August 30th- Not about me

8:22pm: 

One thing I need to clarify before I continue. My life... is not about me. Though sometimes I get the perspective that it is... It really isn't. It's about God. 

Another thing I need to say. For all those who know me. I am sorry. Deeply sorry. I am sorry for my attitude recently and for snapping at you. I'm sorry for getting offended over stupid little things and thinking so much about myself. I AM SORRY!

Now.. I probably should update what happened with my family. They took the news well. My dad asked a lot of questions and my mom asked some too. My sister just sat there and asked questions later when we were alone. It's kinda weird now.. but I'm getting use to it. I don't tell them when I'm struggling cause that's too uncomfortable for me.

Every single day.. is a huge struggle. Everyday I make specific choices and have to choose to do the right thing. It's not about me though. It's about God.

 

August 19th, 2012- It Changes Today

I'm Stronger Than You Think

2:31pm:

Everything changes today. Today... Stephanie and I are telling my parents the truth. My mom's been in tears the past two days because she has now realized that I don't talk to her. She says her heart it broken. She angry with me for doing this to her.. and she doesn't even know what it is yet. The meeting is today at 3:30. One hour left.... My heart rate is already raising. It's going to be the worst day of my life. I've broken my mom's heart... I've hurt her so bad... and my dad... and my sister....

So much hurt and pain today. The Lord has given me peace though. I trust you , God. My entire life is about to change drastically today. Stephanie says that because the truth is coming out I will be finally set free from all this. It's so hard to do... but I know this is what God wants me to do. Nothing will ever be the same. 

I just have to let the Holy Spirit take full control of me today. Imagine.. if we were to let the Holy Spirit take full control all the time.. imagine what we could do? Yes... doing this is extremely terrifying.. but I'm letting go of myself.. and submitting to God.

What I've Done

God is making me new. Crossing out what I've down. Mercy comes and washes away what I've done.. I face the consequences today. I accept the blame. I'm a sinner and it has officially hurt all the people I care about most. I've hurt so many people.... but I've been forgiven... and my eternal forgiveness does not depend on the reaction of others. 

Lord,

Help me through today. I need your strength. I praise your name for being with me. Thank you for bringing me through to today. I am so dependent on you. I am yours. Even though today is not fun, thank you for it. Thank you. All must work for good to me. 

In your name,

Amen

August 13th, 2012- First Day Senior Year

6:27pm: I'm a Sennniiioooorrrrrrr!!!!!! 
It feels really good to finally be a senior. I have so many responsibilities to take on this year. I'm super excited, scared, happy, sad, confused, and everything else that high school girls normally are. 

Ya know.. Sometimes I wish highschool was like this:

Considering I love to sing, act, and dance I would so love that world.
However... That is not real school.... Real school is... Well...  Its:

I find it funny how a school within itself can be so segregated and people can hate you and you may dislike others.... HOWEVER...... When football season starts... Suddenly everyone joins together to totally bring down the other team. We wear our school colors proudly and scream till our voices are gone. Any dislikes within the school is drowned out by the anger for the other school.

Apart from my thoughts on high school I recently have a new complication.
A good friend of mine who shall not be named for the reasons of respect has been kinda on my mind. 

This friend I've only known for a little bit.. but I instantly felt comfortable with him. I guess you could say I "let him in". Let him in to the real me and all that ness. Well.... I trusted him... 

I have an idea!!!! Let's tell it like a bedtime story. 

Once upon a time there was a little girl who met a boy(its not a love story). This girl became very close to this boy because they could relate easily and he was very sweet to her. However... he started to cross the line.. he started saying things that hurt the little girl but she let it go because she believed what he was saying was true.She would never tell anyone though. Then there were times he would say such smooth things that drew her in and made her stay and feel so special. He'd ignore her...make fun of her.. say negative things.. She let it go. Then one night she sends him one little text simply saying something along the lines of hello. The little boy.. having had a hard night or something explodes on her. Let's it all out with a tad of sarcasm to keep her reading. He brings up her weaknesses.. He totally blows her off. She's hurt. Angry. Trust has hit the ground... So she says goodbye. 

Cold As You

Now as she reads back through texts and actually sits down to think about it... she notices she's felt more cold with him than special. Don't get me wrong. He's been wonderful... but it's crossed the line. It's so confusing this feeling. I'm not sure what to think.

August 10th, 2012

Take Me Away (Pocket full of sunshine)

6:27pm: So I'm getting ready for my school's orientation night tonight. It will be the beginning of my senior year.. Craziness. 

So for a few days I've really been struggling with the thought of "never again" with the whole code and zack thing. I feel like I need to just give in now because I will never be able to quit for good. I've been trying to think of the reasons that I want to keep this crutch.

One of the things I came up with was that: I want to keep this crutch because of all the things I can't say. 

Then.. right as I'm thinking that I there are some things I'll never be able to say.......

I'm out to dinner with Sabbina and we start a conversation about some things in the past (not sure how we got here) and all the sudden I find myself saying things I never could say. We had a pause in the conversation and all the sudden it hit me everything I was saying.

 I was saying them out loud, and they weren't just stuck in my thoughts. She smiled at me and said "You're finally opening up about all this".

It felt good.

There are still things I'm not sure will ever come out of me.... but this is huge progress. I'm still shocked that I've become that comfortable with her. Thanks Sabbina for listening :)

Aug. 9. Photos

I just wanted to post some random pictures that I like...

^ I hate that this is how we spend most of our time together.

August 8th, 2012

 Not Alone

11:36am: Yesterday I had not taken any time in the word of God. In the past week there have only been two days that I did not take time in the word. The first day was the 4th and I ended up with the wrong mindset the entire day because I was not thinking about the Lord. Then yesterday.. and as you can tell from last night's post I wasn't focused on the Lord.

Last night I ended up texting Sabbina and she helped me out. I always feel bad when I wake up after having texted a friend all mess like. I feel bad cause I feel like I'm bothering them when I need their help. In the midst of temptation I'm not myself, and I feel bad that my friends have to put up with that.

I think I want to stop feeling bad. I think I'm going to. If I keep feeling bad then I feel like I shouldn't tell them when I'm struggling. If I don't tell them I'm more likely to give in. They so far have not complained about helping me. So, why should I think that I'm bothering them if they have not shown that? Today... I'll believe what I know is true until proven otherwise. Thanks Steph. She gave me that phrase.

I have something else I want to post about... but I'll do that later..

 

August 7th, 2012

10:01pm:

So in my last post I was all over the place. I still am but in a different way. I've gotten over my sad stage however in the meantime my thoughts are all over the place. "Zack" or "Code(what I call it with my friends)" is buggin me, again. Alright. So. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the past. Thinking back to one year ago. There are still so many things I'm dying to say but I just can't. Although... then I'm pretty sure most of the things I want to say are already obvious to those around me.

I don't know... I just remember a lot of pain and it's still there... I've been just pretending it's not there. So, tonight I'm listening to all these old songs that I use to listen to before I told anyone anything.

One is "It Ends Tonight"

All these songs remind me of sitting in my school computer lab, listening, and just feeling so alone. However, for some reason my mind has made this seem like a good thing. I actually miss it. I actually miss all that misery?! Whhhaat? I know.. I'm asking myself this... but I do. I miss being able to do what I wanted and not be held accountable. I miss just it all together... Oh Satan... You know how to get me so well.

Tonight is dangerous.

Most nights I can feel the fight inside. It makes me feel like crap all together and it's really difficult because I'm constantly going back and forth about the temptation to give in. Tonight is dangerous, because I'm not feeling that fight. It's night where I feel like this that I usually give in. I feel fine.

I'm thinking about it a lot though... like I'm just chilling and I feel like it's on my to-do list tonight.

I'll post more about tonight later.

August 3rd

3:54pm: It's Friday. Tonight is my cousins rehearsal dinner for her wedding tomorrow. Very excited. Figured i'd needed to write today.

Complication Number 8092183019283:  Party Pooper

Whenever I hear the saying "Party pooper" I think of Miss Lucy with one of the greatest episodes. Can't help but agree with this expression ^.

So. As I and my friends have noticed... This week has been hard. It's been hard because (as I mentioned in my previous post) Fighting sin is hard. This isn't easy. It's caused me to become sad and as someone put it seeming all "depressed". Go back to my previous post if you don't know what i'm talking about.

New development in the complication: No one likes to hang out with sad people.

People want to be where the party is. They like to be with exciting and fun people. It's hard to be with someone who is sad or hurting. It's not easy. People like easy.

Get my predicament? No? Let me catch you up.

I can't help being sad sometimes. I don't know why but no matter how hard I fight it or even how much scripture I quote to myself and make myself believe... sometimes I just can't get rid of the sad feeling. I can't make myself hyper and exciting... So.... then no one wants to hang out with me... Which hurts.. 

So. In conclusion. It sucks when no one wants to be with you when all you really want is just someone to stay with you and keep you company. If I don't do something everyone is going to grow so sick of me. I'm getting sick of me, but everyone else has the privilege of being able to get away... I do not have that privilege. I'm stuck with me. 

I know God does everything with reason so I haven't shut down. I'm still fighting. I'm keeping myself busy and I actually feel ok at the moment. I don't need people to make me happy, but it still hurts being alone. God is my company today :) 

As I said before "If I don't do something.." Well last night I decided to do something.

I was chit-chatting with Sabbina on text.... and it seems everyone was a little on edge with each other. Sabbina didn't seem on edge but I was tired of being that one extra thing she has to worry about... So i decided to totally ignore myself for the night. I tried asking everyone I knew about them and tried to make sure the conversation didn't turn towards me. I completely humbled myself. I was still sad but I tried to make sure to type with lots of smiley faces because I really didn't want anyone to be worried about me. I didn't want to betray their trust... that's what I'm scared of... that they wont see this in my perspective but be mad like I was lying to them.

However.... When everyone said goodnight and was all cheery I was sitting on my bed and just felt all the sadness come back and I just laid with the light on for awhile. Then I decided to ignore my thoughts and turned off the light and went to sleep. I'm not sure if this is wrong. I'm trying to make sure all my text messages today are happy and cheery. 

However, I can't help but feel fake.

  I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS....

 Then why do I do it?

I made the mistake of not answering Sabbina's phone call this morning (when I always answer) in which she caught on something is going on. So trying to persuade her back to where she doesn't think a thing of it. I don't know.. I'm still very back and forth on this. I just want them to be happy.... but at the same time I so wish for some company here at the house... but will being sad do? It does no good for anyone. I just gotta get through this with time.. even if I have to do it alone. I'm not taking anyone down with me... not sure anyone would come over anyways. Don't get me wrong. My friends are good friends. They'd either come over or theyd feel bad and want to fix it---- I just don't want them to feel bad. It's all complicated.

Anywhos. That's all for today.