Christmas Eve 2012!

Figured I'd post some christmas photos while I'm listening to some new music.

"You could beat the world. You could beat the war. You could move a mountain. Find yourself standing in the hall of fame. The world's gonna know your name. You can go the distance. Run straight through hell with a smile. Do it for your people. Never gonna know if you don't try. Do it for your country do it for your name cause there's gonna be a day where your standing in the hall of fame. The world's gonna know your name. You burn with the brightest flame."

"Don't you know i'm not your ghost anymore, you lost the love I loved the most. I learned to live half alive. Who do you think you are? Running round leaving scars. Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart."

"Make me lose my mind."

 

 

 

"All I get from you is double double talk talk. Every single day day. Every word you say say." -Double Talk, Emily Osment

"What's it like for you, on your own, what do you do? Do you like to chit chat to yourself?"-Chit chat

Dec. 22, 2012- Headaches

So this morning at the beautiful hour of 7am I woke up with a severe head ache.It felt like ears were gonna start bleeding and my hand starting hurting then my back, inside my ribs, and then to my foot. It was so weird.

Drift- Love this song

I also love this song "Chit chat". It's catchy. There are so many good songs out there that need to be on 93.3 but yet... every song on 93.3flz sounds like the same old computerized stuff. I'm going to be recorded in January :) I'm hoping to try to sell it on Itunes. Email me if anyone out there is interested and would buy something I record. I you don't know what I sound like just go to www.youtube.com/Rebecadonovan1

So today i'm just laying in bed on ibuprofen cause my head is killing me. Tonight I'm going to an elf party. Hopefully my head will stop by then. It's kinda nice to just lay around.

I think I'll post some more photos. 

Today I Am Alone

My head hurts...

My eyes feel dry. I think I cried in my sleep last night from the way I woke up. Must've had a bad dream...

I'm not sure why but I don't feel safe. It's like I feel fine but I don't. I'm exhausted but I have had plenty of sleep and everything feels different. I'm not sure what's going on with me. My head has been hurting. I've had weird vision problems. My behavior hasn't been me.

Today I decided to ignore the world.. even though I know i've been struggling. It felt good. I'm sorry to the friends I ignored though. I wasn't meaning to be mean to you. I guess I just needed to be alone. I got a lot of thinking done but didn't really come to any conclusions.

Ok. Let me get the facts out.
Facts: I'm struggling with food again. I've been eating but the past two days I haven't had too much real food. I did my devotions for the first time in a week today. Which was good but I still feel this numb feeling. i'm broken hearted again over the fact that I continuously make my friends upset and annoyed with me... but at the same time i'm tired of pleasing them. I don't really care. I just kinda wanna do whatever I want to and not care... i don't know. My head really hurts right now. These random headaches lately have been killing me but I'm restraining from telling my mom every time cause I show symptoms of not good stuff but we don't have the money to take care of that so I hate worrying her. 

I'm excited for Christmas :)

I've told friends how I feel like i'm a mess.. and I know there's not much they can do. I kinda wish someone was here to at least just be a company.. but at the same time im ok alone. But am I? I don't trust my instincts today. It just doesn't feel safe.

Being numb right now is a blessing.

I really love the song "Drift" by Emily Osment right now. It's so simple but good. How can I sleep so much yet still be so tired? I've done nothing today. Haha... HAHA... "faded into hazy... and sinking strong." -Drift

Look it up. Drrrifftt away.

Dec. 1st-2012

Heading to surprise party tonight. Figured i'd post some photos I like..

Thanksgiving- 2012

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Tonight heading to Sabbina's for dinner. About 15 people will be there. Other than Sabbina's family and my family I won't really be close to anyone there. Which is interesting considering I've never really gone anywhere for thanksgiving other than with family. I'm super excited though. I hope it will be amazing. 

The one thing I'm sad about it I missed the parade! Which makes me sad because I LOVE the parade!

Short update on life:

 I've been talking to Bill again. He's been texting me and of course pyschologically analyzing my every move.  He told me his theories. He was wrong ;)

Lately I feel like i've been getting back to me. I've been making a lot of videos on my channel www.youtube.com/RebecaDonovan1

I'm not so dependant on friends anymore. Now I still have hard days.. but i'm getting better. Instead of constantly needing someone with me i'm learning to be ok alone--- and not destructive :)

Ya know what hard? Trying to make yourself "thankful".  I mean lets be honest we all say "I'm thankful for my family" but when you are with them everyday its hard to feel that thankfulness. Last night I watched the movie "Click" and it definitely makes you think about time..

Here's what I'm gonna do. I'll make a list of things I'm TRULY thankful for and maybe it will put me in the right mindset...

I am thankful for...

1) My new dress I'm wearing 

2) My ability to write/type out my thoughts

3) Music

4) My cell phone

5) My piano

6) Guitar

7) My mom- who gave up her dreams to raise me and make me her entire world... who watches as I leave her world and create my own.

8) My father- who has stayed around. Who works everyday so my family can eat. Who is secretly super sentimental ;)

9) My beautiful older sister- I love our conversations and being able to just drive out in the middle of the night if we need to with her or to be total nerds together :)

10) My best friend since 5th grade Hannah-  A lot has happened between us.. I've done a lot of crap to her... and she deserves better than that.  She's stayed around. I miss being able to just be with her all the time...and things have changed. Things will never be the same.. I don't regret it though. I'm thankful for all the times we had and hope we have more good times. Just different :)

11) Hope Marinello- Decided to walk into my life out of NOWHERE during a (what she didn't know) difficult time for me. Didn't aactually tell her the truth until three years later. Yet she still loves me for me.

12) Sabbina Ron- Came into my life a little over a year ago. Did more in my life then she could ever understand. She made the movie "To Save A Life" true. In some ways and not in others. You had a huge part in changing my life. More I could say.. but I can't :)

13) Caitlyn, Vanessa, Bill, Julie, Ciara, Kalyx, Chris, Will D, Will B, Levene, Spencer King,  Renee, Isaiah, Alex P, Kristin Grenelle, everyone at lakeside- You all have had an impact in my life in making me who I am.. and though who I am isn't very great.. you've had a positive influence so thank you. For encouraging me. For giving me a push forward.

14) Stephanie Bruns- You've listened to all my nastiness and you know my heart. You help me so much. You have no idea. You more about me then anybody I know and I know I can trust you with everything I tell you. It's nice to have a teacher to run to in the middle of the day and someone who I can tell absolutely anything and who an correct me when i'm wrong and comfort me when I'm hurt.  You make me want to encourage people. You make me want to be different. You make me love God more. Thank you.

15) To all the people who ever rejected me at an acting/singing audition: Thank you. You made me stronger. 

16) Delicious food :)

17) My laptop

18)  Movies- Glorious movies :) 

19) Coverse, vests, skinny jeans, and all things fashion that is an art all in itself.

20) Our troops- happy thanksgiving and thank you.

21) America- I'm proud to be an American

22) For everything that's happened this year- God has shown me my heart.. humbled me.. and brought me to Him

23) My pastor Danny Hodges- I'll always love him

24)  Sabbina's family- who brought me and made me a daughter. Thank you for all the food, showers, clothes, vacations, rides, beds, events, adventures, hostage takeovers, and love you let me be apart of. 

25) God- Words cannot even describe what YOU have done for me.. I could write a book of all that you've done.. but you uh... kinda beat me to it. Thank you for your word. Thank you for everything. I don't deserve You. You shouldn't even look at me.. Yet you did. Saw my sin. Forgave it. Then you gave me a perfect record and said I was now apart of your kingdom. Holy moly... Indescribable. 

Nov. 12-Watching

Hold On

So I seem to keep getting reminded of this one lesson over and over again. Today, my best friend oh-so-kindly reminded me again. As much as her words stung... I appreciate it.

Today Sabbina came into the school bathroom and said to me that I need to be more careful. When something is bothering me, i'm upset, etc. I can't just lose my grip on everything. I'm super ashamed to even be typing this right now. Like it feels like any bit of pride I could possibly have is gone. Very humbling.

People are watching. I don't care who you are. Someone younger than you (possibly even older) is being lead by your example. I haven't been a good one. Living so selfishly in my own world so concerned with how certain people see me I can't even see those younger than me who think the world of me and I'm letting them down.

I'm ashamed. I begged God for forgiveness and I can only hope that those around me can forgive me... but I know that once a reputation is hurt.. It's hurt for good... and I regret it.

When I was 10 years old.. There was this one highschooler who did one nice thing for me.. and It meant EVERYTHING to me. Then she lost herself, and did some bad things. I remember being so disapointed.

I swore I'd never do that.

Thank you Sabbina, but I'm really disappointed in myself. This isn't me. Where did I lose myself?

November 5th- Darkness

I don't even know where to begin with the past couple months. So much happens in just one week that I can't possibly talk about it. That would be boring.

Well quick update: Our Coffee House at my school is coming up on November 15th, and 17th. I made homecoming queen :)

I got my SAT scores back and I'm able to get bright futures scholarship which means I will be able to go to college. I just recently watched paranormal activity 4 and it was amazing. I had a photoshoot yesterday and am having another one soon. I'll post those photos later. So pretty much I could explain all these good things that have been happening and go on with the same old that even people who don't know me know about me.

Here's whats been going on behind the scenes: I've really been struggling this week.

ESCAPE

I messed up on Friday.. and it seems everything today triggers me. I know God is probably just testing me so I can better endure... but it's not fun. Ha . It seems when I let my mind start to dwell I instantly go to dangerous extremes..

I think one of the biggest things for me right now is the fact that I feel really alone at school. Sabbina I can see is really trying to help. I so appreciate it. I should really stop listening to escape the fate... not necessarily spiritually uplifting.

It's amazing how music can persuade you to make bad decisions. 

There's this one song by escape the fate called "Lost in Darkness". Horrible song but I find myself listening to it sometimes. It's good musically but the meaning and lyrics are not good for the mind. Here's a picture someone drew of the lyrics:

 <BAD- I do not recommend listening to this song>

"She cries for help with a gun to her cheek, but no one comes nobody listens. Her blood runs red all through the street."

The rest of the song goes "Crying out in pain but no one knows how to find you. Your lost in darkness"....
If I weren't a believer of the Almighty God this would still be true for me... but it's not.. so why am I going back to the way I use to live? Scripture says that so many times. Our sinful nature inclines towards our own personal sin.

God has called me to be set apart.

We are no longer lost in darkness.... but a light in the darkness.

I'm telling this to myself.. because my natural tendency and where my mind wants to go today is back to darkness.

Sep.10- Photos

September 9th, 2012- Hello :)

3:56pm:

Hello 

^In case you didn't know. Click it to listen to the song^

Hello, My name is Rebeca. I've been writing for a little while on here.... A lot of complaining... ranting.... dreaming... etc. I figured I'd write a little bit about myself. Now this blog is where I kinda get to rant.. so you only get to read the negative things.. the things that have changed me. The things that people think I am, and things that aren't who I am. So. This is just a little bit about me and what's been happening recently.

I always say my mistakes and who I was is NOT who I am... however. I never explained who I am. 

So. I'm Rebeca, Beca, Cece, Sherlock, Bex, Abecabook, Hey You, Short one, shorty, etc. 

I am 17 years old. 

My birthday is March 2nd.

I am a student actress/singer.

I've been going to small christian private school for 8 years.

I've been saved by the grace of GOD from my sin. (My testimony is too long to type it all out now)

I've been in drama class since I was 11 years old.

I've been singing in the chapel at my school since I was 14.

My closest friends are Hope, Hannah, and Sabbina.

My family is awesome.

I get typical good grades.

I get crazy hyper sometimes and shout random things.

When I asked for gum I always ask people for "mug" cause I say a lot of things backwards for fun. (not dyslexic)

^^^^^^^^^^

These are all the obvious things that people at school no about me.

 If you were to subtract the sin, struggles, and trials this is me:

-I love things like eating cold pepperoni, peanut butter on a spoon, swedish fish, anything dipped in olive oil, while drinking sprite and using a twizzler as a straw. (My typical junk food night)

-I love it when places have signs where one or two letters aren't shining. Like when Mcdonalds becomes "Monas" :D

-No one thinks I can get a tan because i'm so white.... but I CAN ;)

-I've grown two inches in the past 3 years and feel extremely successful for making it to 5' 2".

-I've always loved Disney music :) No matter what anyone says.

-I love sort-of-screamo bands like RED.

-When I'm home alone I turn on music as loud as it goes and whip my hair back and forth and swing my arms around while spinning in a circle. 

-I'd do anything for my friends. If you call me... and want me.. even just a little... I will drive to wherever you are. I make cards, paint pictures when they are sad. I write notes. I will spend hours looking through music i've never heard to find a song that relates to a friend of mine just so I can send it to them (I've never told anyone that).

-Though I seem dependent on my friends.. I'm actually really independent. I do what I want and get what I need done.... however... if you start to notice that I seem dependent on you.. That should show you how much you mean to me... You make me vulnerable. 

-I hate dancing in front of my parents. 

- Most of the time at school I force myself to be hyper and crazy so that way the day is a little more interesting and I don't seem like a downer to my friends.

- Sometimes I'm actually really happy and hyper and it's completely genuine.

- I really don't care what you think of me. 

- I care about what I think about me.

- I want to sing and act forever.

- I love God.

- I love the Bible

- I'm super white, short, and awkward but I will rap to Bon Qui Qui if you challenge me. 

- I love to memorize raps and dance moves.

- I go to Zumba every week and its my place to punch the air and spin around and not feel stupid.

- I love people too much.

- I once made a dress completely out of staples and capri suns.

- I love to build things.

- I love to write songs about whatever is going on in my head.

- Everything I say has a purpose even if it's in giberish. It means i'm just too scared to actually tell you.

- I've been in counseling for awhile now.

- I love spiderman,, xmen, CLARK KENT, and all super heroes.

- When I was little I made my own super hero constume and decided I was going to be a real super hero gymnast. 

- I never became a gymnast.

- I was a cheerleader for 3 years.....

- Every pet i've ever had has died.

- I've seen a lot of people die infront of me.

- When people are mean to other people it makes me cry.

- You mess with one of my friends I will write a song about you and scar you for life by singing it infront of the school.

-  I relate everything to music.

- Demi Lovato= a lot of music inspiration

- Love Carrie Underwood

- AVENGERS :)

- I wear boots and winter clothes in the summer.

- I love vests with light tshirts.

- It's ALWAYS just  been me, myself, and I till this year. 

- Whenever I look out a car window I picture this little creature I created in my head flying at the same speed as the car... and it makes me laugh... and my friends are use to me laughing randomly in the car for no reason.. They just don't know why.

- My best friend (my dog) died almost three years ago. I've never told anyone exactly what she was there for and what sides of me she saw... but I want to... but I don't think I will... When I think about her I still feel pain. I watched her die slowly in an extremely painful way and I held her through it. 

- All of my former best friends have explained their reasoning for leaving me. ( I appreciate that)

- I have never left a best friend.

-  I wasn't allowed to be a singer or actress when I was little but my parents have changed their views.

- I LOVE Screaming!

- When someone says a crude joke I will say "What?" even if I DO understand it. I don't care if you think i'm a goody-goody.

- I'm a goody-goody (Innocent! JK)

- There's a lot more to me. 

- I believe there is ALWAYS more to a person if you think you know everything about them.

And in conclusion: 

- Over the past year.. I have lost who I truly am. I'm bringing it back today.

 

September 1- The Driveway

1:12pm: 

 The Driveway

For some reason I keep coming back to this same place of mind. I'm starting to wonder if it's really wrong or if it's just a sign that I really need to give it up.

My best friend and my other best friend. Two of the closest people to me. They are incredible. Amazing. I love them so much there's not a doubt in my mind that if they called me I'd do anything physically possible to help them. I know they love me too. We've all had amazing moments together. They both have changed my life.

Earlier this year I let the 1st down. I wasn't there for her... I was stuck in my old world and she got left behind. I will always regret that. After 7 years of her being amazing to me and ALWAYS being there for me. I failed her.

Then the other one I became really close to early this year. She showed me so much love in such a way that I had never known. She completely opened my eyes to a new world and helped me in ways she'll never understand.

Well..... I introduced them to each other. At first I thought it was nice having them both know each other.. but there was always this horrible fear inside of what would happen next. As time passed... my worst (selfish) fear came true.

They both realized how amazing each other are. Now they are making pictures for each other, dedicating songs, sending never ending smiley faces and love to each other. They both use to do that with me....

I know they care... and they are trying. They make attempts to see how i'm doing and show love, but it's so forced now. They have each other. They may say that they need me but they really don't. That's easy to see.

Ever since I was little I was in love with the idea of having a best friend. I love the idea of sleepover's all the time. Wanting to be with someone all the time. Sitting by them, standing by them any chance you get. Talking to them forever. Making everyone else know that we are best friends with inside jokes and best friend bracelets and all that. Sending cute messages and songs. Having deep conversations until the sun comes up. Having no distractions but just having me and my best friend talking with no cellphones, internet, or television. Eating junk food but not caring about weight or health for a night. Running around in the rain with them and laughing.
These are the things that mean the most to me.

How far we've come

I don't know what's right or wrong.. I've just always loved these things... and I'm not sure exactly what I did to each of them to push them away, but now it's all forced. There's no passion behind there words. I'm selfish I know. I want a best friend who loves me. Maybe my brain just doesn't work the same way theirs does. I have not lost one single bit of intensity towards my love towards them. I would do anything for them. Just call me. I'll be there.

Maybe this is God's way of saying it's better if I'm not close to them. Maybe I need to have it just be me and God... but I prayed.. I prayed to God that I could have just a best friend to do all those things with... and with each of them I have done those things... maybe God is saying that my time is up with them and I need to let them go. That just brings so much pain because it feels like letting them go would be like going to their funeral. Imagine going to your best friend's funeral. I can't bear the thought of letting them go... and maybe that's why I should...

I know I'll love them both forever.. because even if I have to let them go it can't stop this love I have for them. I don't know what to do. I can't make anyone love me. You just can't.

I love you guys with the same passion as the day I first met you.. Actually it only grows more everyday.

August 30th- Not about me

8:22pm: 

One thing I need to clarify before I continue. My life... is not about me. Though sometimes I get the perspective that it is... It really isn't. It's about God. 

Another thing I need to say. For all those who know me. I am sorry. Deeply sorry. I am sorry for my attitude recently and for snapping at you. I'm sorry for getting offended over stupid little things and thinking so much about myself. I AM SORRY!

Now.. I probably should update what happened with my family. They took the news well. My dad asked a lot of questions and my mom asked some too. My sister just sat there and asked questions later when we were alone. It's kinda weird now.. but I'm getting use to it. I don't tell them when I'm struggling cause that's too uncomfortable for me.

Every single day.. is a huge struggle. Everyday I make specific choices and have to choose to do the right thing. It's not about me though. It's about God.

 

August 19th, 2012- It Changes Today

I'm Stronger Than You Think

2:31pm:

Everything changes today. Today... Stephanie and I are telling my parents the truth. My mom's been in tears the past two days because she has now realized that I don't talk to her. She says her heart it broken. She angry with me for doing this to her.. and she doesn't even know what it is yet. The meeting is today at 3:30. One hour left.... My heart rate is already raising. It's going to be the worst day of my life. I've broken my mom's heart... I've hurt her so bad... and my dad... and my sister....

So much hurt and pain today. The Lord has given me peace though. I trust you , God. My entire life is about to change drastically today. Stephanie says that because the truth is coming out I will be finally set free from all this. It's so hard to do... but I know this is what God wants me to do. Nothing will ever be the same. 

I just have to let the Holy Spirit take full control of me today. Imagine.. if we were to let the Holy Spirit take full control all the time.. imagine what we could do? Yes... doing this is extremely terrifying.. but I'm letting go of myself.. and submitting to God.

What I've Done

God is making me new. Crossing out what I've down. Mercy comes and washes away what I've done.. I face the consequences today. I accept the blame. I'm a sinner and it has officially hurt all the people I care about most. I've hurt so many people.... but I've been forgiven... and my eternal forgiveness does not depend on the reaction of others. 

Lord,

Help me through today. I need your strength. I praise your name for being with me. Thank you for bringing me through to today. I am so dependent on you. I am yours. Even though today is not fun, thank you for it. Thank you. All must work for good to me. 

In your name,

Amen

August 13th, 2012- First Day Senior Year

6:27pm: I'm a Sennniiioooorrrrrrr!!!!!! 
It feels really good to finally be a senior. I have so many responsibilities to take on this year. I'm super excited, scared, happy, sad, confused, and everything else that high school girls normally are. 

Ya know.. Sometimes I wish highschool was like this:

Considering I love to sing, act, and dance I would so love that world.
However... That is not real school.... Real school is... Well...  Its:

I find it funny how a school within itself can be so segregated and people can hate you and you may dislike others.... HOWEVER...... When football season starts... Suddenly everyone joins together to totally bring down the other team. We wear our school colors proudly and scream till our voices are gone. Any dislikes within the school is drowned out by the anger for the other school.

Apart from my thoughts on high school I recently have a new complication.
A good friend of mine who shall not be named for the reasons of respect has been kinda on my mind. 

This friend I've only known for a little bit.. but I instantly felt comfortable with him. I guess you could say I "let him in". Let him in to the real me and all that ness. Well.... I trusted him... 

I have an idea!!!! Let's tell it like a bedtime story. 

Once upon a time there was a little girl who met a boy(its not a love story). This girl became very close to this boy because they could relate easily and he was very sweet to her. However... he started to cross the line.. he started saying things that hurt the little girl but she let it go because she believed what he was saying was true.She would never tell anyone though. Then there were times he would say such smooth things that drew her in and made her stay and feel so special. He'd ignore her...make fun of her.. say negative things.. She let it go. Then one night she sends him one little text simply saying something along the lines of hello. The little boy.. having had a hard night or something explodes on her. Let's it all out with a tad of sarcasm to keep her reading. He brings up her weaknesses.. He totally blows her off. She's hurt. Angry. Trust has hit the ground... So she says goodbye. 

Cold As You

Now as she reads back through texts and actually sits down to think about it... she notices she's felt more cold with him than special. Don't get me wrong. He's been wonderful... but it's crossed the line. It's so confusing this feeling. I'm not sure what to think.

August 10th, 2012

Take Me Away (Pocket full of sunshine)

6:27pm: So I'm getting ready for my school's orientation night tonight. It will be the beginning of my senior year.. Craziness. 

So for a few days I've really been struggling with the thought of "never again" with the whole code and zack thing. I feel like I need to just give in now because I will never be able to quit for good. I've been trying to think of the reasons that I want to keep this crutch.

One of the things I came up with was that: I want to keep this crutch because of all the things I can't say. 

Then.. right as I'm thinking that I there are some things I'll never be able to say.......

I'm out to dinner with Sabbina and we start a conversation about some things in the past (not sure how we got here) and all the sudden I find myself saying things I never could say. We had a pause in the conversation and all the sudden it hit me everything I was saying.

 I was saying them out loud, and they weren't just stuck in my thoughts. She smiled at me and said "You're finally opening up about all this".

It felt good.

There are still things I'm not sure will ever come out of me.... but this is huge progress. I'm still shocked that I've become that comfortable with her. Thanks Sabbina for listening :)

Aug. 9. Photos

I just wanted to post some random pictures that I like...

^ I hate that this is how we spend most of our time together.