Changing Thoughts

I've fallen into a horrible mindset.
I've fallen back into myself.
Where I must be doing something to be a "good christian".
And if I'm sad, then I'm doing something wrong and need to fix it.
Where school and work are burdens that cause me anxiety as responsibility approaches.
And confusion, anger, and frustration is in control.
As I strive for control over these things and try to appear happy, beautiful, and like someone who has it all together, I feel so lost inside.
I forget grace. And the fact that even if I am sad and fail to be thankful, that God's grace is still sufficient for today.
I forget that God blessed me with my job and that I'm there with a purpose. That it shouldn't matter where or what I'm doing because I have God right with me.

I think because this semester has been so lonely it's been easier for me to be depressed. Not so much depressed over being lonely anymore as it is just random sadness for no apparent reason. When I had friends that I saw daily I was distracted by my natural sadness and had rest from this way that I am. Now that I am just by myself it's so much harder to distract these thoughts. So I have to rely on God. I have to rely on the fact that I can't trust myself.

I can't trust how I feel.

But I also need to understand that being sad isn't wrong. I need to admit that I struggle with depression, but that it doesn't control me, because I know that what God says is true despite what my head tells me.

I felt like I had run out of forgiveness. And I needed to do something destructive to make it right.

But that's not the answer. Because as soon as I do something destructive I will feel guilty and that will just re-start the cycle of guilt and destruction.

When I sin.. instead of living in anger and guilt the whole week I just need to pray and accept what God has offered me.

I'm leaving for work soon. Work is hard. Sometimes it seems impossible to make it through the day, but God has me here for a purpose and I'm never alone even if I feel it. He is always with me. I find it's so important to have His word in my heart because I don't get hardly any chance to read scripture during work. So if I have it memorized then I can just pull it out of my head.

"Hello my name is child of the on True King,
I've been saved, changed, I have been redeemed."

On a good note: I've finished all my 2013 goals I had set before on here. Now time to figure out 2014 goals. I think one is that i'd like to become a Youtube Partner.

Heart Sick

Forgiveness

Why is that.. my evil sinful heart can be forgiven by the One who.. has never sinned?

Yet, I can hold a grudge against someone who hurts me just a little compared to how I hurt God. 

My best friend, will always be my best friend. Even if she doesn't want to be. I will make the same promise I did to her as I did to Ciara, Julie, Kalyx, Hannah, Hope, etc. 

You will always be my best friend.

Even if you don't want to be.

I will always love you the same.

No matter what you do,

I will always remember you like this.

Beautiful, kind, amazing, worth the pain. 

One day when we are older,

if you are angry or you simply forgot me,

or if time simply takes us apart,

 I'll still be here if you ever want to come back.

Once you are my best friend,

You are in for life. 

"Oh Father wont you forgive them,

They don't know what they've been doing.

Father, give me grace to forgive them,

Cause I feel like the one losing." 

I don't know why but my heart feels like it's going through mourning of a death. Like they are gone.. and aren't ever coming back. I think that may be because i know it will never be the same. So I keep thinking about our amazing memories of staying up late and just talking. I'm trying to delete the bad ones and remember the good ones with acceptance of moving on. Sometimes I just want to be sad about it though. I just want to cry. Why is wrong it to be sad? Everyone expects me to just go to work, school, and keep moving forward and forget it all. I can't just forget. 

I will always love you though.

Whatever I Want

I'm writing a book.
I spent a month on the outline for all 15 chapters. Now I'm at the end of writing chapter 2. I'm not really much of a writer. I've come to the conclusion I'm always so stinkin confuzzled- but i'm always learning. So this is my norm.

I think the world's creating villians without heroes.

We all know about super-heroes. It's something I think we all kinda dream about. People out there using their abilities to save lives in the night and stop villains.

Unfortunately, it seems by creating the fantasy of super-heroes we have created real-life villains.

By creating this guy:

We also created this guy:

James Holmes AKA Batman Shooter

And now it seems a new terror has made it's way to New York.

So what do we do when it seems the world is just full of madness? Well turns out there is a slight bit of hope. 

 

Not this guy... Keep going..

 

Mathew Argintar is on of the few men who go around actually trying to help people- though I find it weird they stick to the traditional costuming and such.. It's still a nice thought- however recently arrested for being dressed the way he is- He says his mission is to give hope and try to show that there are people willing to do good.

Something Wrong

I'm not talking to anyone right now.
I don't know why but it just feels right to be by myself a little bit.
Correction.. it doesn't feel right something actually feels wrong. It all feels wrong. I talk to people if I see them but I'm not texting anyone. Which is good, i think. It's always good to take a break from texting. It all just feels wrong though. I feel like my every thought is wrong. I'm trying to remind myself of the Lord, but I'm all over the place right now. So it's better to not talk to people and say something I'll regret.

Whatever this is I know that it will pass and everything will be fine.
So in the mean time I don't want to bother anybody.

Ugh... I hear my own words and I know its all WRONG...
I know what I should do.. I think...
I know my brain is fuzzy and I know thats because Satan is packing my brain with crap... and i'm letting him.
It's a weird feeling. A lost identity.
You can't serve two masters.
I love certain things. I love certain stories. However, they put my brain in a fuzzy place. I don't want to give them up though.

I can't really exactly pin point what's wrong with me right now. It's not clear.
I just know it's wrong.
Talking to people might actually help make it clear.
I don't know...

Pretend- August 2013

I feel lost. The result of a lost identity.

I don't like who I am without God.
I lose who I am and my purpose.
I am nothing. I lose hope and meaning. All I'm left with is regret, and guilt. Feels worthless.
I don't like it.
I just want to forget it all.
I want to desire life again.
I'm no good.
I'm just another girl in the crowd.
I don't have to be special.
I don't have to be good.
I don't have to be worth anything.
You, Lord, are everything.

Anxiety Attack

 May 5th, 2013

When you finally find a songs that sounds like you feel....


I know where I am right now isn't good. It's amazing how in just twenty-four hours I can spazz so much.
I'm freaking out.. inside.. and it paralyzes me.
I wish I could be like Iron Man and when I have anxiety be able to work with it and just become super productive.... for me.. I just freeze and lay in bed.

Every minute that goes by makes me freak out more..
One more minute closer to going to school tomorrow. To having long rehearsals this week and lots of tests to finish. Then after that prom is the next week. Gotta figure out all the details and then it will be over.. Than I will graduate. Gotta figure out college. I don't wanna.

I just wanna freeze. I want time to stop. I can't say goodbye yet. It feels like my friends are already leaving me.. and all this.. All these little things I'm trying my hardest to not think about.

Haven't been able to eat today. 

I'm going on lockdown. No texting. No facebook. No distractions. Just me. Tonight.

May 3rd

"You don't know how I'm doing,
because you never really ask,
You say you see right through me,
but that was just the past,
Now you're blinded by your own self,
Maybe I am too,
but once you're put on a shelf,
you see things you never knew."




Ps: Happy Birthday Hannah :)

April 28th- Senior Trip

April 28^th, 2013

            This weekend I went on my senior trip. It was absolutely amazing. I couldn’t have asked for a better trip. Grad Bash at Universal Studios was exciting and fun. I wasn’t really interested in the Pitbull concert going on. I’m not even quite sure who he is but a lot of people were freaking out for him. We stayed there until 2am. Didn’t get to sleep that night till 4am. The next day was spent at the pool and then went to Blue Man Group. They were awesome! I’m not sure how to describe it, you just have to go see them yourself. Then it was off the Longhorn for the biggest meal I’ve ever ordered. Overall was a great trip.

            A couple things were on my mind that had my mind spinning though. It didn’t ruin the experience they were just side things. This guy that I liked for a long time (it’s a long story) blah blah blah blah blah we are great friends now and he was on the trip. Well I can’t help the fact that I still think he is adorable and we are just really comfortable with each other. I can’t help but feel protective over him as my best friend.. Well this other girl on the trip was hanging over him the entire trip…Well.. except for the times were I had him.

She kept trying to pull him away and then he would bring up stories about him and I and she would just stare at me… AWKWARD. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to date him.. but she just seems like trouble and I don’t want to see that go up into flames. Or maybe I haven’t fully let him go. He’s gonna be with someone else eventually… I just need to accept that. I think. Confused! Alright I’m just gonna take a moment to write out everything in my head about this situation:

            This girl slightly bothers me generally because she’s really touchy and I like my personal space. I love my best friend (not romantically, people) and I don’t want to see him get hurt. I think I’ll always care for him because there’s something just different or special about him. He’s the closest guy friend I’ve ever had. After all we’ve been through he knows me. He knows how to calm me down when I’m about to have a panic attack. He knows what I think is funny and what subjects not to bring up. I also know all those things about him. We talk a lot alike and he is like a brother to me (even though I think he is adorable). This girl just kinda popping in and trying to join our friendship feels intrusive to me. It’s like we have this awesome friendship and all the sudden jumps in and thinks they can just take him from me. Maybe that’s what is bothering me. I know my sinful nature is butting into this as well. I WAY overthink this. This isn’t evena problem and I don’t think he likes her.

Ok I’m done. Time for pictures.

Misery Business 

 

Trouble.

April 23^rd, 2013

            Oh boys, boys, boys…

Here is a new story:

             A friend of mine has started a bad cycle. Last semester this boy told me he had a crush on me. Long story short I didn’t feel the same way so I told him bluntly but gently. Ever since then things have been messy. I haven’t quite realized how far it’s gotten till now.

            Normal stuff happened first. He always wanted to now what I was doing and was always inviting me places. I’ve never really considered him to be super close so I’d usually reject the invites. Then he would start always having to know where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m with. If he couldn’t get the answers from me he would go to my friends and ask them. I let it go. Then he started to get angry over little things. I let that go too. Then in January he blows up on me out of nowhere. I had gone to another guy friend’s house and he was extremely mad. He said that since I knew he wasn’t invited that I shouldn’t have gone. He said it was all my fault he wasn’t invited. He said a lot of things that made me feel really bad. I didn’t know what to say. So I let it go. The next day he apologizes and says how he won’t do it again.

            A month later he blows up on me again, apologies, I forgive and forget. His anger starts to become more and more often and he starts to become more aggressive towards other people. He ended up hitting a friend of mine, but I’m not sure who started it. Last month he blew up on me again. He was angry for two words I said. People were telling a story about how he showed up at my house at 10pm on a Sunday and they said he thought I would like it. When someone asked me if I did I said “not exactly” in a joking matter. He texted me the whole night in anger over my comment. He apologies, I let it go. He asks me to come over, I decline… He shows up at my house…

            This week he has blown up on my again. This time he is angry because I haven’t liked any of his recent instagram photos. He says some nasty things and says how I think I never do anything wrong to him. He keeps asking me all these questions angrily and then says he’s not angry. He makes me feel like crap. I’m starting to believe it is all my fault. I’ve talked to some people at my school and they are helping me handle the situation, but I still feel guilty. I know I get angry at little things, and I haven’t been what he has expected of me and I feel bad. Not only have I not been what he wanted but now I’m completely shutting him off. I’m not sure I have any other choice though because I can’t keep going through this cycle.

I don’t know. Any thoughts?

6 Months

April 18^th, 2013

As I look back through old posts I realize how fast senior year has gone. So much happens everyday it’s hard to imagine that it’s going this fast. Tomorrow is my six month of not giving into my “pet” sins. Softball just ended this week and my moments of being #6, Sub, Outfielder, are now just memories. Next week is my senior trip. Before I know it, it will be over. Then all focus will be on our show of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis. Then the show will be over. Then all there is to look forward to is graduation. Before I can even breathe, eight years of being at one school will be apart of my past. It’s a lot to take in.

God has been constantly teaching me. I have a lot going on like chapel, drama, and band rehearsals. Trying to get good grades and the general student-like stuff, but that’s not all. I also have these life things I’m focusing on like reaching out to other people, keeping up a personal time with the Lord, and making sure my mindset is in the right place. God has been constantly humbling me and I am very grateful. I’m glad (despite my injury) that I got to do softball. It was something I had never done and it kept me humble. I had no idea what I was doing and everyone was better than me. There wasn’t any room for pride. All I could do was try to listen to my teammates and coach. I tried my best, but I know I wasn’t created very athletic. It’s alright though. At first I was really frustrated because I just wanted to be good at it, but that’s not what God made me for. Since I wasn’t much help to my team I decided to focus my energy on talking to my teammates. I tried my best to be encouraging and cheer on my team.

I’ve also been trying my best to reach out to as many people as I can. I’ve created a lot of new friends and overall I don’t have any problems with anyone. If anyone has a problem with me, they haven’t told me. I’m trying to live the way God says to in His word. However, if I try this on my own effort I know it’s impossible. Every time I start relying on myself everything falls apart. It’s amazing how my human sinful heart has the ability to destroy almost everything and everyone in my life in under one day. I need to be careful with this heart of mine. As long as I remember my God, I will be fine.

God has given me a new love for people I have never had before. I really truly care about people differently than I ever have. Even if I don’t know you very well, God’s love overtakes me. I don’t always show it, but I do care. I also have developed some strange sort of love for little kids. I use to never really feel all mushy over little children… maybe my maternal instincts are finally kicking in ;) .

I’ve also been looking through so many career options and there are so many things I want to do. Although, the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do (and have done) consistently is composing, singing, film, and acting. I love it so much and have had the desire since I was seven. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of it. The only time I ever really gave up on it was when I was depressed and well that was just no fun. God is good though and brought me out of that. I’ve realized I’m almost ready to be done with high school. God is gracious and really does prepare your heart and mind to move on. I’m almost ready, not quite fully there yet. Soon I will be and everything is going to change.

4/4/13-Another Milestone

 Everybody Talks

Today....
Today I spoke in-front of the entire high school. I told everyone what I've been struggling with for years now. I gave my testimony on what God has been doing in my life. Now that everyone knows I feel free to be able to truly write about it on here. However, even though I've dealt with these things.. and they did have a big impact on my life... It's not all of who I am. I am a child of God.

I think I might just post my testimony on here soon.
For right now I'm just gonna talk about how the rest of the school day went.
Right after sharing my testimony (for the first time EVA) I got to talk to a girl from school and she said my testimony really impacted her and all I can think is PRAISE GOD.
Then I got to talk to another friend of mine who really needed to hear God's words this morning and He said He is gonna change because of what God has done in my life.. and many other kids I've talked to. I hope and PRAY that this is only the beginning of God using me to impact people.

Today after sharing my testimony I got 1 of 4 responses:
1) People who don't care.
2) I got a lot of hugs and "I love you"s.
3) People who weren't expecting it but scared to come up to me so they just stare at me in the hall.
4) People wanting to talk to me about it and asking a lot of questions.

I am so incredibly thankful for the majority of the response I got. People have been so supportive and wonderfully kind. I wasn't expecting that at all. SO THANK YOU!

God has brought me so far and I am so thankful that I got to see all this and see how God has changed my life and my heart.

God has done so much in so many people's stories.
Everybody's got a story, and with God mine will end just fine:)

Happily Ever After

March 28th '13

Hello future self/anyone reading this:

How's it goin?

So, lately I've realized, that as a christian, I struggle with avoiding temptation. I pretty much welcome it. Instead of running from it like I should be, I actually go looking for it. If you're a christian who struggles with this as well... Go read Psalm 101.. Right now... I read it last night and it convicted my heart a lot. I've been talking with my discipler about how I will purposefully go to certain instagram pages just because they post pictures of things I struggle with... and even though I am not doing those things anymore, I'm not staying away from it like I need to be.

Psalm 101 actually says "I will set my eyes before no vile thing" , and if it has anything to do with sin, it is vile.. and I shouldn't be welcoming it.

I believe that whatever you put in your mind will eventually come out.
So be careful. I'm going to be trying that this week.
It's so hard though because it's sin... and I naturally like it... but in order to truly follow my God I need to abandon those things. God is the only thing that will make me happy, and I love Him so why would I want to think on things that take me away from Him?

Just some mental reminders for myself.

March 18th- Almost 5 Months

I'm Almost To 5 Months!

On March 22nd I'm having a muskateer date with Hope and Sabbina to celebrate 5 months of being clear of this stupid sin struggle. Well not all sin but this specific struggle.  I haven't blogged in awhile so here are some general updates.

Ps: I am soon just going to post what "code" is... because it's not me anymore! It's in my past and I can still celebrate another month of not doing it, but It's not who I am.

We are going to do Chronicles of Narnia: LWW for our spring play :) I have the role of Fenris Ulf. I was in an episode of Mysterious TV last month. I'm doing a lot. I got a baddd black eye a couple weeks ago that is finally gone from Softball. I really want to return to Softball soon. I'm directing a music video.

I got into college! :)))))
Question is: Clearwater Christian College, or Southeastern University?

I am officially 18. Friendships are pretty good right now. I can't go a few hours without talking to God.I love Him so much :) I'm happy my close friends are on the same track as me with that. We get closer as we get closer to God. I'm heading to Zumba soon. Monday's and Tuesdays :)

Some photos:

The boys singing to me on my birthday

Jan. 20th-2013- Perfect Life

Perfect Life

So... Things are messy right now but I've been ok. I've stayed pretty steady.. my friends have been falling apart and I've been trying to help them the best I can. However today I'm having a hard time..

Here's whats on my mind... I feel like a mute... and even when I do say something no one listens..

It's like they already expected what my response would be and they already summed up what they were going to say to my "response" so they say it and then it makes no sense to what I was saying..

Am I crazy?

Is this unreasonable?

I'm starting to notice it other places then just home.. but it's especially at home.. and I can't stay this or I will get yelled at for thinking this.. I just feel like i'm continually shut down.. or ignored, and if I do get a chance to actually have a conversation it never goes well.

Trapped.

Considering going back to my mute status...
but I know if I do that..
 I'm gonna go back to other things too...
Things I shouldn't..

UGH!

I feel like i'm back at 12 years old. Where fairytales, stories, and dreams are all I have to cling on to. Where even though I feel trapped at home where no one wants to hear my voice, thoughts, opinions, I can still go back to stories and dreams. Even if the dream is impossible. Breakaway. 

THE RIGHT WAY TO THINK:
I was being selfish in this post- now I'm editing in (It's March now).
I can't assume they can read my mind. I need to be more considerate of them. God  does not want me to think this way ^^. And this is not the way scripture says to think.

Jan 7th- Honeymoon stage :)

Hi......

My name is Rebeca...

And I've been in the honeymoon stage for about 18 hours now...

Jan. 4th, 2013- Bored

Booorreeed...

but at the same time I have stuff I need to do.

I have my little list of 2012 goals I need to take down and put up my 2013 ones.

By the way, for Christmas I got a sketch book. Might post some of my random drawings on here one day. I really don't consider myself a painter or artist it's just something I do when i'm bored like now. Just like I don't consider myself a blogger yet I have this thing.

What should my 2013 goals be... What do I want to do..

Let's see....

2013:

1) Get new agent
2) Share REAL testimony
3)Get one non-extra acting job
4) Sing, sing, sing
5) Learn to Trust God more
6) Go on an adventure
7) Record a Song
8) Sell on Itunes
9) Get into college
10) Do something nice for someone.

There we go.

Happy New Year

Good News: I found my lipstick.

You Get Me Through 

Bad News.... 

I have something that's on my mind and I'm not exactly sure why it's hitting so hard right now..

So someone I knew died recently. I'm not going to claim to be best friends with him because I wasn't. I was at one time friends with him when I was in middle school. I still have seen him every once awhile.

New Years Eve was hard for me. I was in a few spats with friends. Not really "drama" but just it seemed that I had lost a friend of mine. It seems there is a lot of damage between us we are slowly trying to repair. Then it seemed that I had gotten another friend of mine mad at me. A lot of things were wrong at once and I was struggling with "code,zach,etc" a lot. I was really down. One part of me wanted to trust God so desperately and then the other felt just trapped and hopeless... I felt like I couldn't make it through the night.. .You see I was at a party with the friends who seemed to not care for me anymore and they would not talk to me. I felt alone. Luckily good friends Caitlyn and Hope kept talking to me and trying to get me to enjoy myself. Then had good talk with Sabbina. 

However, For some reason my brain just kept telling me that I couldn't make it through the night, and that I was alone. It was like a back and forth war that was extremely miserable. 

I've learned how amazing and ridiculous it is that these little thoughts turn into actions but the action never feels real. This time I didn't do anything stupid like I normally would have done. I think what I never realized as a stupid little 8th grader years ago was that these actions are real.. and leave consequences. They effect everyone around you.. and if you let it get bad enough to the point where the action becomes permanent (death) that there is no going back. There's no fixing. No talking. No happy ending. It's just over.

Jan. 1st- I found out this kid from middle school died... i found out New Years Eve he killed himself.

Everyone keeps telling me "we can never truly understand".... Can't we? 

Those stupid little thoughts... turning into actions... stupid little actions.. turning into horrible actions, and  permanent consequences.

I wonder...

If he realized just how far this took him.

If He knew that there would be no changing his choice.

If he knew the reality of his choice.

Either way I find myself confused and disturbed about it all. 

Lots of people miss you Josh. 

So many people care about you.

I wonder if you knew that.