Jan. 20th-2013- Perfect Life

Perfect Life

So... Things are messy right now but I've been ok. I've stayed pretty steady.. my friends have been falling apart and I've been trying to help them the best I can. However today I'm having a hard time..

Here's whats on my mind... I feel like a mute... and even when I do say something no one listens..

It's like they already expected what my response would be and they already summed up what they were going to say to my "response" so they say it and then it makes no sense to what I was saying..

Am I crazy?

Is this unreasonable?

I'm starting to notice it other places then just home.. but it's especially at home.. and I can't stay this or I will get yelled at for thinking this.. I just feel like i'm continually shut down.. or ignored, and if I do get a chance to actually have a conversation it never goes well.

Trapped.

Considering going back to my mute status...
but I know if I do that..
 I'm gonna go back to other things too...
Things I shouldn't..

UGH!

I feel like i'm back at 12 years old. Where fairytales, stories, and dreams are all I have to cling on to. Where even though I feel trapped at home where no one wants to hear my voice, thoughts, opinions, I can still go back to stories and dreams. Even if the dream is impossible. Breakaway. 

THE RIGHT WAY TO THINK:
I was being selfish in this post- now I'm editing in (It's March now).
I can't assume they can read my mind. I need to be more considerate of them. God  does not want me to think this way ^^. And this is not the way scripture says to think.

Jan 7th- Honeymoon stage :)

Hi......

My name is Rebeca...

And I've been in the honeymoon stage for about 18 hours now...

Jan. 4th, 2013- Bored

Booorreeed...

but at the same time I have stuff I need to do.

I have my little list of 2012 goals I need to take down and put up my 2013 ones.

By the way, for Christmas I got a sketch book. Might post some of my random drawings on here one day. I really don't consider myself a painter or artist it's just something I do when i'm bored like now. Just like I don't consider myself a blogger yet I have this thing.

What should my 2013 goals be... What do I want to do..

Let's see....

2013:

1) Get new agent
2) Share REAL testimony
3)Get one non-extra acting job
4) Sing, sing, sing
5) Learn to Trust God more
6) Go on an adventure
7) Record a Song
8) Sell on Itunes
9) Get into college
10) Do something nice for someone.

There we go.

Happy New Year

Good News: I found my lipstick.

You Get Me Through 

Bad News.... 

I have something that's on my mind and I'm not exactly sure why it's hitting so hard right now..

So someone I knew died recently. I'm not going to claim to be best friends with him because I wasn't. I was at one time friends with him when I was in middle school. I still have seen him every once awhile.

New Years Eve was hard for me. I was in a few spats with friends. Not really "drama" but just it seemed that I had lost a friend of mine. It seems there is a lot of damage between us we are slowly trying to repair. Then it seemed that I had gotten another friend of mine mad at me. A lot of things were wrong at once and I was struggling with "code,zach,etc" a lot. I was really down. One part of me wanted to trust God so desperately and then the other felt just trapped and hopeless... I felt like I couldn't make it through the night.. .You see I was at a party with the friends who seemed to not care for me anymore and they would not talk to me. I felt alone. Luckily good friends Caitlyn and Hope kept talking to me and trying to get me to enjoy myself. Then had good talk with Sabbina. 

However, For some reason my brain just kept telling me that I couldn't make it through the night, and that I was alone. It was like a back and forth war that was extremely miserable. 

I've learned how amazing and ridiculous it is that these little thoughts turn into actions but the action never feels real. This time I didn't do anything stupid like I normally would have done. I think what I never realized as a stupid little 8th grader years ago was that these actions are real.. and leave consequences. They effect everyone around you.. and if you let it get bad enough to the point where the action becomes permanent (death) that there is no going back. There's no fixing. No talking. No happy ending. It's just over.

Jan. 1st- I found out this kid from middle school died... i found out New Years Eve he killed himself.

Everyone keeps telling me "we can never truly understand".... Can't we? 

Those stupid little thoughts... turning into actions... stupid little actions.. turning into horrible actions, and  permanent consequences.

I wonder...

If he realized just how far this took him.

If He knew that there would be no changing his choice.

If he knew the reality of his choice.

Either way I find myself confused and disturbed about it all. 

Lots of people miss you Josh. 

So many people care about you.

I wonder if you knew that. 

 

Christmas Eve 2012!

Figured I'd post some christmas photos while I'm listening to some new music.

"You could beat the world. You could beat the war. You could move a mountain. Find yourself standing in the hall of fame. The world's gonna know your name. You can go the distance. Run straight through hell with a smile. Do it for your people. Never gonna know if you don't try. Do it for your country do it for your name cause there's gonna be a day where your standing in the hall of fame. The world's gonna know your name. You burn with the brightest flame."

"Don't you know i'm not your ghost anymore, you lost the love I loved the most. I learned to live half alive. Who do you think you are? Running round leaving scars. Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart."

"Make me lose my mind."

 

 

 

"All I get from you is double double talk talk. Every single day day. Every word you say say." -Double Talk, Emily Osment

"What's it like for you, on your own, what do you do? Do you like to chit chat to yourself?"-Chit chat

Dec. 22, 2012- Headaches

So this morning at the beautiful hour of 7am I woke up with a severe head ache.It felt like ears were gonna start bleeding and my hand starting hurting then my back, inside my ribs, and then to my foot. It was so weird.

Drift- Love this song

I also love this song "Chit chat". It's catchy. There are so many good songs out there that need to be on 93.3 but yet... every song on 93.3flz sounds like the same old computerized stuff. I'm going to be recorded in January :) I'm hoping to try to sell it on Itunes. Email me if anyone out there is interested and would buy something I record. I you don't know what I sound like just go to www.youtube.com/Rebecadonovan1

So today i'm just laying in bed on ibuprofen cause my head is killing me. Tonight I'm going to an elf party. Hopefully my head will stop by then. It's kinda nice to just lay around.

I think I'll post some more photos. 

Today I Am Alone

My head hurts...

My eyes feel dry. I think I cried in my sleep last night from the way I woke up. Must've had a bad dream...

I'm not sure why but I don't feel safe. It's like I feel fine but I don't. I'm exhausted but I have had plenty of sleep and everything feels different. I'm not sure what's going on with me. My head has been hurting. I've had weird vision problems. My behavior hasn't been me.

Today I decided to ignore the world.. even though I know i've been struggling. It felt good. I'm sorry to the friends I ignored though. I wasn't meaning to be mean to you. I guess I just needed to be alone. I got a lot of thinking done but didn't really come to any conclusions.

Ok. Let me get the facts out.
Facts: I'm struggling with food again. I've been eating but the past two days I haven't had too much real food. I did my devotions for the first time in a week today. Which was good but I still feel this numb feeling. i'm broken hearted again over the fact that I continuously make my friends upset and annoyed with me... but at the same time i'm tired of pleasing them. I don't really care. I just kinda wanna do whatever I want to and not care... i don't know. My head really hurts right now. These random headaches lately have been killing me but I'm restraining from telling my mom every time cause I show symptoms of not good stuff but we don't have the money to take care of that so I hate worrying her. 

I'm excited for Christmas :)

I've told friends how I feel like i'm a mess.. and I know there's not much they can do. I kinda wish someone was here to at least just be a company.. but at the same time im ok alone. But am I? I don't trust my instincts today. It just doesn't feel safe.

Being numb right now is a blessing.

I really love the song "Drift" by Emily Osment right now. It's so simple but good. How can I sleep so much yet still be so tired? I've done nothing today. Haha... HAHA... "faded into hazy... and sinking strong." -Drift

Look it up. Drrrifftt away.