Stuck

I am unaware how other people go about their lives with simple desires and the common struggles.

I'm referring to those who desire to be mother's and wives. A simple and common desire. Common struggles include finances, inability to find a husband, and contentment while single.

Don't get me wrong. I am in no way belittling the struggle of going many years desiring to be married.. desiring to be loved.. and unable to find it. In many ways it's similar to my own struggle.

I write this today because I feel trapped. It almost feels selfish to say that, but it's simply how I feel.

Many people say I'm lucky because I have known what I have wanted to do since I was seven years old. However, yesterday I found myself holding back tears as I said to my mom, "People like me, who come from where I do, don't become actors".



It's sounds so silly. Becoming an actor. I've heard every opinion there is on actors. Here's my battle:

I live in a state where we have a few opportunities.... but if I stay here there is very little chance of working full time in the industry.

If I stay, I will not be able to do what I've been working towards for fourteen years.

Simply saying "the job I want" doesn't feel right to me. Job. This was never a job to me. This has been and always will be my passion. I even feel like passion is an overused word. I don't know how to accurately describe what I want in words. I just know that stories have always been a huge part of my life. The chance to tell them through screen and film has been one of my greatest joys.

The battles are these:

The battle between money and ability to go to places where auditions are held.

The battle between leaving and staying for the sake of my mother's heart.

The battle between working full time in a regular job while giving up ability to go to auditions and not being able to afford going to auditions due to no full time job.

The battle between myself and I as I contemplate whether I'm smart or good enough for this work anyways.

The battle of turning down big auditions due to them crossing lines I have set for myself as a Christian.


This week I am just feeling stuck. Financially stuck here with no clear way to afford travel or the basics of acting business expenses. Career wise... just feels like I am not moving... I know that's not true. This year I've gotten auditions for things I normally would have never been considered for.. but I don't have a solid agent and I don't know if I'll ever book anything bigger than local and student type films...

I know I am probably less stuck than I appear. So I am trying to hold onto that. And hold onto the Lord. Knowing whatever He has planned from the beginning of my life is what is going to happen.

Moving forward from this post:

This is a down moment... but these are the moments that count. How you respond to this kind of discouragement and when there is nothing to offer is what is really important. I am in no way giving up. I'm feel trapped.. but that makes me even more so determined to break out.

I am going to work 2x harder and keep going. I will be consistent. I will allow this to make me a better actor. To be a better human. This is just another step.

Going Alone

Everything I've been through in my life I have always had a close friend who has been there with me. I've been fortunate to always have someone to text. Someone who could be there in a moment.

With everything currently happening I feel like this one I'm going through alone. It's not that there aren't people who aren't willing to listen. That's all they can do though is listen. They can't go through this with me. They can't be here in the moments when I feel helpless.

I could grab my phone right now and text the first person I think of and let them know how I truly feel. They would send a sad emoji and an "I'm sorry". It wouldn't help though.

"Go ahead a wish me well. I'll cry a wishing well."

I've scared away one of my best friends. The other can't be here with me, and I would never ask her to. So that sense of closeness is gone. It's just me and my thoughts now.

And that's it I guess.

Waiting...

The past 2.5 hours has consisted of me sitting in my car and then at my desk waiting for 101.5 to play "Good For You" by Selena Gomez so that I can call in and try to win the $1000. I really need/want this $1000 because of my efforts to raise $20,000 to go to London and study classical acting.

So I'm waiting for a radio station to play a song.

Waiting to raise $20,000.

Waiting to go to London.

Waiting to study classical acting.

To wait to try to make a career out of acting.

There's lots of waiting.

It's very important to me to not waste today with my waiting.

The Song they are currently playing...

I try not to waste the days.

I'm extremely focused on my goals. So easy to let life just slip away.

Our life is a mist anyways. Let's say one day I get to do all that I want to, that too will end. That's why God is so important. Well, just one of the many reasons.

"I don't know what kind of girl I am"

This year so far has been this: filming, first premiere, school, first red carpet, and now summer time.
Work is kind of sprinkled through out all of this.

The theme of the first half of this year has been a lot of learning, as usual, but specifically, in who I am. Don't worry, I'm not about to go all self-discovery drama. What I mean is who I am to the public. The premiere I was really nervous for people to see the film and to talk to me. I have a lot of role models of actors and talented artists.

One of the things I love about them is who they are and how they portray their characters. Going to the premiere I found myself thinking of who I am.. who I am publicly to these people who see my work. Who am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be funny? Graceful? Confident and serious? I struggled with these same thoughts going into the Red Carpet and Award Ceremony. As an actor, if there's anything that drives me crazy it would be an actor who isn't genuine. If you aren't genuine in your life then how can you be on screen? 

I can't believe I even had these thoughts of who I was suppose to be. I can only be me. How the public responds to that is their decision. So I don't need to be as funny as Amy Schumer, as graceful as Anne Hathaway, as adorable as Emma Stone, as quietly confident as Benedict Cumberbatch, or any of the people I look up to. I don't need to be anything.

This year I've actually been taking proper acting classes. One of the things I've learned about myself is when I think of how I'm suppose to say the lines, what I look like, or just plain overthinking the scene- I come off super fake. When I take on who the person is and then just let it be- that's when I do my best work.

So this is me. Just saying that I'm what I am. Not making excuses. If I turn into a jerk or a dive I can't use the excuse that it's who I am. I'm not a fan of people who use that.

I'm also learning. I'm learning to listen. To not blurt out as much as I do. To serve people. As a Christian, this will be a lifelong sanctification. This post is in reference to who God made me as my personality and who I am as in my soul. I want to be the best I can be. Genuine and determined. Loving and serving. Lifting people up on every set I enter. More than ordinary but less than perfect. Or what I think perfect means.

Everything Could Change

Sometimes good or great things happen over time. Sometimes terrible things happen over time. For example, I recently lost a friend. It wasn't all at once dramatically, but was just as painful.

I've noticed that some really great and terrible things happen very suddenly though.One thing can change everything in a day. I think everyone can think of that one moment where something really awful happened in split seconds. Everyone responds differently to situations to like that. However, sometimes amazing things happen in split seconds. Just the way people cope differently with bad things they also respond differently to spectacular things.

I recently submitted for a film that if I were to get the role it would change everything. I try my best to think rationally about these things. On one side I realize that I am one actress out of the entire country. There are very slim chances of even getting an audition. On the other side I have completely faith that if God wants me in this film that I will be. And in that moment. My whole world changes. Everything I've been working towards could happen in an instant. I want to be sure to document these times where i'm straining, crying, and fighting for my life (it feels like), because I might forget. This is the "climb" you could say.

I'm tracking my package right now as it makes its way to the UK. Praying for favor that the moment it reaches that little office that God changes their eyes to see me and to want me. I know that I'm a nobody, but I believe that I don't have to be someone because I have God.

On Top of the World

Where I am

I was listening to this song and my brain clicked on something. See, I struggle with this silly little thing. Some people call it depression I just sometimes like to call it getting little lost. It seems a weekly battle of not losing who I am, staying focused, and purposeful.

I'm not sure why but listening to this song made me think of the past and how I could have died in 2011/2012. It was a very real possibility that I wouldn't be here writing this or living this life. So why am I getting so down about work, school, and just life? 

I have been given a second chance. To live. To be all I "can be"(quoting a British friend who once told me to be all I can be. If one day you read this sir, I remembered).

But seriously, I wouldn't have been here. Working fast food, going to school, having one or two good friends doesn't seem so impossible when the other option was not living at all. 

No, I don't have a lot of friends. I don't have parties and social gatherings every week, or even month. I may just be a minimum wage employee who spends most of her time wasted on Youtube, online classes, and the typical college student stuff, BUT what a blessed life that is!!! 

When I remember where I came from...This IS the dream life. I'm always reaching for more, which isn't bad... but what a wonderful place I'm in right now. 

To have a life. 

To have chance to accomplish my goals.

To even just have one good friend.

To be Free.

*Sometimes I feel as though. I'm living the sequel to "To Save A Life".

 This what you do with the saved life. *

2 Years

Today makes 2 years of living without my old self destructive ways.
It doesn't mean I haven't struggled with those things.
It just means it's been two years since the last time I truly gave in.
So I figured this calls for a post and a few lyrics since I'm just listening to music trying to find something fun to do today.


"They said we never would survive,
and I believed the lies,
and then there words were verified,
when I replaced my heart for your demise,
but you were always on my side."

I'm still getting over a cold/flu thing.
I've had quite a few auditions this week and things that are like one in a million of actually getting but still super fun to do! And who knows what God has in store. It would be super fun to do one of them.

Hmmm.. I suppose I should post my thoughts on reaching two years. Honestly, I don't have much thoughts. My life is so different now. I didn't even remember until I was writing down the date during church this morning. I was like "Oh yeah hey". I am happy to have reached another milestone.