8:37pm: Many... Many.... Many complications today.... but hey there can always be more. That's pretty much my motto: There's ALWAYS more.
So I don't really want to record today but in the attempt of being completely honest my conscience tells me I have to record this no matter what. I must say however when I write this my intention is never to hurt or put down anyone. If anything it should show all my imperfections and hopefully help me create my life into the living testimony it needs to be.
Alright. Let's get started. Today I hung out with two very amazing friends... One of which named Sabbina who I've mentioned before, and the other Caitlyn who has become a good friend as well. Since I am not ready to/cannot yet write on here what specific problem it is that I'm dealing with yet I guess I'll just use the name "Zack" (the name my friend Bill calls it). Well certain conversations came up that were triggering to me... then there was an actual action or so that I found kinda hard to respond to... because when it comes to things that triggering it's difficult in the fact that it makes you want it but you're trying to fight it so it's a complication. I've found I hate triggers more than anythhhinnng. They are the most annoying things in the world because you feel like two people fighting with each other when it happens.
Then we watched one of my favorite scary movies. I suggested we should watch this movie. However, I forgot that there are one or two scenes that are triggering as well. GAH! Torture. I can't believe I forgot about it. One part of me knows I'm stronger than this. That part looks back to when I was little. Everything you dream of being you never expect for things like this to happen. I use to pray every single day when I was about 9-13 years old for one specific thing. I use to ask God if He would make me brave. Brave like Esther. Brave like all those heroes you see in the movies. I use to think bravery meant having no fear. Wrong. Bravery is about facing your fears. I think I need to start praying that again.
So here I am sitting listening to Bless The Fall and many other of my favorite bands... And after all the things that have happened today and different things that just keep circling around in my mind I find I am facing temptation this very minute. So.. I'm gonna try to type out my thoughts in order to figure out what i'm thinking before this kinda thing happens...
Here's my thought process of the night:
It's not a big deal. Lots of people do it and they are just fine. It's not a problem. It makes you feel better and it's not like it does any real damage to anyone. I miss it and I need it. I won't be able to really actually ever stop so there's no point in putting myself through this misery of trying to stop.
No one has ever really been able to beat it. Remember how it use to make me feel better? Yeah sure I had to lie in order to keep it a secret and yeah sure it will cause problem with friends because I will have to start lying to them again, but remember how it use to be? How I could just do whatever I wanted to? If I just do it again, and lie about it then slowly I could get back to where I was and no one would know a thing. I'll be fine alone.
No. Really? I ask myself this question a lot. Realllly?!... Goodness....
Remember how it use to be? Yes, I do.
I remember sitting on my bathroom floor punching the wall in tears and frustration because of my failure. I remember sitting wide awake on my bed at 3-4am staring at the wall with the light on with a dead frozen face but just wanting to scream. I remember believing I was always gonna be alone and never be able to tell anyone this and feeling trapped. I remember being in so much pain, torture, trapped, hurt, and having to lie every single day to every person I saw.
No, sir. I'm not gonna believe this crap.
Lots of people do it? Yeah they are just as miserable as I was.
Its not a problem? No it's a HUGE problem.
It's not doing any real damage to anyone? Wrong. It's doing damage to me inside and out. And it hurts those around me.
I miss it? Yeah unfortunately that's the addictive part.
I need it? As Sabbina would say "Heck No"- I got everything I need
I can't stop? If I don't try I'll never know.
Remember how I could do anything I want? Be a follower of Christ means being dead to sin and alive in Christ.
I'll be fine alone? Funny... Wasn't that the thing I was so scared of being trapped by?
Misery...... That's for sure. Our camp speaker said this year "When you're fighting sin you feel like you're in agony... You feel like you're being deprived of what makes you truly happy"- VERY TRUE.
Agony. Misery. Torture. However you wanna put it.
So I figured I type a lot on here. I'll post a picture. So I took my sad "Misery" picture. Fighting sin aint fun but it's a heck lot better than being trapped in it... though when you're trapped in it sometimes you might not feel it quite yet.... if you stay in sin long enough. I PROMISE YOU... You'll feel just how miserable it leaves YOU.
Completely Raw. No make-up/Editing. Just my sad misery face. Hopefully slowly this torture will get better. By the way by torture I mean the feeling of having to go from the thoughts to the truth.
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