Christmas Eve 2012!

Figured I'd post some christmas photos while I'm listening to some new music.

"You could beat the world. You could beat the war. You could move a mountain. Find yourself standing in the hall of fame. The world's gonna know your name. You can go the distance. Run straight through hell with a smile. Do it for your people. Never gonna know if you don't try. Do it for your country do it for your name cause there's gonna be a day where your standing in the hall of fame. The world's gonna know your name. You burn with the brightest flame."

"Don't you know i'm not your ghost anymore, you lost the love I loved the most. I learned to live half alive. Who do you think you are? Running round leaving scars. Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart."

"Make me lose my mind."

 

 

 

"All I get from you is double double talk talk. Every single day day. Every word you say say." -Double Talk, Emily Osment

"What's it like for you, on your own, what do you do? Do you like to chit chat to yourself?"-Chit chat

Dec. 22, 2012- Headaches

So this morning at the beautiful hour of 7am I woke up with a severe head ache.It felt like ears were gonna start bleeding and my hand starting hurting then my back, inside my ribs, and then to my foot. It was so weird.

Drift- Love this song

I also love this song "Chit chat". It's catchy. There are so many good songs out there that need to be on 93.3 but yet... every song on 93.3flz sounds like the same old computerized stuff. I'm going to be recorded in January :) I'm hoping to try to sell it on Itunes. Email me if anyone out there is interested and would buy something I record. I you don't know what I sound like just go to www.youtube.com/Rebecadonovan1

So today i'm just laying in bed on ibuprofen cause my head is killing me. Tonight I'm going to an elf party. Hopefully my head will stop by then. It's kinda nice to just lay around.

I think I'll post some more photos. 

Today I Am Alone

My head hurts...

My eyes feel dry. I think I cried in my sleep last night from the way I woke up. Must've had a bad dream...

I'm not sure why but I don't feel safe. It's like I feel fine but I don't. I'm exhausted but I have had plenty of sleep and everything feels different. I'm not sure what's going on with me. My head has been hurting. I've had weird vision problems. My behavior hasn't been me.

Today I decided to ignore the world.. even though I know i've been struggling. It felt good. I'm sorry to the friends I ignored though. I wasn't meaning to be mean to you. I guess I just needed to be alone. I got a lot of thinking done but didn't really come to any conclusions.

Ok. Let me get the facts out.
Facts: I'm struggling with food again. I've been eating but the past two days I haven't had too much real food. I did my devotions for the first time in a week today. Which was good but I still feel this numb feeling. i'm broken hearted again over the fact that I continuously make my friends upset and annoyed with me... but at the same time i'm tired of pleasing them. I don't really care. I just kinda wanna do whatever I want to and not care... i don't know. My head really hurts right now. These random headaches lately have been killing me but I'm restraining from telling my mom every time cause I show symptoms of not good stuff but we don't have the money to take care of that so I hate worrying her. 

I'm excited for Christmas :)

I've told friends how I feel like i'm a mess.. and I know there's not much they can do. I kinda wish someone was here to at least just be a company.. but at the same time im ok alone. But am I? I don't trust my instincts today. It just doesn't feel safe.

Being numb right now is a blessing.

I really love the song "Drift" by Emily Osment right now. It's so simple but good. How can I sleep so much yet still be so tired? I've done nothing today. Haha... HAHA... "faded into hazy... and sinking strong." -Drift

Look it up. Drrrifftt away.

Dec. 1st-2012

Heading to surprise party tonight. Figured i'd post some photos I like..

Thanksgiving- 2012

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Tonight heading to Sabbina's for dinner. About 15 people will be there. Other than Sabbina's family and my family I won't really be close to anyone there. Which is interesting considering I've never really gone anywhere for thanksgiving other than with family. I'm super excited though. I hope it will be amazing. 

The one thing I'm sad about it I missed the parade! Which makes me sad because I LOVE the parade!

Short update on life:

 I've been talking to Bill again. He's been texting me and of course pyschologically analyzing my every move.  He told me his theories. He was wrong ;)

Lately I feel like i've been getting back to me. I've been making a lot of videos on my channel www.youtube.com/RebecaDonovan1

I'm not so dependant on friends anymore. Now I still have hard days.. but i'm getting better. Instead of constantly needing someone with me i'm learning to be ok alone--- and not destructive :)

Ya know what hard? Trying to make yourself "thankful".  I mean lets be honest we all say "I'm thankful for my family" but when you are with them everyday its hard to feel that thankfulness. Last night I watched the movie "Click" and it definitely makes you think about time..

Here's what I'm gonna do. I'll make a list of things I'm TRULY thankful for and maybe it will put me in the right mindset...

I am thankful for...

1) My new dress I'm wearing 

2) My ability to write/type out my thoughts

3) Music

4) My cell phone

5) My piano

6) Guitar

7) My mom- who gave up her dreams to raise me and make me her entire world... who watches as I leave her world and create my own.

8) My father- who has stayed around. Who works everyday so my family can eat. Who is secretly super sentimental ;)

9) My beautiful older sister- I love our conversations and being able to just drive out in the middle of the night if we need to with her or to be total nerds together :)

10) My best friend since 5th grade Hannah-  A lot has happened between us.. I've done a lot of crap to her... and she deserves better than that.  She's stayed around. I miss being able to just be with her all the time...and things have changed. Things will never be the same.. I don't regret it though. I'm thankful for all the times we had and hope we have more good times. Just different :)

11) Hope Marinello- Decided to walk into my life out of NOWHERE during a (what she didn't know) difficult time for me. Didn't aactually tell her the truth until three years later. Yet she still loves me for me.

12) Sabbina Ron- Came into my life a little over a year ago. Did more in my life then she could ever understand. She made the movie "To Save A Life" true. In some ways and not in others. You had a huge part in changing my life. More I could say.. but I can't :)

13) Caitlyn, Vanessa, Bill, Julie, Ciara, Kalyx, Chris, Will D, Will B, Levene, Spencer King,  Renee, Isaiah, Alex P, Kristin Grenelle, everyone at lakeside- You all have had an impact in my life in making me who I am.. and though who I am isn't very great.. you've had a positive influence so thank you. For encouraging me. For giving me a push forward.

14) Stephanie Bruns- You've listened to all my nastiness and you know my heart. You help me so much. You have no idea. You more about me then anybody I know and I know I can trust you with everything I tell you. It's nice to have a teacher to run to in the middle of the day and someone who I can tell absolutely anything and who an correct me when i'm wrong and comfort me when I'm hurt.  You make me want to encourage people. You make me want to be different. You make me love God more. Thank you.

15) To all the people who ever rejected me at an acting/singing audition: Thank you. You made me stronger. 

16) Delicious food :)

17) My laptop

18)  Movies- Glorious movies :) 

19) Coverse, vests, skinny jeans, and all things fashion that is an art all in itself.

20) Our troops- happy thanksgiving and thank you.

21) America- I'm proud to be an American

22) For everything that's happened this year- God has shown me my heart.. humbled me.. and brought me to Him

23) My pastor Danny Hodges- I'll always love him

24)  Sabbina's family- who brought me and made me a daughter. Thank you for all the food, showers, clothes, vacations, rides, beds, events, adventures, hostage takeovers, and love you let me be apart of. 

25) God- Words cannot even describe what YOU have done for me.. I could write a book of all that you've done.. but you uh... kinda beat me to it. Thank you for your word. Thank you for everything. I don't deserve You. You shouldn't even look at me.. Yet you did. Saw my sin. Forgave it. Then you gave me a perfect record and said I was now apart of your kingdom. Holy moly... Indescribable. 

Nov. 12-Watching

Hold On

So I seem to keep getting reminded of this one lesson over and over again. Today, my best friend oh-so-kindly reminded me again. As much as her words stung... I appreciate it.

Today Sabbina came into the school bathroom and said to me that I need to be more careful. When something is bothering me, i'm upset, etc. I can't just lose my grip on everything. I'm super ashamed to even be typing this right now. Like it feels like any bit of pride I could possibly have is gone. Very humbling.

People are watching. I don't care who you are. Someone younger than you (possibly even older) is being lead by your example. I haven't been a good one. Living so selfishly in my own world so concerned with how certain people see me I can't even see those younger than me who think the world of me and I'm letting them down.

I'm ashamed. I begged God for forgiveness and I can only hope that those around me can forgive me... but I know that once a reputation is hurt.. It's hurt for good... and I regret it.

When I was 10 years old.. There was this one highschooler who did one nice thing for me.. and It meant EVERYTHING to me. Then she lost herself, and did some bad things. I remember being so disapointed.

I swore I'd never do that.

Thank you Sabbina, but I'm really disappointed in myself. This isn't me. Where did I lose myself?

November 5th- Darkness

I don't even know where to begin with the past couple months. So much happens in just one week that I can't possibly talk about it. That would be boring.

Well quick update: Our Coffee House at my school is coming up on November 15th, and 17th. I made homecoming queen :)

I got my SAT scores back and I'm able to get bright futures scholarship which means I will be able to go to college. I just recently watched paranormal activity 4 and it was amazing. I had a photoshoot yesterday and am having another one soon. I'll post those photos later. So pretty much I could explain all these good things that have been happening and go on with the same old that even people who don't know me know about me.

Here's whats been going on behind the scenes: I've really been struggling this week.

ESCAPE

I messed up on Friday.. and it seems everything today triggers me. I know God is probably just testing me so I can better endure... but it's not fun. Ha . It seems when I let my mind start to dwell I instantly go to dangerous extremes..

I think one of the biggest things for me right now is the fact that I feel really alone at school. Sabbina I can see is really trying to help. I so appreciate it. I should really stop listening to escape the fate... not necessarily spiritually uplifting.

It's amazing how music can persuade you to make bad decisions. 

There's this one song by escape the fate called "Lost in Darkness". Horrible song but I find myself listening to it sometimes. It's good musically but the meaning and lyrics are not good for the mind. Here's a picture someone drew of the lyrics:

 <BAD- I do not recommend listening to this song>

"She cries for help with a gun to her cheek, but no one comes nobody listens. Her blood runs red all through the street."

The rest of the song goes "Crying out in pain but no one knows how to find you. Your lost in darkness"....
If I weren't a believer of the Almighty God this would still be true for me... but it's not.. so why am I going back to the way I use to live? Scripture says that so many times. Our sinful nature inclines towards our own personal sin.

God has called me to be set apart.

We are no longer lost in darkness.... but a light in the darkness.

I'm telling this to myself.. because my natural tendency and where my mind wants to go today is back to darkness.