August 3rd

3:54pm: It's Friday. Tonight is my cousins rehearsal dinner for her wedding tomorrow. Very excited. Figured i'd needed to write today.

Complication Number 8092183019283:  Party Pooper

Whenever I hear the saying "Party pooper" I think of Miss Lucy with one of the greatest episodes. Can't help but agree with this expression ^.

So. As I and my friends have noticed... This week has been hard. It's been hard because (as I mentioned in my previous post) Fighting sin is hard. This isn't easy. It's caused me to become sad and as someone put it seeming all "depressed". Go back to my previous post if you don't know what i'm talking about.

New development in the complication: No one likes to hang out with sad people.

People want to be where the party is. They like to be with exciting and fun people. It's hard to be with someone who is sad or hurting. It's not easy. People like easy.

Get my predicament? No? Let me catch you up.

I can't help being sad sometimes. I don't know why but no matter how hard I fight it or even how much scripture I quote to myself and make myself believe... sometimes I just can't get rid of the sad feeling. I can't make myself hyper and exciting... So.... then no one wants to hang out with me... Which hurts.. 

So. In conclusion. It sucks when no one wants to be with you when all you really want is just someone to stay with you and keep you company. If I don't do something everyone is going to grow so sick of me. I'm getting sick of me, but everyone else has the privilege of being able to get away... I do not have that privilege. I'm stuck with me. 

I know God does everything with reason so I haven't shut down. I'm still fighting. I'm keeping myself busy and I actually feel ok at the moment. I don't need people to make me happy, but it still hurts being alone. God is my company today :) 

As I said before "If I don't do something.." Well last night I decided to do something.

I was chit-chatting with Sabbina on text.... and it seems everyone was a little on edge with each other. Sabbina didn't seem on edge but I was tired of being that one extra thing she has to worry about... So i decided to totally ignore myself for the night. I tried asking everyone I knew about them and tried to make sure the conversation didn't turn towards me. I completely humbled myself. I was still sad but I tried to make sure to type with lots of smiley faces because I really didn't want anyone to be worried about me. I didn't want to betray their trust... that's what I'm scared of... that they wont see this in my perspective but be mad like I was lying to them.

However.... When everyone said goodnight and was all cheery I was sitting on my bed and just felt all the sadness come back and I just laid with the light on for awhile. Then I decided to ignore my thoughts and turned off the light and went to sleep. I'm not sure if this is wrong. I'm trying to make sure all my text messages today are happy and cheery. 

However, I can't help but feel fake.

  I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS....

 Then why do I do it?

I made the mistake of not answering Sabbina's phone call this morning (when I always answer) in which she caught on something is going on. So trying to persuade her back to where she doesn't think a thing of it. I don't know.. I'm still very back and forth on this. I just want them to be happy.... but at the same time I so wish for some company here at the house... but will being sad do? It does no good for anyone. I just gotta get through this with time.. even if I have to do it alone. I'm not taking anyone down with me... not sure anyone would come over anyways. Don't get me wrong. My friends are good friends. They'd either come over or theyd feel bad and want to fix it---- I just don't want them to feel bad. It's all complicated.

Anywhos. That's all for today.