July 31st

 I'm becoming Faceless.

8:16pm: So much keeps happening every single day it's hard to keep record of everything that happens. I'm gonna go over the past week or so. Well about a week ago I had  been home alone a few days and started to slowly lose my mind. I've realized the reasons for such insanity is a little thing called self-focus. I started to dwell on all these crappy memories and failures. It's so easy to become so ashamed of your sin that the shame takes over. What we don't realize is.. Yes, we are to repent of our sin to God, but constant repentance actually takes glory away from God. We are to repent and then rejoice!

So as I let all my failure and past sink in my eyes drifted from the Lord. In which then all my fears came up. All my fears of not being forgiven, people leaving, anything and everything. What I didn't realize was that by being afraid people are gonna leave you, you actually are failing to trust them. Here's my example: My close friends Sabbina and Hannah. Especially Sabbina (for some reason having known Hannah 7 years makes me feel she's more likely to stay). However, by me being afraid that Sabbina is gonna leave me because i'm so annoying, obnoxious, a burden, etc. I am saying that I don't believe her when she says "I'm not going anywhere". Don't get me wrong, I trust her. I trust her when I tell her things about me and such. I trust that what we have is only between her and I. That's not the kind of trust we are talking about. 

We do the same thing to God.

Just imagine. If I do this to my friends. Then I'm probably doing the same thing to God. I trust him.... on SOME things.... but then when it comes to when he says "You are forgiven" I tend to half-believe. Just like Abraham in Genesis. If you were to ask me to give the gospel I would tell you God has forgiven me and blah blah all the stuff every christian is suppose to say. However. I've realized (and I never even knew this) that underneath the surface my thoughts and actions are saying "I have to get forgiveness my own way". Which is the same thing as saying to God : "It was nice and all that you sent your son to die and take my sin.... buuuutttttt..... I'm just not sure that his death covers all my sin..... sooo i'm gonna try a couple different ways until I find one that works for me". 

Not good.

I've heard so many people preach this and never realized God was trying to talk to me. 

So in my fear I backed away from Sabbina. Strange how when we are scared of being alone we push everyone away. I push her away because I want so desperately for her to come back. She came over and we talked awhile. There was a lot of hurt. Somehow we made it through.

Now.... the past few days I've been really feeling the pull of sin. It's been getting harder and harder to fight it. Since I'm straining so hard to fight this one sin everything feels very shaky and uneasy. Anything anyone says shakes me. I'm at a very vulnerable stage (ha when am I not?) and spent a lot of time breaking down crying. My friends want me to just be happy. They want to fix it. They want to see me smile. I understand. However, this time it's not a pity party. It's just a pure struggle. Trying so hard to do whats right that it physically hurts inside and my stomach feels sick. I ended up telling Hannah and Sabbina (in tears of course) that what I want is help. Not the way they think though. I just want to lay around and watch movies even if I am in tears the whole time. The only thing I see "fixing" this is just time. Just getting through it without giving in. 

I am so grateful for Sabbina and Hannah. They ended up coming over and spending the night cause they didn't want to leave me a mess. I love you guys. I really do.

Now i'm sitting here dancing in my chair. Nothing has changed, but today I'm choosing to trust my friends. I trust them that when they say they are not gonna leave, that they won't. I'm choosing to trust God. I trust that He has a specific purpose for every moment in my life. I'm becoming what God needs me to be in order to fully live for him. It's not about me. It's about what God is doing through me. Without God.. I might think that I can do whatever I want... I might think I got myself all together, but without God... I'm faceless.

July 13- Misery

 I am in Misery

8:37pm: Many... Many.... Many complications today.... but hey there can always be more. That's pretty much my motto: There's ALWAYS more.

So I don't really want to record today but in the attempt of being completely honest my conscience tells me I have to record this no matter what. I must say however when I write this my intention is never to hurt or put down anyone. If anything it should show all my imperfections and hopefully help me create my life into the living testimony it needs to be.

Alright. Let's get started. Today I hung out with two very amazing friends... One of which named Sabbina who I've mentioned before, and the other Caitlyn who has become a good friend as well. Since I am not ready to/cannot yet write on here what specific problem it is that I'm dealing with yet I guess I'll just use the name "Zack" (the name my friend Bill calls it). Well certain conversations came up that were triggering to me... then there was an actual action or so that I found kinda hard to respond to... because when it comes to things that triggering it's difficult in the fact that it makes you want it but you're trying to fight it so it's a complication. I've found I hate triggers more than anythhhinnng. They are the most annoying things in the world because you feel like two people fighting with each other when it happens.

Then we watched one of my favorite scary movies. I suggested we should watch this movie. However, I forgot that there are one or two scenes that are triggering as well. GAH! Torture. I can't believe I forgot about it. One part of me knows I'm stronger than this. That part looks back to when I was little. Everything you dream of being you never expect for things like this to happen. I use to pray every single day when I was about 9-13 years old for one specific thing. I use to ask God if He would make me brave. Brave like Esther. Brave like all those heroes you see in the movies. I use to think bravery meant having no fear. Wrong. Bravery is about facing your fears. I think I need to start praying that again.

So here I am sitting listening to Bless The Fall and many other of my favorite bands... And after all the things that have happened today and different things that just keep circling around in my mind I find I am facing temptation this very minute. So.. I'm gonna try to type out my thoughts in order to figure out what i'm thinking before this kinda thing happens...

Here's my thought process of the night:

It's not a big deal. Lots of people do it and they are just fine. It's not a problem. It makes you feel better and it's not like it does any real damage to anyone. I miss it and I need it. I won't be able to really actually ever stop so there's no point in putting myself through this misery of trying to stop. 
No one has ever really been able to beat it. Remember how it use to make me feel better? Yeah sure I had to lie in order to keep it a secret and yeah sure it will cause problem with friends because I will have to start lying to them again, but remember how it use to be? How I could just do whatever I wanted to? If I just do it again, and lie about it then slowly I could get back to where I was and no one would know a thing. I'll be fine alone. 

No. Really? I ask myself this question a lot. Realllly?!... Goodness....
Remember how it use to be? Yes, I do.

 I remember sitting on my bathroom floor punching the wall in tears and frustration because of my failure. I remember sitting wide awake on my bed at 3-4am staring at the wall with the light on with a dead frozen face but just wanting to scream. I remember believing I was always gonna be alone and never be able to tell anyone this and feeling trapped. I remember being in so much pain, torture, trapped, hurt, and having to lie every single day to every person I saw.


No, sir. I'm not gonna believe this crap.
 Lots of people do it? Yeah they are just as miserable as I was.
Its not a problem? No it's a HUGE problem.
It's not doing any real damage to anyone? Wrong. It's doing damage to me inside and out. And it hurts those around me. 
I miss it? Yeah unfortunately that's the addictive part. 
I need it? As Sabbina would say "Heck No"- I got everything I need
I can't stop? If I don't try I'll never know.
Remember how I could do anything I want? Be a follower of Christ means being dead to sin and alive in Christ.
I'll be fine alone? Funny... Wasn't that the thing I was so scared of being trapped by?

Misery...... That's for sure. Our camp speaker said this year "When you're fighting sin you feel like you're in agony... You feel like you're being deprived of what makes you truly happy"- VERY TRUE.

 Agony. Misery. Torture.  However you wanna put it.


So I figured I type a lot on here. I'll post a picture. So I took my sad "Misery" picture. Fighting sin aint fun but it's a heck lot better than being trapped in it... though when you're trapped in it sometimes you might not feel it quite yet.... if you stay in sin long enough. I PROMISE YOU... You'll feel just how miserable it leaves YOU.

 Completely Raw. No make-up/Editing. Just my sad misery face. Hopefully slowly this torture will get better. By the way by torture I mean the feeling of having to go from the thoughts to the truth.

July 10-Zack

6:03pm: On my dad's computer. Absolutely incredibly bored to death today. Figured I'd write. I don't really have a complication to record just something interesting. So my friend Bill knows I've been struggling with an issue. Being Bill, and since he doesn't know what it is, he has decided to give it a name to refer to. In one way I find this entirely creepy and weird..in another I kind of like it... It's weird and complicated... Over all I don't really mind or care. Anywho. He has agreed on the name Zack. So if I use the name Zack you'll know what I'm talking about.. at least I will know what I'm talking about.

Well that's that.
By the way Bill- Yes. This is my blog.

That's Not My Name

July 9th

8:45pm: It's Already Over. I need to record yesterday's complication.

July 8th, 2012: Went to church and heard a sermon by my pastor Danny Hodges. One of the things he said that stood out to me was "If you're not sharing your faith, you are not growing". I knew I needed to speak with Hannah. So I drove up to her house and went on a walk with her. I explained it would take me time to get the words I needed to out and she understood. I then asked if we could sit somewhere in which we drove to three different Starbucks until we found a spot to sit.

We found a table in which a man walked over and sat near us.. making me feel very awkward.. so we totally in a "non-obvious" way moved over to another table. I sat.. laughed nervously.. and somehow got the words out. Every time I hear myself say these words I feel like someone else. She didn't say anything. I sat mumbling to myself. Then... silence.... I looked up no expression had changed on her face. Having no clue what was going on in her mind. This.. my best friend since fifth grade... had no expression. Although I had expected this. Still can't help the fact this left me feeling vulnerable and in need of some sort of assurance. However, I know that God is my assurance of who I am, where I've been, and where I am... not only that but of where I will be. I can have peace knowing He will take care of me.. and in that moment even though having no reaction from my friend I was at peace. Despite the anxiety I put myself through trying to get the words out. 

After a few moments (which felt like ages) she asked me a few questions. I told a few stories trying to explain... but along the way trying my hardest to not let myself try to justify my own sin. There is nothing that can justify my sin but Christ. 

So there we have it. I hope to continue to get back on track with our friendship... 
Next stop: Telling my sister (and my best friend) Christina........ this is going to be the hardest one yet. 

July 6, 2012

 Pieces by Red 
9:20pm: I'm sitting staring at my laptop's computer screen. Pretty Obvious. Keeping this for my own record of the complications that have occurred and will occur. Today's complications are simple. I've been dealing with an issue. My family does not know of this issue... so let's call it...... Ummmmm....... Let's just go with what it is: Sin. And the temptation of it.

So today's complication was the fact that... two days ago.. I believe it was two days.. maybe three... You get the point- Two days ago I failed at this. I gave in. This was my first time in about a month. And before that I had gone like three months. Since I failed so recently it brings complications of guilt, accountability (by three people that I know)... Maybe if some strange person out there is reading this I'll take you back a bit to explain myself.

Into the past:
2007: My 8th grade year. Developed a problem in which didn't seem to be wrong at the time.
2008-2009: Continued in my own little world doing whatever while trying to follow the Lord (I'm a follower of Christ/Christian)
2010: Started to realize this issue was getting worse but was already to far in to get myself out.
2011: (Junior in highschool) By the end of the year.. I had reached my end.The issue had gotten to extreme becoming an everyday distraction from the world.. an addiction... It left me lost and alone though.. oh and many other adjectives I could use. Pretty much hopeless. Wasn't sure what to do. Thought my life was over. The end. (That's what someone would be saying if it weren't for this next part)- December- Visited an old friend who was a teacher of mine for five years... Talked to her a bit without giving too much detail on the issue.. Saw just a bit of hope in her but still not sure. \
2012: January: Went to a little thing called "Winter Jam". (A big christian concert) with close friends. Three of which by the names of Hannah, Sabbina, and Hope. Heard something from one of the bands that shook me. (Earlier that week had considered telling someone).
The next week: Went to youthgroup. Jason Bruns speaks on "Fear Factor" and speaks on what holds us back. Fear was the only thing holding me back from talking. Went up to Sabbina asking if I could spend the night sometime in order to talk with her and Hope. Next thing I know..
January 19th, 2012: Watching the movie "Abduction" with Hope and Sabbina. Sitting on the ground shaking already knowing what I'm about to say I haven't said in the past 4 or so years it had been going on. Movie ends. Stood up. Look at them both. Something like "I have something to tell you" came out. Their faces grew serious but curious. Sat on the bed... Started crying. Took me about thirty minutes to get the words out. They both just held me the rest of the night.
February 22nd, 2012: Hope had convinced me it would be good to tell a good friend/teacher/counselor of mine named Steph. Told her.. Took me forever to get the words out then..

Present:

9:56pm: Since then have been working on it with Steph one painful step at a time. Many long talks with friends.. Many break downs in the school hallway. Now it's summer. And what's the next step in this insane journey God is taking me through?


Well as you can see i've decided to keep record of everything that happens. Even just typing this out makes me insanely GRATEFUL to God for getting me this far... In the midst of all the extreme pain you don't really say "How great is our God" and that is one of the hardest things to get yourself to do. It usually goes something like "When God? When will I get out of this torture?" or "Why?". A good friend of mine, Sabbina, once said to me "Maybe we shouldn't ask just 'why?' but 'Why does God trust me with so much?'"

The next steps go like this..... Telling my family.. Probably starting with my 21 year old sister, Christina. Then..... ugh.... my parents... Still not sure about that one... Still scared about even my sister. I just don't want to see the look on their faces... I don't want their hearts to break. I want them to think i'm just happy and perfect and blah blah blah.... but that's shallow. I think i'm willing to risk it in order to have a better relationship with them.. then to shut them out...

Then... to tell Hannah... who knows something is up. Who needs to know in order to save our friendship.. otherwise it will be shallow and weak until it breaks. Hannah. I'm sorry.

Then to wherever else God takes me. Senior year.