Thanksgiving- 2012

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Tonight heading to Sabbina's for dinner. About 15 people will be there. Other than Sabbina's family and my family I won't really be close to anyone there. Which is interesting considering I've never really gone anywhere for thanksgiving other than with family. I'm super excited though. I hope it will be amazing. 

The one thing I'm sad about it I missed the parade! Which makes me sad because I LOVE the parade!

Short update on life:

 I've been talking to Bill again. He's been texting me and of course pyschologically analyzing my every move.  He told me his theories. He was wrong ;)

Lately I feel like i've been getting back to me. I've been making a lot of videos on my channel www.youtube.com/RebecaDonovan1

I'm not so dependant on friends anymore. Now I still have hard days.. but i'm getting better. Instead of constantly needing someone with me i'm learning to be ok alone--- and not destructive :)

Ya know what hard? Trying to make yourself "thankful".  I mean lets be honest we all say "I'm thankful for my family" but when you are with them everyday its hard to feel that thankfulness. Last night I watched the movie "Click" and it definitely makes you think about time..

Here's what I'm gonna do. I'll make a list of things I'm TRULY thankful for and maybe it will put me in the right mindset...

I am thankful for...

1) My new dress I'm wearing 

2) My ability to write/type out my thoughts

3) Music

4) My cell phone

5) My piano

6) Guitar

7) My mom- who gave up her dreams to raise me and make me her entire world... who watches as I leave her world and create my own.

8) My father- who has stayed around. Who works everyday so my family can eat. Who is secretly super sentimental ;)

9) My beautiful older sister- I love our conversations and being able to just drive out in the middle of the night if we need to with her or to be total nerds together :)

10) My best friend since 5th grade Hannah-  A lot has happened between us.. I've done a lot of crap to her... and she deserves better than that.  She's stayed around. I miss being able to just be with her all the time...and things have changed. Things will never be the same.. I don't regret it though. I'm thankful for all the times we had and hope we have more good times. Just different :)

11) Hope Marinello- Decided to walk into my life out of NOWHERE during a (what she didn't know) difficult time for me. Didn't aactually tell her the truth until three years later. Yet she still loves me for me.

12) Sabbina Ron- Came into my life a little over a year ago. Did more in my life then she could ever understand. She made the movie "To Save A Life" true. In some ways and not in others. You had a huge part in changing my life. More I could say.. but I can't :)

13) Caitlyn, Vanessa, Bill, Julie, Ciara, Kalyx, Chris, Will D, Will B, Levene, Spencer King,  Renee, Isaiah, Alex P, Kristin Grenelle, everyone at lakeside- You all have had an impact in my life in making me who I am.. and though who I am isn't very great.. you've had a positive influence so thank you. For encouraging me. For giving me a push forward.

14) Stephanie Bruns- You've listened to all my nastiness and you know my heart. You help me so much. You have no idea. You more about me then anybody I know and I know I can trust you with everything I tell you. It's nice to have a teacher to run to in the middle of the day and someone who I can tell absolutely anything and who an correct me when i'm wrong and comfort me when I'm hurt.  You make me want to encourage people. You make me want to be different. You make me love God more. Thank you.

15) To all the people who ever rejected me at an acting/singing audition: Thank you. You made me stronger. 

16) Delicious food :)

17) My laptop

18)  Movies- Glorious movies :) 

19) Coverse, vests, skinny jeans, and all things fashion that is an art all in itself.

20) Our troops- happy thanksgiving and thank you.

21) America- I'm proud to be an American

22) For everything that's happened this year- God has shown me my heart.. humbled me.. and brought me to Him

23) My pastor Danny Hodges- I'll always love him

24)  Sabbina's family- who brought me and made me a daughter. Thank you for all the food, showers, clothes, vacations, rides, beds, events, adventures, hostage takeovers, and love you let me be apart of. 

25) God- Words cannot even describe what YOU have done for me.. I could write a book of all that you've done.. but you uh... kinda beat me to it. Thank you for your word. Thank you for everything. I don't deserve You. You shouldn't even look at me.. Yet you did. Saw my sin. Forgave it. Then you gave me a perfect record and said I was now apart of your kingdom. Holy moly... Indescribable. 

Nov. 12-Watching

Hold On

So I seem to keep getting reminded of this one lesson over and over again. Today, my best friend oh-so-kindly reminded me again. As much as her words stung... I appreciate it.

Today Sabbina came into the school bathroom and said to me that I need to be more careful. When something is bothering me, i'm upset, etc. I can't just lose my grip on everything. I'm super ashamed to even be typing this right now. Like it feels like any bit of pride I could possibly have is gone. Very humbling.

People are watching. I don't care who you are. Someone younger than you (possibly even older) is being lead by your example. I haven't been a good one. Living so selfishly in my own world so concerned with how certain people see me I can't even see those younger than me who think the world of me and I'm letting them down.

I'm ashamed. I begged God for forgiveness and I can only hope that those around me can forgive me... but I know that once a reputation is hurt.. It's hurt for good... and I regret it.

When I was 10 years old.. There was this one highschooler who did one nice thing for me.. and It meant EVERYTHING to me. Then she lost herself, and did some bad things. I remember being so disapointed.

I swore I'd never do that.

Thank you Sabbina, but I'm really disappointed in myself. This isn't me. Where did I lose myself?

November 5th- Darkness

I don't even know where to begin with the past couple months. So much happens in just one week that I can't possibly talk about it. That would be boring.

Well quick update: Our Coffee House at my school is coming up on November 15th, and 17th. I made homecoming queen :)

I got my SAT scores back and I'm able to get bright futures scholarship which means I will be able to go to college. I just recently watched paranormal activity 4 and it was amazing. I had a photoshoot yesterday and am having another one soon. I'll post those photos later. So pretty much I could explain all these good things that have been happening and go on with the same old that even people who don't know me know about me.

Here's whats been going on behind the scenes: I've really been struggling this week.

ESCAPE

I messed up on Friday.. and it seems everything today triggers me. I know God is probably just testing me so I can better endure... but it's not fun. Ha . It seems when I let my mind start to dwell I instantly go to dangerous extremes..

I think one of the biggest things for me right now is the fact that I feel really alone at school. Sabbina I can see is really trying to help. I so appreciate it. I should really stop listening to escape the fate... not necessarily spiritually uplifting.

It's amazing how music can persuade you to make bad decisions. 

There's this one song by escape the fate called "Lost in Darkness". Horrible song but I find myself listening to it sometimes. It's good musically but the meaning and lyrics are not good for the mind. Here's a picture someone drew of the lyrics:

 <BAD- I do not recommend listening to this song>

"She cries for help with a gun to her cheek, but no one comes nobody listens. Her blood runs red all through the street."

The rest of the song goes "Crying out in pain but no one knows how to find you. Your lost in darkness"....
If I weren't a believer of the Almighty God this would still be true for me... but it's not.. so why am I going back to the way I use to live? Scripture says that so many times. Our sinful nature inclines towards our own personal sin.

God has called me to be set apart.

We are no longer lost in darkness.... but a light in the darkness.

I'm telling this to myself.. because my natural tendency and where my mind wants to go today is back to darkness.

Sep.10- Photos

September 9th, 2012- Hello :)

3:56pm:

Hello 

^In case you didn't know. Click it to listen to the song^

Hello, My name is Rebeca. I've been writing for a little while on here.... A lot of complaining... ranting.... dreaming... etc. I figured I'd write a little bit about myself. Now this blog is where I kinda get to rant.. so you only get to read the negative things.. the things that have changed me. The things that people think I am, and things that aren't who I am. So. This is just a little bit about me and what's been happening recently.

I always say my mistakes and who I was is NOT who I am... however. I never explained who I am. 

So. I'm Rebeca, Beca, Cece, Sherlock, Bex, Abecabook, Hey You, Short one, shorty, etc. 

I am 17 years old. 

My birthday is March 2nd.

I am a student actress/singer.

I've been going to small christian private school for 8 years.

I've been saved by the grace of GOD from my sin. (My testimony is too long to type it all out now)

I've been in drama class since I was 11 years old.

I've been singing in the chapel at my school since I was 14.

My closest friends are Hope, Hannah, and Sabbina.

My family is awesome.

I get typical good grades.

I get crazy hyper sometimes and shout random things.

When I asked for gum I always ask people for "mug" cause I say a lot of things backwards for fun. (not dyslexic)

^^^^^^^^^^

These are all the obvious things that people at school no about me.

 If you were to subtract the sin, struggles, and trials this is me:

-I love things like eating cold pepperoni, peanut butter on a spoon, swedish fish, anything dipped in olive oil, while drinking sprite and using a twizzler as a straw. (My typical junk food night)

-I love it when places have signs where one or two letters aren't shining. Like when Mcdonalds becomes "Monas" :D

-No one thinks I can get a tan because i'm so white.... but I CAN ;)

-I've grown two inches in the past 3 years and feel extremely successful for making it to 5' 2".

-I've always loved Disney music :) No matter what anyone says.

-I love sort-of-screamo bands like RED.

-When I'm home alone I turn on music as loud as it goes and whip my hair back and forth and swing my arms around while spinning in a circle. 

-I'd do anything for my friends. If you call me... and want me.. even just a little... I will drive to wherever you are. I make cards, paint pictures when they are sad. I write notes. I will spend hours looking through music i've never heard to find a song that relates to a friend of mine just so I can send it to them (I've never told anyone that).

-Though I seem dependent on my friends.. I'm actually really independent. I do what I want and get what I need done.... however... if you start to notice that I seem dependent on you.. That should show you how much you mean to me... You make me vulnerable. 

-I hate dancing in front of my parents. 

- Most of the time at school I force myself to be hyper and crazy so that way the day is a little more interesting and I don't seem like a downer to my friends.

- Sometimes I'm actually really happy and hyper and it's completely genuine.

- I really don't care what you think of me. 

- I care about what I think about me.

- I want to sing and act forever.

- I love God.

- I love the Bible

- I'm super white, short, and awkward but I will rap to Bon Qui Qui if you challenge me. 

- I love to memorize raps and dance moves.

- I go to Zumba every week and its my place to punch the air and spin around and not feel stupid.

- I love people too much.

- I once made a dress completely out of staples and capri suns.

- I love to build things.

- I love to write songs about whatever is going on in my head.

- Everything I say has a purpose even if it's in giberish. It means i'm just too scared to actually tell you.

- I've been in counseling for awhile now.

- I love spiderman,, xmen, CLARK KENT, and all super heroes.

- When I was little I made my own super hero constume and decided I was going to be a real super hero gymnast. 

- I never became a gymnast.

- I was a cheerleader for 3 years.....

- Every pet i've ever had has died.

- I've seen a lot of people die infront of me.

- When people are mean to other people it makes me cry.

- You mess with one of my friends I will write a song about you and scar you for life by singing it infront of the school.

-  I relate everything to music.

- Demi Lovato= a lot of music inspiration

- Love Carrie Underwood

- AVENGERS :)

- I wear boots and winter clothes in the summer.

- I love vests with light tshirts.

- It's ALWAYS just  been me, myself, and I till this year. 

- Whenever I look out a car window I picture this little creature I created in my head flying at the same speed as the car... and it makes me laugh... and my friends are use to me laughing randomly in the car for no reason.. They just don't know why.

- My best friend (my dog) died almost three years ago. I've never told anyone exactly what she was there for and what sides of me she saw... but I want to... but I don't think I will... When I think about her I still feel pain. I watched her die slowly in an extremely painful way and I held her through it. 

- All of my former best friends have explained their reasoning for leaving me. ( I appreciate that)

- I have never left a best friend.

-  I wasn't allowed to be a singer or actress when I was little but my parents have changed their views.

- I LOVE Screaming!

- When someone says a crude joke I will say "What?" even if I DO understand it. I don't care if you think i'm a goody-goody.

- I'm a goody-goody (Innocent! JK)

- There's a lot more to me. 

- I believe there is ALWAYS more to a person if you think you know everything about them.

And in conclusion: 

- Over the past year.. I have lost who I truly am. I'm bringing it back today.

 

September 1- The Driveway

1:12pm: 

 The Driveway

For some reason I keep coming back to this same place of mind. I'm starting to wonder if it's really wrong or if it's just a sign that I really need to give it up.

My best friend and my other best friend. Two of the closest people to me. They are incredible. Amazing. I love them so much there's not a doubt in my mind that if they called me I'd do anything physically possible to help them. I know they love me too. We've all had amazing moments together. They both have changed my life.

Earlier this year I let the 1st down. I wasn't there for her... I was stuck in my old world and she got left behind. I will always regret that. After 7 years of her being amazing to me and ALWAYS being there for me. I failed her.

Then the other one I became really close to early this year. She showed me so much love in such a way that I had never known. She completely opened my eyes to a new world and helped me in ways she'll never understand.

Well..... I introduced them to each other. At first I thought it was nice having them both know each other.. but there was always this horrible fear inside of what would happen next. As time passed... my worst (selfish) fear came true.

They both realized how amazing each other are. Now they are making pictures for each other, dedicating songs, sending never ending smiley faces and love to each other. They both use to do that with me....

I know they care... and they are trying. They make attempts to see how i'm doing and show love, but it's so forced now. They have each other. They may say that they need me but they really don't. That's easy to see.

Ever since I was little I was in love with the idea of having a best friend. I love the idea of sleepover's all the time. Wanting to be with someone all the time. Sitting by them, standing by them any chance you get. Talking to them forever. Making everyone else know that we are best friends with inside jokes and best friend bracelets and all that. Sending cute messages and songs. Having deep conversations until the sun comes up. Having no distractions but just having me and my best friend talking with no cellphones, internet, or television. Eating junk food but not caring about weight or health for a night. Running around in the rain with them and laughing.
These are the things that mean the most to me.

How far we've come

I don't know what's right or wrong.. I've just always loved these things... and I'm not sure exactly what I did to each of them to push them away, but now it's all forced. There's no passion behind there words. I'm selfish I know. I want a best friend who loves me. Maybe my brain just doesn't work the same way theirs does. I have not lost one single bit of intensity towards my love towards them. I would do anything for them. Just call me. I'll be there.

Maybe this is God's way of saying it's better if I'm not close to them. Maybe I need to have it just be me and God... but I prayed.. I prayed to God that I could have just a best friend to do all those things with... and with each of them I have done those things... maybe God is saying that my time is up with them and I need to let them go. That just brings so much pain because it feels like letting them go would be like going to their funeral. Imagine going to your best friend's funeral. I can't bear the thought of letting them go... and maybe that's why I should...

I know I'll love them both forever.. because even if I have to let them go it can't stop this love I have for them. I don't know what to do. I can't make anyone love me. You just can't.

I love you guys with the same passion as the day I first met you.. Actually it only grows more everyday.

August 30th- Not about me

8:22pm: 

One thing I need to clarify before I continue. My life... is not about me. Though sometimes I get the perspective that it is... It really isn't. It's about God. 

Another thing I need to say. For all those who know me. I am sorry. Deeply sorry. I am sorry for my attitude recently and for snapping at you. I'm sorry for getting offended over stupid little things and thinking so much about myself. I AM SORRY!

Now.. I probably should update what happened with my family. They took the news well. My dad asked a lot of questions and my mom asked some too. My sister just sat there and asked questions later when we were alone. It's kinda weird now.. but I'm getting use to it. I don't tell them when I'm struggling cause that's too uncomfortable for me.

Every single day.. is a huge struggle. Everyday I make specific choices and have to choose to do the right thing. It's not about me though. It's about God.