8:16pm: So much keeps happening every single day it's hard to keep record of everything that happens. I'm gonna go over the past week or so. Well about a week ago I had been home alone a few days and started to slowly lose my mind. I've realized the reasons for such insanity is a little thing called self-focus. I started to dwell on all these crappy memories and failures. It's so easy to become so ashamed of your sin that the shame takes over. What we don't realize is.. Yes, we are to repent of our sin to God, but constant repentance actually takes glory away from God. We are to repent and then rejoice!
So as I let all my failure and past sink in my eyes drifted from the Lord. In which then all my fears came up. All my fears of not being forgiven, people leaving, anything and everything. What I didn't realize was that by being afraid people are gonna leave you, you actually are failing to trust them. Here's my example: My close friends Sabbina and Hannah. Especially Sabbina (for some reason having known Hannah 7 years makes me feel she's more likely to stay). However, by me being afraid that Sabbina is gonna leave me because i'm so annoying, obnoxious, a burden, etc. I am saying that I don't believe her when she says "I'm not going anywhere". Don't get me wrong, I trust her. I trust her when I tell her things about me and such. I trust that what we have is only between her and I. That's not the kind of trust we are talking about.
We do the same thing to God.
Just imagine. If I do this to my friends. Then I'm probably doing the same thing to God. I trust him.... on SOME things.... but then when it comes to when he says "You are forgiven" I tend to half-believe. Just like Abraham in Genesis. If you were to ask me to give the gospel I would tell you God has forgiven me and blah blah all the stuff every christian is suppose to say. However. I've realized (and I never even knew this) that underneath the surface my thoughts and actions are saying "I have to get forgiveness my own way". Which is the same thing as saying to God : "It was nice and all that you sent your son to die and take my sin.... buuuutttttt..... I'm just not sure that his death covers all my sin..... sooo i'm gonna try a couple different ways until I find one that works for me".
Not good.
I've heard so many people preach this and never realized God was trying to talk to me.
So in my fear I backed away from Sabbina. Strange how when we are scared of being alone we push everyone away. I push her away because I want so desperately for her to come back. She came over and we talked awhile. There was a lot of hurt. Somehow we made it through.
Now.... the past few days I've been really feeling the pull of sin. It's been getting harder and harder to fight it. Since I'm straining so hard to fight this one sin everything feels very shaky and uneasy. Anything anyone says shakes me. I'm at a very vulnerable stage (ha when am I not?) and spent a lot of time breaking down crying. My friends want me to just be happy. They want to fix it. They want to see me smile. I understand. However, this time it's not a pity party. It's just a pure struggle. Trying so hard to do whats right that it physically hurts inside and my stomach feels sick. I ended up telling Hannah and Sabbina (in tears of course) that what I want is help. Not the way they think though. I just want to lay around and watch movies even if I am in tears the whole time. The only thing I see "fixing" this is just time. Just getting through it without giving in.
I am so grateful for Sabbina and Hannah. They ended up coming over and spending the night cause they didn't want to leave me a mess. I love you guys. I really do.
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