Waiting...

The past 2.5 hours has consisted of me sitting in my car and then at my desk waiting for 101.5 to play "Good For You" by Selena Gomez so that I can call in and try to win the $1000. I really need/want this $1000 because of my efforts to raise $20,000 to go to London and study classical acting.

So I'm waiting for a radio station to play a song.

Waiting to raise $20,000.

Waiting to go to London.

Waiting to study classical acting.

To wait to try to make a career out of acting.

There's lots of waiting.

It's very important to me to not waste today with my waiting.

The Song they are currently playing...

I try not to waste the days.

I'm extremely focused on my goals. So easy to let life just slip away.

Our life is a mist anyways. Let's say one day I get to do all that I want to, that too will end. That's why God is so important. Well, just one of the many reasons.

"I don't know what kind of girl I am"

This year so far has been this: filming, first premiere, school, first red carpet, and now summer time.
Work is kind of sprinkled through out all of this.

The theme of the first half of this year has been a lot of learning, as usual, but specifically, in who I am. Don't worry, I'm not about to go all self-discovery drama. What I mean is who I am to the public. The premiere I was really nervous for people to see the film and to talk to me. I have a lot of role models of actors and talented artists.

One of the things I love about them is who they are and how they portray their characters. Going to the premiere I found myself thinking of who I am.. who I am publicly to these people who see my work. Who am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be funny? Graceful? Confident and serious? I struggled with these same thoughts going into the Red Carpet and Award Ceremony. As an actor, if there's anything that drives me crazy it would be an actor who isn't genuine. If you aren't genuine in your life then how can you be on screen? 

I can't believe I even had these thoughts of who I was suppose to be. I can only be me. How the public responds to that is their decision. So I don't need to be as funny as Amy Schumer, as graceful as Anne Hathaway, as adorable as Emma Stone, as quietly confident as Benedict Cumberbatch, or any of the people I look up to. I don't need to be anything.

This year I've actually been taking proper acting classes. One of the things I've learned about myself is when I think of how I'm suppose to say the lines, what I look like, or just plain overthinking the scene- I come off super fake. When I take on who the person is and then just let it be- that's when I do my best work.

So this is me. Just saying that I'm what I am. Not making excuses. If I turn into a jerk or a dive I can't use the excuse that it's who I am. I'm not a fan of people who use that.

I'm also learning. I'm learning to listen. To not blurt out as much as I do. To serve people. As a Christian, this will be a lifelong sanctification. This post is in reference to who God made me as my personality and who I am as in my soul. I want to be the best I can be. Genuine and determined. Loving and serving. Lifting people up on every set I enter. More than ordinary but less than perfect. Or what I think perfect means.

Everything Could Change

Sometimes good or great things happen over time. Sometimes terrible things happen over time. For example, I recently lost a friend. It wasn't all at once dramatically, but was just as painful.

I've noticed that some really great and terrible things happen very suddenly though.One thing can change everything in a day. I think everyone can think of that one moment where something really awful happened in split seconds. Everyone responds differently to situations to like that. However, sometimes amazing things happen in split seconds. Just the way people cope differently with bad things they also respond differently to spectacular things.

I recently submitted for a film that if I were to get the role it would change everything. I try my best to think rationally about these things. On one side I realize that I am one actress out of the entire country. There are very slim chances of even getting an audition. On the other side I have completely faith that if God wants me in this film that I will be. And in that moment. My whole world changes. Everything I've been working towards could happen in an instant. I want to be sure to document these times where i'm straining, crying, and fighting for my life (it feels like), because I might forget. This is the "climb" you could say.

I'm tracking my package right now as it makes its way to the UK. Praying for favor that the moment it reaches that little office that God changes their eyes to see me and to want me. I know that I'm a nobody, but I believe that I don't have to be someone because I have God.

On Top of the World

Where I am

I was listening to this song and my brain clicked on something. See, I struggle with this silly little thing. Some people call it depression I just sometimes like to call it getting little lost. It seems a weekly battle of not losing who I am, staying focused, and purposeful.

I'm not sure why but listening to this song made me think of the past and how I could have died in 2011/2012. It was a very real possibility that I wouldn't be here writing this or living this life. So why am I getting so down about work, school, and just life? 

I have been given a second chance. To live. To be all I "can be"(quoting a British friend who once told me to be all I can be. If one day you read this sir, I remembered).

But seriously, I wouldn't have been here. Working fast food, going to school, having one or two good friends doesn't seem so impossible when the other option was not living at all. 

No, I don't have a lot of friends. I don't have parties and social gatherings every week, or even month. I may just be a minimum wage employee who spends most of her time wasted on Youtube, online classes, and the typical college student stuff, BUT what a blessed life that is!!! 

When I remember where I came from...This IS the dream life. I'm always reaching for more, which isn't bad... but what a wonderful place I'm in right now. 

To have a life. 

To have chance to accomplish my goals.

To even just have one good friend.

To be Free.

*Sometimes I feel as though. I'm living the sequel to "To Save A Life".

 This what you do with the saved life. *

2 Years

Today makes 2 years of living without my old self destructive ways.
It doesn't mean I haven't struggled with those things.
It just means it's been two years since the last time I truly gave in.
So I figured this calls for a post and a few lyrics since I'm just listening to music trying to find something fun to do today.


"They said we never would survive,
and I believed the lies,
and then there words were verified,
when I replaced my heart for your demise,
but you were always on my side."

I'm still getting over a cold/flu thing.
I've had quite a few auditions this week and things that are like one in a million of actually getting but still super fun to do! And who knows what God has in store. It would be super fun to do one of them.

Hmmm.. I suppose I should post my thoughts on reaching two years. Honestly, I don't have much thoughts. My life is so different now. I didn't even remember until I was writing down the date during church this morning. I was like "Oh yeah hey". I am happy to have reached another milestone.

Life Goals

Life Goals:

(September 28th, 2014)

1. Sing at the 1-800-ask-Gary amphitheater

2. When leaving an airport, have one of those people holding a sign with my name.

3. Sing/lip sync at the Macy's day parade/or Christmas Parade at Disney

4. Be a member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts

5. Make an amazing feature length film

6. Direct a Movie (movie defined by paid crew/cast, feature length, high quality, music made for...)

7. Stand on the Eiffel Tower

8. Go the Pearl Harbor site

9. Go to ground zero in New York ***Completed June 2015***

10. Go to London

11. Be on the Graham-Norton Show

12. Record an Album

13. Work on a film/show with kids

14. Sing at the Amalie Arena (Tampa Bay times forum)

(October 19th, 2014)
15. Be on Disney Channel at least once.
16. Do a role that includes being in a hospital bed***Completed December 29th, 2014***
17. Do a role that includes dying.
(November 24th, 2014)
18. Meet Josh Hutcherson
19. Play the game "Box of Lies" on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.
20. Get an agent in Los Angeles
21. Play a character that includes being restrained down as a crazy person.
22. Meet Benedict Cumberbatch
23. Attend a premiere at the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood
24. Get a british person's opinion on my fake british accent ***Completed January 2018***
25. Be on a talk show so far away that it requires a translator just to understand what the host is saying.
26. Meet Kelly and Michael from "Live! with Kelly and Michael".
(January 7th, 2015)
27. See any movie in the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood
28. Be in a comedy Film/TV show ***Completed January/December 2016***
29. Be in a horror Film/TV Show
30. Get a background check on Care.com***Complete 2015***
31. Get an IMDB pro account/or picture on IMDB***Complete February 2015***
(February 3rd, 2015)
32. Be a part of a film that is set in a different world than our own modern day one.
33, Be a part of a film series with multiple films.
34.Be a part of a film series with fantasy (magic, futuristic, scifi, etc.)
35. Speak on a panel at an event
(April 1st, 2015)
36. Be in a movie with Jennifer Lawrence
37. Meet Emma Stone
38. Go on a tour (either my own, or opening for someone)
(June 12th, 2015)
39. Learn to cry on command
(July 11th, 2015)
40. Speak at comic-con
41. Be on the Today show as a guest
(August 22nd, 2015)
42. Meet Simon Cowell
43. Be a judge on X Factor, Got Talent, Etc.
(September 29th, 2015)
44. Meet Julie Chen
45. Be on Big Brother
(January 4th, 2017)
46. Get any kind of role on Stranger Things before it ends.
47. Have a great agent.
48. Have a publicist.
49. Win a best actress/supporting award.
(January 7th, 2017)
50. Star in a music video.
(October 31, 2017)
51. Play the voice of a major role in an animated Disney film.
(January 31, 2018)
52. Pay off my parent's mortgage by 2025
53. Receive a check for $500,000 by 2030

Joy and The Lack Of....

...

For the past four days I've been struggling with depression.

This is not new to me, but still difficult to say. It feels wrong. I have no reason to be unhappy or hopeless. Goodness... out of all in the world I should be the most hopeful. 

I have no reason to be ungrateful.

I have no reasons. So why do I have certain weeks of such creativity and then other weeks of feeling so pointless? I have no answer.

It's never quite so simple to give on answer. Some times might be because my focus is too much on myself and I am too self-dependent which leads me somewhere lost. Others might be because I face a certain trial and do not trust in God. However, sometimes I am seeking the Lord with all my heart and trying to learn yet my emotions still tell me that I am pointless. I can't control it. So at the point, I no longer do what I use to. Give up and let it all sink in. Do what I feel like and allow it to spiral. No, I know better. I don't do that crap anymore. 

Instead. I take a breath. I allow myself to feel everything I am for a minute. I say, "I feel (X). And I don't know why. I would love to take control to change it but for whatever reason this is the way it is right now. And it's ok. What is true? God is in control. God knows. He tells me to talk to Him in these times."

  

"Let me see redemption win, 

Let me know the struggle ends,

That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn,

I wanna know a sun can rise,

from the ashes of a broken life,

and all that's dead inside can be reborn,

Cause I'm worn,

My prayers are wearing thin,

I'm worn,

even before the day begins,

I'm worn,

I've lost my will to fight,

I'm worn,

So heaven come and flood my eyes."

These moments or weeks of feeling this way are always weird. I just want it go away and be my normal self. It makes me overthink everything I do and what I need to fix. I just always want to fix myself till I'm perfect. But the best thing for me to do is to stop thinking about myself. Life's not about me anyways. 

The more I strive to focus on Christ the more I feel temptation to act on my thoughts. The past four days each trigger seems to get stronger.. but if I can resist it in that 1 minute moment it goes away completely. Today felt so strong my mind almost not turning back but God was so good to lighten my heart with these sweet customers that came up and all they did was say "Thank you" but I instantly felt the weight off the temptation off.. Yes even at work I feel it.. and I'm so grateful for their blessing. I wouldn't be surprised if they were really angels... Oh God, you are so good.

Since I'm such a researcher of self-help I researched the christian perspective on depression. Instead of finding easy steps to get rid of such.. I found a sermon by John Macarthur and 14 things that steal joy. I never thought of it that way. Bad things are simply the lack of good things. So depression would then be the lack of joy.

Here's what I found:

14 Things that can Steal your Joy!

1. False Conversion – You are a false convert to Christ, you are not truly born again
2. Satan & Demons
3. Not understanding God’s Sovereignty – He is in Total control
4. Praylessness – Not going to the Lord in prayer
5. A low after a Spiritual High – e.g Monday after Sunday
6. Circumstance Orientation – Your circumstances dictate your joy
7. Ingratitude – Not being thankful
8. Forgetfulness - Forgetting what Christ has saved you from
9. Dissatisfaction with your earthly condition – what you have, where you live, how you look
10. Fear of the future – The “What If” syndrome
11. You Live by Uncontrolled feelings – You don’t take captive your thought life
12. Morbid self analysis – Self centered continual focus on your faults
13. Self Centered – When it’s all about you and your needs
14. Guilt – unwilling to forgive yourself even though God has.

SO TRUE. Good reminders. I think I can see the silver lining. And I'll be just fine. 

(http://truthwar.wordpress.com/2007/11/22/14-things-that-can-steal-your-joy-john-macarthur/)