Pretend- August 2013

I feel lost. The result of a lost identity.

I don't like who I am without God.
I lose who I am and my purpose.
I am nothing. I lose hope and meaning. All I'm left with is regret, and guilt. Feels worthless.
I don't like it.
I just want to forget it all.
I want to desire life again.
I'm no good.
I'm just another girl in the crowd.
I don't have to be special.
I don't have to be good.
I don't have to be worth anything.
You, Lord, are everything.

Anxiety Attack

 May 5th, 2013

When you finally find a songs that sounds like you feel....


I know where I am right now isn't good. It's amazing how in just twenty-four hours I can spazz so much.
I'm freaking out.. inside.. and it paralyzes me.
I wish I could be like Iron Man and when I have anxiety be able to work with it and just become super productive.... for me.. I just freeze and lay in bed.

Every minute that goes by makes me freak out more..
One more minute closer to going to school tomorrow. To having long rehearsals this week and lots of tests to finish. Then after that prom is the next week. Gotta figure out all the details and then it will be over.. Than I will graduate. Gotta figure out college. I don't wanna.

I just wanna freeze. I want time to stop. I can't say goodbye yet. It feels like my friends are already leaving me.. and all this.. All these little things I'm trying my hardest to not think about.

Haven't been able to eat today. 

I'm going on lockdown. No texting. No facebook. No distractions. Just me. Tonight.

May 3rd

"You don't know how I'm doing,
because you never really ask,
You say you see right through me,
but that was just the past,
Now you're blinded by your own self,
Maybe I am too,
but once you're put on a shelf,
you see things you never knew."




Ps: Happy Birthday Hannah :)

April 28th- Senior Trip

April 28^th, 2013

            This weekend I went on my senior trip. It was absolutely amazing. I couldn’t have asked for a better trip. Grad Bash at Universal Studios was exciting and fun. I wasn’t really interested in the Pitbull concert going on. I’m not even quite sure who he is but a lot of people were freaking out for him. We stayed there until 2am. Didn’t get to sleep that night till 4am. The next day was spent at the pool and then went to Blue Man Group. They were awesome! I’m not sure how to describe it, you just have to go see them yourself. Then it was off the Longhorn for the biggest meal I’ve ever ordered. Overall was a great trip.

            A couple things were on my mind that had my mind spinning though. It didn’t ruin the experience they were just side things. This guy that I liked for a long time (it’s a long story) blah blah blah blah blah we are great friends now and he was on the trip. Well I can’t help the fact that I still think he is adorable and we are just really comfortable with each other. I can’t help but feel protective over him as my best friend.. Well this other girl on the trip was hanging over him the entire trip…Well.. except for the times were I had him.

She kept trying to pull him away and then he would bring up stories about him and I and she would just stare at me… AWKWARD. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to date him.. but she just seems like trouble and I don’t want to see that go up into flames. Or maybe I haven’t fully let him go. He’s gonna be with someone else eventually… I just need to accept that. I think. Confused! Alright I’m just gonna take a moment to write out everything in my head about this situation:

            This girl slightly bothers me generally because she’s really touchy and I like my personal space. I love my best friend (not romantically, people) and I don’t want to see him get hurt. I think I’ll always care for him because there’s something just different or special about him. He’s the closest guy friend I’ve ever had. After all we’ve been through he knows me. He knows how to calm me down when I’m about to have a panic attack. He knows what I think is funny and what subjects not to bring up. I also know all those things about him. We talk a lot alike and he is like a brother to me (even though I think he is adorable). This girl just kinda popping in and trying to join our friendship feels intrusive to me. It’s like we have this awesome friendship and all the sudden jumps in and thinks they can just take him from me. Maybe that’s what is bothering me. I know my sinful nature is butting into this as well. I WAY overthink this. This isn’t evena problem and I don’t think he likes her.

Ok I’m done. Time for pictures.

Misery Business 

 

Trouble.

April 23^rd, 2013

            Oh boys, boys, boys…

Here is a new story:

             A friend of mine has started a bad cycle. Last semester this boy told me he had a crush on me. Long story short I didn’t feel the same way so I told him bluntly but gently. Ever since then things have been messy. I haven’t quite realized how far it’s gotten till now.

            Normal stuff happened first. He always wanted to now what I was doing and was always inviting me places. I’ve never really considered him to be super close so I’d usually reject the invites. Then he would start always having to know where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m with. If he couldn’t get the answers from me he would go to my friends and ask them. I let it go. Then he started to get angry over little things. I let that go too. Then in January he blows up on me out of nowhere. I had gone to another guy friend’s house and he was extremely mad. He said that since I knew he wasn’t invited that I shouldn’t have gone. He said it was all my fault he wasn’t invited. He said a lot of things that made me feel really bad. I didn’t know what to say. So I let it go. The next day he apologizes and says how he won’t do it again.

            A month later he blows up on me again, apologies, I forgive and forget. His anger starts to become more and more often and he starts to become more aggressive towards other people. He ended up hitting a friend of mine, but I’m not sure who started it. Last month he blew up on me again. He was angry for two words I said. People were telling a story about how he showed up at my house at 10pm on a Sunday and they said he thought I would like it. When someone asked me if I did I said “not exactly” in a joking matter. He texted me the whole night in anger over my comment. He apologies, I let it go. He asks me to come over, I decline… He shows up at my house…

            This week he has blown up on my again. This time he is angry because I haven’t liked any of his recent instagram photos. He says some nasty things and says how I think I never do anything wrong to him. He keeps asking me all these questions angrily and then says he’s not angry. He makes me feel like crap. I’m starting to believe it is all my fault. I’ve talked to some people at my school and they are helping me handle the situation, but I still feel guilty. I know I get angry at little things, and I haven’t been what he has expected of me and I feel bad. Not only have I not been what he wanted but now I’m completely shutting him off. I’m not sure I have any other choice though because I can’t keep going through this cycle.

I don’t know. Any thoughts?

6 Months

April 18^th, 2013

As I look back through old posts I realize how fast senior year has gone. So much happens everyday it’s hard to imagine that it’s going this fast. Tomorrow is my six month of not giving into my “pet” sins. Softball just ended this week and my moments of being #6, Sub, Outfielder, are now just memories. Next week is my senior trip. Before I know it, it will be over. Then all focus will be on our show of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis. Then the show will be over. Then all there is to look forward to is graduation. Before I can even breathe, eight years of being at one school will be apart of my past. It’s a lot to take in.

God has been constantly teaching me. I have a lot going on like chapel, drama, and band rehearsals. Trying to get good grades and the general student-like stuff, but that’s not all. I also have these life things I’m focusing on like reaching out to other people, keeping up a personal time with the Lord, and making sure my mindset is in the right place. God has been constantly humbling me and I am very grateful. I’m glad (despite my injury) that I got to do softball. It was something I had never done and it kept me humble. I had no idea what I was doing and everyone was better than me. There wasn’t any room for pride. All I could do was try to listen to my teammates and coach. I tried my best, but I know I wasn’t created very athletic. It’s alright though. At first I was really frustrated because I just wanted to be good at it, but that’s not what God made me for. Since I wasn’t much help to my team I decided to focus my energy on talking to my teammates. I tried my best to be encouraging and cheer on my team.

I’ve also been trying my best to reach out to as many people as I can. I’ve created a lot of new friends and overall I don’t have any problems with anyone. If anyone has a problem with me, they haven’t told me. I’m trying to live the way God says to in His word. However, if I try this on my own effort I know it’s impossible. Every time I start relying on myself everything falls apart. It’s amazing how my human sinful heart has the ability to destroy almost everything and everyone in my life in under one day. I need to be careful with this heart of mine. As long as I remember my God, I will be fine.

God has given me a new love for people I have never had before. I really truly care about people differently than I ever have. Even if I don’t know you very well, God’s love overtakes me. I don’t always show it, but I do care. I also have developed some strange sort of love for little kids. I use to never really feel all mushy over little children… maybe my maternal instincts are finally kicking in ;) .

I’ve also been looking through so many career options and there are so many things I want to do. Although, the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do (and have done) consistently is composing, singing, film, and acting. I love it so much and have had the desire since I was seven. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of it. The only time I ever really gave up on it was when I was depressed and well that was just no fun. God is good though and brought me out of that. I’ve realized I’m almost ready to be done with high school. God is gracious and really does prepare your heart and mind to move on. I’m almost ready, not quite fully there yet. Soon I will be and everything is going to change.

4/4/13-Another Milestone

 Everybody Talks

Today....
Today I spoke in-front of the entire high school. I told everyone what I've been struggling with for years now. I gave my testimony on what God has been doing in my life. Now that everyone knows I feel free to be able to truly write about it on here. However, even though I've dealt with these things.. and they did have a big impact on my life... It's not all of who I am. I am a child of God.

I think I might just post my testimony on here soon.
For right now I'm just gonna talk about how the rest of the school day went.
Right after sharing my testimony (for the first time EVA) I got to talk to a girl from school and she said my testimony really impacted her and all I can think is PRAISE GOD.
Then I got to talk to another friend of mine who really needed to hear God's words this morning and He said He is gonna change because of what God has done in my life.. and many other kids I've talked to. I hope and PRAY that this is only the beginning of God using me to impact people.

Today after sharing my testimony I got 1 of 4 responses:
1) People who don't care.
2) I got a lot of hugs and "I love you"s.
3) People who weren't expecting it but scared to come up to me so they just stare at me in the hall.
4) People wanting to talk to me about it and asking a lot of questions.

I am so incredibly thankful for the majority of the response I got. People have been so supportive and wonderfully kind. I wasn't expecting that at all. SO THANK YOU!

God has brought me so far and I am so thankful that I got to see all this and see how God has changed my life and my heart.

God has done so much in so many people's stories.
Everybody's got a story, and with God mine will end just fine:)

Happily Ever After