torture?" or "Why?". A good friend of mine, Sabbina, once said to me "Maybe we shouldn't ask just 'why?' but 'Why does God trust me with so much?'"

The next steps go like this..... Telling my family.. Probably starting with my 21 year old sister, Christina. Then..... ugh.... my parents... Still not sure about that one... Still scared about even my sister. I just don't want to see the look on their faces... I don't want their hearts to break. I want them to think i'm just happy and perfect and blah blah blah.... but that's shallow. I think i'm willing to risk it in order to have a better relationship with them.. then to shut them out...

Then... to tell Hannah... who knows something is up. Who needs to know in order to save our friendship.. otherwise it will be shallow and weak until it breaks. Hannah. I'm sorry.

Then to wherever else God takes me. Senior year.